Hospital food has a reputation for being quite bland and unappetizing. Whether it’s deserved or not, people often prefer getting food brought in from outside the hospital.
If the patient’s treatment allows it, why not give them the food they prefer?
A woman who agreed with that stance turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
CertainSun4836 asked:
“AITA for Calling Out My Dad’s Wife for Feeding Him 7-Hour-Old Oatmeal Instead of the Fresh Food I Made?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am a 55-year-old female. My Dad (83, male) had surgery last week to remove a cancerous tumor in his digestive tract.”
“My Mom passed away 17 years ago, and he married a younger woman who I have never been a fan of (the feeling is definitely mutual), but I tolerate it in order to have a relationship with my Dad.”
“Since his surgery a week ago, all he’s asked for is rice & beans—he’s 100% Irish, but having been married 38 years to my Mom, who was 100% Puerto Rican, he absolutely LOVES Puerto Rican food.”
“He’s been on basically a liquid diet until yesterday after a second procedure and was given the green light to eat solid food. He had a late lunch at about 2pm. I immediately went home and cooked for him, and my daughters brought it up to the hospital.”
“She had my dad call me AT 5 to say he had eaten his hospital dinner and was full—less than 3 hours after he had lunch. My daughters had the nurses put it in the fridge—I had already put his name and the date on it.”
“Visited this morning, and he didn’t have an appetite—his hospital breakfast tray was sitting there, and I had brought him breakfast from the diner as well….all he had was coffee.”
“I left a note in his room and even asked the nurse assistant who came into his room if she could offer him the rice for lunch. I TEXTED his wife the same.”
“Got this text to me/my siblings from the wife after she finally showed up to the hospital after 2 pm.”
“‘Your Dad wasn’t hungry today. Around 2:00, he had oatmeal with chocolate chips & an Ensure Chocolate Protein Shake & a cup of tea. He is quite full now. He still has some pain/soreness. He is managing his pain without pain meds’.”
“So I replied: ‘I hope not that oatmeal that was sitting out from this morning?’.”
“Her response: ‘The oatmeal was covered & still good. It was superheated & melted his chocolate chips.”
“I called the nurses station to ask why my Dad would be allowed to eat food from a tray at least 6 hours old.”
“Turns out WIFE asked nurse to heat up the 7-hour-old oatmeal—and HE ASKED FOR his RICE & BEANS and she (wife) just LAUGHED‽‽ Nurse told me she’s making sure tray is gone and she seemed a bit annoyed at the situation. She says she’s going to heat it up and bring it to him.”
“I called and spoke to him—I asked if his appetite was back and he told me he ate the oatmeal. Asked him why he didn’t eat the rice instead and he said he forgot. Which is NOT true because the nurse told me he asked for it when wife asked to have the oatmeal heated up!”
“I made sure to tell the nurse she fed him the old oatmeal absolutely on purpose so he wouldn’t eat the food I made ….Nurse is aware he’s been asking for rice & beans.”
“I didn’t tell her initially what it was. I just said I dropped off dinner to him last night, and it’s in the fridge. She asked ME if it was rice !!!!”
“Pretty sure feeding an elderly man hours old food that was sitting in a window just to be spiteful is proof who the a**hole is.”
“AM I THE A**HOLE?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My action: I called the nurse to complain about my dad’s wife feeding him old oatmeal instead of the fresh food I made for him.”
“Why I might be the a**hole: I bypassed my dad’s wife by involving the nurse.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors voted the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She clearly is. Hope he gets better soon. Also hope you are the named beneficiary to whatever accounts/assets he wants you to have.”
“And there’s a trust he set up where she’s not the named trustee. And you have copies. And medical power of attorney in the event he can’t make decisions.”
“After this, I wouldn’t trust her with anything, ever. You know she’ll change any will in her favor at the last second, but beneficiaries come before heirs in wills.” ~ Antelope_31
“NTA. And new wife sounds petty. But—you need some perspective. The hospital nurses are overworked. They don’t want family drama, and it’s not their role to manage meals.”
“The surgeon orders the diet, and a dietary service brings the food and takes the tray away later. If a nurse or aid heated anything up, they were likely going out of their way to help.”
“You don’t want to be the demanding family member that treats nurses like waitstaff. If it’s very important to you that dad has rice and beans, bring the hot rice and beans at mealtime.”
“Or make it for him as soon as he gets out. This is one of those ‘if you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself’ situations.” ~ Firm-Raspberry9181
“NTA. In the future, tell the nurses on duty that you have brought fresh food for your father and where it is. nurses care and would obviously give him fresh food over 7-hour-old oatmeal that had been sitting out.”
“Also, seriously figure out what you need to have control of for end of life. Someone other than his current wife needs a healthcare proxy and decisions on end-of-life care.
“She clearly does not care about him. Right now it’s just oatmeal, later it may be life or death, literally.” ~ Spiker023
“You’re NTA. I see two possibilities:”
“Your Dad is exhausted from surgery and pain, knows the relationship between you and his wife is difficult, doesn’t want to deal with it right now, and is doing his best to keep things smooth for his own convenience. If this is true, let go of your ego around this situation and just let it go.”
“Or 2. She’s emotionally abusive to him, and he just does whatever she wants him to, regardless of his own desires.”
“In any case, focus on your Dad’s healing. Surgery recovery is brutal.” ~ Less-Assistance-7575
“As a nurse aide, I would have refused to heat up food that old and would’ve removed the old tray as soon as I saw it. It’s not safe to eat food that’s been sitting out so long. NTA.” ~ MrMcManstick
But a substantial minority thought everyone sucked here (ESH).
“It sounds like you guys are using food to fight for the dominant place in your dad’s life. That is really childish.”
“I hope you can both chill out a little, but after 17 years that’s probably a lost cause. ESH.” ~
“An 83-year-old man has just had gastro surgery, and you’re surprised that the first things he is eating are oatmeal and protein shakes?”
“Just because he’s been asking for rice and beans, doesn’t mean that’s what he should be eating at this point.”
“There’s an awful lot of OP ‘telling’ the nurses what should be done, and a fair bit of the wife ‘telling’ what should be done, but if he’s in hospital post-op, the nurses and hospital are going to be focused on what OP’s dad needs.”
“And certainly not getting in the middle. of a spat about rice and beans that appears to be taking way too much of everybody’s emotional energy. ESH (except Dad).” ~ peonyhen
“They should just let the nurse do her already challenging job without pulling her into their stupid family drama. ESH.” ~ carlamaco
“ESH. The nurse shouldn’t have heated up the old oatmeal for your stepmom, but you’re dragging a lot of people into a power struggle over eating your rice and beans.”
“And you have 2-3 different accounts in here arguing with people, which makes me wonder who is really the difficult one.” ~ East-Bake-7484
“ESH—your dad is recovering from major surgery. He doesn’t need this petty bullsh*t. Stop antagonizing his wife this week. Save your (well-earned) venom for next week.” ~ DogDisguisedAsPeople
“ESH. It isn’t the nurse’s job to deal with this. Patients get their food as provided by the hospital.”
“The nurses probably don’t have time to be dealing with food politics. If you want him to eat your food specifically, it would help if you’re there to help him eat it.”
“Also… leftovers that have been heated up and cooled in room temp could be ‘potentially hazardous’ and sit in the perfect temp zone for microbiological growth. It’s unlikely it would cool down fast enough to avoid this. Not safe to be eating.” ~ Sydneygirl543
The animosity between the OP and her stepmother is obvious.
But the nurses don’t need to be involved in their power struggle.