It’s nice when former romantic partners can become friends. It saves all of their mutual friends from having to choose between them.
But it’s not always possible nor always a good idea. Some people should stay far away from each other.
A woman who thought her husband’s ex from 10 years ago had smoothly transitioned to strictly friendship turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
No-Razzmatazz-9947 asked:
“AITA for telling my husband’s ex that I must have been the favorite girlfriend since he married me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“OK, so my (40s, female) husband (40s, male) have been off and on since we were 12, broke up at 22, took a 17 year break—because that’s how long I was with my ex—and got back together 3 years ago and have been married for a little over 2.”
“He spent almost 3 years with an ex, but they broke up about 10 years ago. The ex, who I will call Patty, and my husband Doug broke up on good terms.”
“He told me what ended the relationship was that it had ran it’s course and just ended. He said there was no big fight, no wanting the other back, nothing—it was just over.”
“She will reach out here and there to say happy birthday, merry Christmas and she reached out when she heard we were getting married and gave us her congratulations.”
“Saturday night we went to the local bar and she happened to be there and we all sat together drinking, talking and just hanging out.”
“Her sending him a happy birthday message and a merry Christmas message and nothing else over the years is the extent of the friendship. I’ve never had a friendship with her though, I’d never met her before Saturday.”
“We never thought anything of it with her because seriously it was only 1 to 2 messages a year. And he always showed them to me and it was her sending a sentence.”
“He’d thank her and she’d read it and that would be it. I mean this was the one and only time I’d ever even met her.”
“I was 3 Jack and Cokes in and I can not remember how it got brought up, but Patty at one point said ‘Well at least I will always be your favorite girlfriend’.”
“I laughed and said ‘Wouldn’t I be his favorite girlfriend since I’m the one he married?’ She stopped smiling and just looked at me. She finished her drink and left not long after that.”
“Last night Doug got a long message from Patty saying she was really shocked at how jealous, immature, petty and mean I am given my age and that I should be more secure in our marriage and in myself and that it’s okay for Doug to care about others besides just me.”
“She also told him how much him telling her she was his favorite girlfriend all those years ago had always meant to her and can’t understand why I had to sh*t on it.”
“Doug told her he was sorry what I said upset her, but that I was just saying a fact. I was the favorite girlfriend and that’s a huge reason he married me.”
“She sent back another long text saying I just think I’m better than her because Doug had a very firm stand that he would never marry, he didn’t care if he had a gun to his head, it wouldn’t happen.”
“When we reconnected this time, he asked me to marry him after a month and we married after 8 and a half months.”
“Doug told her that it wasn’t true, I don’t think I’m better than anyone and said again he was sorry she was hurt, but that I said nothing wrong, told her the things she was saying about me aren’t true and to never speak about me like that again.”
“I truly never in a million years would want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I said I was his favorite because I feel like you marry your favorite person don’t you?”
“Why would you marry someone who isn’t your favorite? So am I the a**hole here?”
“Doug told me it’s not in any way on me that she got hurt. My best friend said that I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true and thinks maybe Patty is going through some stuff or just went through a break up and is just taking it out on me.”
“I just wasn’t sure of myself because I do not like knowing someone is hurt by me. I have a problem with people pleasing that I know is a problem and thankfully I have really come a long way with not doing it.”
“But this was a hiccup in my recovery. When you people please for as long as I did, it’s hard to say that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings—if that makes any sense—because we feel like we are responsible for all the feelings.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I hurt someone’s feelings and apparently it meant a lot to her thinking she was my husband’s favorite girlfriend.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She’s going through something alright—accepting the fact that you broke her delusion that although he was marrying you, she was still his favorite.” ~ tell-it-str8t
“OP, NTA. Your husband is right, you said nothing hurtful or incorrect.”
“Patty wants your husband. She can’t have him. More power to you! He chose you, period!”
“Now she’s attacking your character after you sat her in the dirt for publicly making a fool of herself over YOUR husband. She’s the AH.” ~ jlaw1791
“NTA. Patty wants your husband. She just didn’t like getting called out on her ridiculous comment.”
“Of course all this was said after several adult beverages and if nothing else was said, that would he the end of it. Clearly she still has it bad for your husband as she’s trying to point her finger at you and making you seem like the bad guy to your husband.”
“And thankfully it seems you have a good man who didn’t fall for that nonsense. My husband had an ex like this and it was so bad.”
“She literally changed her appearance to look like me to get his attention. Did all kinds of things. I kept telling him and he wouldn’t believe it. That is, until she went crazy.”
“One day about 6 months into our relationship, she called him. She wanted to hang out with him, but we were together. She gave him an ultimatum of either her or me.”
“He chose me, but only because he hates ultimatums and refuses to play into that. He hasn’t spoken to her since—it’s been 15 years.”
“Unfortunately, my husband’s crazy sister has since become best with her, and she fills my husband in on her life. Last year, my sister-in-law came into town, and all she could talk about was my husband’s ex… like ugh. My mother-in-law still has a family portrait with this ex in it… again ugh.” ~ KarenEater
“I mean you weren’t wrong or mean. She’s just hurt that he ‘changed’ his stance on marriage for you. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but she’s not the one with the ring.”
“I would find it insulting and a highly red flag if I got married and my husband was like ‘yeah, someone else was my favorite girlfriend’.” ~ BriefHorror
“One of my exes told me years after we’d broken up that I was and always would be his fave girlfriend. At the time, that meant a lot to me.”
“These days, I wouldn’t care less if he married someone else who became his favorite; in fact, it’d make total sense if he did, and I’d find it weird if he ever said otherwise.”
“Why? Because I’ve moved on. Which this person here clearly hasn’t. NTA.” ~ PlasticLab3306
“NTA. It’s weird that she said it at all, and even weirder that she made such a huge deal about it when corrected.”
“Like what did she expect, for him to say that yes, she is, in fact, his favorite of all the people he ever dated? To what end?” ~ Maleficent-Leek2943
“Like, I’m lost on how she was so surprised that OP corrected her… obviously you weren’t the favorite girlfriend if he chose to marry a different one. What about that would be shocking?”
“It’s just common sense, and even if she lacks the common sense to understand that he doesn’t like her more than his own wife, how about the common sense that you don’t say something like that to a couple? Just weird. NTA.” ~ Ok-Permission-6553
“It’s actually kind of pathetic of her to have said it at all. And for her to be so upset at being corrected by his WIFE that she sends some long text to the husband?”
“Weird, dude. F*cking weird. OP and her husband should distance themselves from her. NTA.” ~ DARYLdixonFOOL
It sounds like Patty isn’t quite over the OP’s husband, nor is she interested in being friends with the OP.
Probably a good time to cut ties with her.