Giving birth is one of the most strenuous things that can happen to a body.
The body is in physical and emotional turmoil.
And healing can often take more time than originally planned.
So most people would jump at the chance to have more recovery.
But not everybody agrees that time is necesary.
Case in point…
Redditor Desperate_Feature_41 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA to expect my husband to accommodate a post-pregnancy confinement?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I (30 F[emale]) am giving birth soon and we have a thing in my region called Zuo Yue Zu which is basically post-pregnancy recovery.”
“What we do is we stay in bed and try to recover the physical and mental toll pregnancy did on our body.”
“So I’ve moved to my husband’s country and it’s not a widely done thing here apparently and I’ve already taken 2 months off from work.”
“I’ve talked to my husband about this but he thinks it’s very unnecessary.”
“Especially since I need someone to take care of me and the child during the period.”
“So here’s why I think it is feasible…”
“We make really good money so it’s not going to make a big dent in our financial account.”
“I can just have my parents take care of me.”
“My company has really good employee benefits so even if I take that extra month off it will still be under parental leave.”
“My states have parental leave for guys too so my husband can also stay home to spend more time with our daughter and me.”
“But my husband was really against it and I do want to acknowledge it might be very troublesome to extend my parent’s visa.”
“His white American with Irish descent if that matters.”
“So would I be the a**hole if I bring up this topic again?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP would NOT be the A**hole.
“NTA. When your husband will actually deliver he’ll have a say.” ~ Chocolatecandybar_
“It’s a cultural thing in China, and has been practiced for over 1000 years.”
“If he’s going to marry and have a child with someone from a different culture, he needs to understand and respect that culture.”
“This is a big part of that.”
“If they can afford it, her parents can help out, and they have enough parental leave to cover the whole period, then he should support her.” ~ wasntmebutok
“This. It’s not a matter of cost, and it will make the mother of his child more comfortable.”
“She’s the one giving birth!”
“There are special hotels and retreats for this purpose in China.”
“And it honestly is just a great idea to do if you can afford it/have the leave anyway – childbirth can wreak havoc on a woman’s body.”
“This is time for her to recover and to learn the child’s schedule/personality.” ~ Strawberry338338
“Not to mention OP is getting a cesarean.”
“You’re not supposed to be doing any lifting (i.e. of babies, of a laundry basket, of a diaper bag) while healing having your abdomen muscles cut up.”
“Like, OP and her husband should already have been arranging extra care (or him taking extra paternity leave) to handle that.”
“What the heck.” ~ ftjlster
“Not only in China, it’s also present in many African countries.”
“In Ethiopia, it’s the norm for women to rest for the first 40 days after giving birth.”
“The culture acknowledges that the woman has undergone a massive ordeal in giving birth and the community rallies behind the family by taking turns cooking, cleaning, and general support during the 40 days.”
“OP is not asking for him to support her while she sits around and eats grapes.”
“Her body needs to heal.”
“She is asking for help.” ~ Personal-Blood7676
“I’ve heard about this before, and the mother stays in bed as much as possible and only cares for herself and the baby.”
“Chores and other responsibilities are managed by extended family and not just the spouse.”
“It seems like a good tradition, given how extensively pregnancy can impact the body, and having help with a new baby sounds great.”
“I honestly don’t think we grant enough parental leave in the U[nited] S[tates], but that’s another story.”
“Obviously, if all the extra work would fall on the husband or if it were a huge financial strain, he would have a major reason to push back.”
“But since that’s not the case, I don’t know why he’s so adamantly against what sounds like an important tradition.” ~ Covert_Pudding
“I came across some videos about it last week and it’s amazing.”
“Everyone gets sleep, the caregiver ensures that.”
“Helps get baby on a schedule, works as a lactation consultant, assists with postpartum pt and nutrition.”
“Does nutrition support for breastfeeding?”
“The support is linked to higher best-feeding success, less P[ost] P[artum] D[epression], and reduction in other postpartum complications.
pretty amazing stuff.”
“OP is NTA.”
“If her husband didn’t want to foot the bill for this or respect another culture, he should’ve married someone from his own country.”
“Not getting it sounds like a one-way trip to PPD.”
“I absolutely would not give it up if I were OP.” ~ Appropriate-Truth-88
“It seems insane to me that women in America regularly have children and are expected to hop back on their feet and go into work.”
“I was unlucky enough to see the birth of my nephew – a whole human being came out of my sister – and, let me tell you, if I did that, my a** would be taking off a year.”
“That sh*t is insane.”
“If men had to do this, we’d have parental leave that would be measured in years.” ~ Lulu_42
“NTA. America is the most backward when it comes to maternal care, and your husband is a product of that culture.”
“What they (and everywhere) should do is more like what you’re used to from home.”
“When you’ve grown an entire human, then pushed it out at great pain/possible death/potentially lifetime difficulties, you deserve to rest as much as you feel the need.”
“That time should be just you and babe getting to know each other and your new routines.”
“Not to mention the disgustingness that’s going to be coming out of your body for weeks it’s not anything like a regular period.”
“It can last for 6-8 weeks, and you’ll have clots as big as your fists, and they HURT).”
“Do what you need to do mama, you’ll have earned it.” ~ Odd-Comfortable-6134
OP came back with some info…
“I tried talking about it before but it was shut down and I thought it was fine and I could go without one.”
“But my pregnancy wasn’t smooth after the six-month mark and instead of natural birth we are now going c-section.”
“And a lot of stuff happened especially within the last few weeks, so now I’m pretty adamant about getting this one extra month of rest.”
“To clarify when I say confinement I don’t mean actually just staying in the bed of course.”
“I can move around and do yoga is probably going to be in my routine.”
“But confinement as in I avoid going out, I avoid doing strenuous activity and to rest more.”
“And yes per my doctor’s recommendations, she wants me to rest for at least a month.”
Then OP’s husband wanted to update…
“Hi, husband here.”
“Would like to say this has opened up my viewpoint.”
“Was fed with a very skewed version of childbirth.”
“We will be keeping discussions private from here.”
“Thank you for the input.”
Reddit continued…
“The ‘Hi, husband here’ comment reminds me of working at the battered women’s center.”
“Why is he on her thread and shutting down future discussion?”
“I’m down with him saying it has opened his eyes… but it is up to her if the future discussions are on here or not.”
“Sounds a bit controlling.” ~ lovebombme2u
“‘We will be keeping discussions private from here’ gave me the creeps so hard.”
“She should be able to ask anyone online for any opinion she wants.”
“He doesn’t want her ‘getting any ideas.'”
“Terrifying how controlling this response was.”
“Buddy, shine a light on the darkness.”
“The truth will set you free.”
“This sort of isolationist behavior is only going to make her resent you.” ~ Starlainjury
“Yeah, that whole message just screams to me ‘first damage control, then re-establish wife control.'”
“I bet he’ll find a reason to reduce their internet consumption to just his phone or something like that soon, now that he’s aware that it might be able to erode his grip.” ~ Buddahrific
“I don’t know, this seems very impactful, is quite unusual, and visa issues are no joke.”
“I think he deserves some say in this, but I also think he needs to be more supportive of his wife.”
“Also, I feel like I need more info on this recovery plan.”
“Is OP going to spend those three months in bed, or are the parents there to provide a little relief as she and her husband figure out a new normal with their newborn?”
“I’m just interested in the scope of all this.” ~ InToddYouTrust
OP came back once more…
“Update: I’m doing the confinement!”
“My parents will come over, but will be living in a hotel until the 3rd week after my delivery since my husband will be overseas.”
“I appreciate all your comments and concerns.”
“My parents will be meeting their grandkiddos.”
“Also for clarification, my parents aren’t here yet.”
“I meant extend visa as in the usual visa allow 30 days we are trying to extend it to those short-term stay visa.”
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit was with you.
You need time to heal and recover.
Sounds like it all worked out.
Glad your parents are coming and super glad your husband seems to have come around.
Good luck.