“What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours”.
That’s the general idea most people have when they enter into a marriage.
After committing to spending the rest of their lives with one another, people tend to share all their earthly possessions with one another, including money.
Although, there are those who still like to keep a small amount of independence after getting married, thus keeping their money to themselves.
Such was the case with Redditor throwrabill5977 and her husband, who have an agreement not to share or lend money with one another.
But after being called out by her husband for not lending money on a rare occasion he asked for it, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not paying for my husband’s hospital bill?”
The OP first explained the agreement she and her husband shared when it came to money and finances.
“I [F[emale], 31] been with my husband [M[ale], 36] for 3 years.”
“We don’t share finances and we each contribute to household expenses equally and individually.”
“He’s pretty adamant on being respected when it comes to money, meaning I should not be asking him for money to pay for personal stuff, and the same goes for him.”
“Save for when it’s an emergency.”
Recently, however, the OP found herself in a situation which led her to break this agreement.
“Last month, I was at the mall shopping for a dress to wear at my sister’s wedding and the money wasn’t enough.”
“I called my husband to ask him for money, about $200, but he refused, even though he had the money.”
“I wasn’t upset… Well, yes I’m not gonna lie, I WAS upset about it cause I ended up buying a cheaper dress, but I didn’t make a fuss or fight with him for not giving me money.”
With this in mind, the OP stuck to her morals when the tables were turned, though her husband did not agree that this was a fair quid-pro-quo.
“Just a couple of weeks ago, he was involved in an accident, it wasn’t serious but his knee was bad but got worse.”
“He asked if I could help him pay for the hospital bill because he didn’t expect to stay longer due to his injury but I refused.”
“He begged but I said no was still no.”
“He tried to guilt me into paying by saying that I have money, and that he’s dealing with an emergency.”
“I said his irresponsibility, whether with money or driving, wasn’t my problem.”
“He ended up getting help from his mom.”
“In fact, she paid for the entire bill then grilled me hard about my refusal to pay.”
“She called a Vile b—hbag and said that I was devoid of empathy, or any wife material, to do this to my husband.”
“I was bothered by her harassment and told my husband to get her to back off.”
“He sided with her.”
“I had an argument with him about his double standards where I’m expected to pay for him and him not doing the same for me like the dress incident a month ago.”
“He looked at me in disbelief, called me insane and said that I was at fault for not helping him cause, unlike the dress incident, this was actually an emergency.”
“Even said I stepped out of line to act this petty and vindictive.”
” I walked out of the room to cool off but it lasted for days and he’s still salty about it.”
“Don’t even get me started on his mom.”
“I think I was just holding my part of ‘no mixed finances’ policy.”
“So to provide more details: when I asked him to help pay for the dress, he asked if he’d get the money back but I said no, because if I had the money and wasn’t struggling I wouldn’t have asked for his help in the first place, that is why he said no.”
“Though, he said he’d pay me back when he asked that I help with the hospital bill.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The OP did not find much support from the Reddit community for declining to help pay for her husband’s medical bills.
But her husband did not find many admirers either, with many finding both of them at fault for all the unpleasantness that transpired.
The majority of Redditors wondered why they even got married in the first place, since both of them seemed so intent on living almost wholly independent lives.
“INFO, Why are you guys married?”
“There’s no partnership. There’s no camaraderie.”
“You are each in it for yourselves, not to be a better version of yourself for/because of your partner.”
“You are married to a glorified roommate, and you’re both equally awful to each other.” – nopeduck
“ESH , WTF did you guys get married in the first place ?” – Afraid_Enthusiasm625
“What’s the point of being married if you can’t ask your spouse for money when you need it.” – Le-zaafaran
“This marriage is going nowhere.”
“Get out now as neither of you are invested in the other.” – Inner-Device-4530
“ESH. Your ‘system’ makes me sad.”
“I’m all for split finances but if my partner needed money i would not think twice.”
“You remind me more of teen siblings arguing over allowance than life partners.”
“Ouch.” – Misshell44
“ESH – do you both even like each other?”
“You don’t behave like a team whatsoever.” – OkPhilosopher1313
“You shouldn’t be married.”
“Also, if you couldn’t afford a two hundred dollar dress a few weeks previously, how do you now have the money to pay for a hospital visit?” – Euphoric-Round-5182
“This relationship is terrible, do you just live together out of convenience or something?”
“You talk like he’s only an acquaintance of yours and it seems neither of you are into sharing anything with anyone, much less money that seems to be almost sacred to you.”
“He BEGGED. And you enjoyed telling him no.”
“Speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.” – ThatBFjax
“You two treat marriage like a business instead of a relationship.”
“You two would benefit from some much needed therapy.” – Low-Bandicoot-8667
“ESH but honestly, you more than him. I don’t agree with how you guys are handling finances but at least he’s consistent.”
“He denied you cash, rightfully so by the rules you get set for yourselves. You denied him cash purely out of spite and also wrongfully so since this was an actual emergency unlike your situation.”
“Why did you guys get married if you act like this towards each other?” – TheFriedBri
“I think you both need to decide if you’re basically roommates who have sex and tally every cost and nickel and dime each other…”
“If you’re in a mutually beneficial relationship where you can count on one another to help out sometimes.”
“One partner cannot just unilaterally change the existing agreement. I think you’re just now realizing your agreement doesn’t work, so come to a better solution.”
“Honestly, I wouldn’t waste my time on a relationship like this. But to each their own, I suppose.” – id3amav3n
Many were shocked the OP refused to pay for her husband’s medical bills simply because he didn’t help pay for a dress.
They pointed out the OP mentioned she and her husband did agree to lend each other money in case of an emergency.
“This isn’t a marriage, this is roommates with benefits.”
“Also, paying for a dress and paying for a hospital bill are two completely different things.”
“You are so focused on getting your petty revenge you’ve lost all empathy.”
“Get your priorities straight.”
“This was an emergency.”
“And he needed your help, yet you shut him down because of not wanting to mix finances.”
“Spouses help each other out, especially when it comes to injuries or something serious like this.”
“The fact is you were absolutely being petty and cruel with him and that was uncalled for.”
“I understand your stance, but that wasn’t the way to handle it.”
“He was an a**hole for how he reacted and his mother certainly shouldn’t have made those comments towards you.”
“In conclusion, both of you behaved childishly and immaturely and refused to act like adults.”
“In marriage, you work together and you both need to learn how to do that.” – Reddit
“The fact that you think ‘I want this dress that’s out of my price range’ is an emergency and hospitalization after an accident isn’t says some truly terrible things about your character.” –Otherwise_Window
“Good gracious, there’s a bit of a difference between buying a new dress and a hospital bill.”
“Do either of you have any idea how marriage is supposed to work?”
“Yeah YTA.” – KimmyStand
“Don’t buy a dress you can’t afford.”
“A medical bill is a completely different story.”
“You could have ask him to pay you back later.”
“Why are you even married?!” – Impressive_Brain6436
“Why the hell are you married?”
“You both refuse to help each other.”
“Obviously his emergency was more important but either way, I can’t imagine treating my partner like that and viceversa.” – Frajnir-9
“You specifically say that you don’t share finances ‘save for when it’s an emergency’.”
“You wanting a new dress isn’t an emergency.”
“Your husband having an unexpected hospital visit and stay is the very definition of an emergency.” – mothertothemax
“YTA- a dress and a hospital bill isn’t comparable.”
“You can live without a dress.” – Charliescenesweenie4
“The rule is ‘save for an emergency’.”
“A new dress is NOT and emergency.”
“Even if the rule is dumb, I don’t see how husband not paying for the $200 dress.”
“They made their rules so only the OP is the AH here for being petty.”- JoeyShinx.
“You actually compared DRESS SHOPPING to an emergency hospital bill?”
“Yes, you’re the AH.” – Wasps_are_bastards
“ESH, but you more so. Was this a marriage of convenience?”
“You don’t even seem to like each other! I get the feeling you’re only hitched so you can save on car insurance and income tax. (Unless you even file separately!)”
“If an unexpected stay in the hospital isn’t an emergency, I’d be fascinated to know what is!” – FoolishStone
Some Redditors went with NTA, which others didn’t understand.
“NTA. If he isn’t going to help you buy a dress for your sister’s wedding, he has a lot of nerve asking you to help him pay for his hospital bill.”
“To be honest, he sounds like a jerk and I would not be accepting of the double standard.” – Strong-Custard7173
“She laid out the rules pretty clearly in her post. They separate their finances but help each other in case of emergencies.”
“Not paying for her shopping fits the rule.”
“Not lending money to pay for a hospital bill after a car accident does not fit the rule, a car accident is very clearly an emergency.”
“It’s not like he’s asking for money to buy video games (which would be the equivalent of what she was doing), he’s asking for money because of an unplanned expense.”
“The only way he’d be the a**hole in this situation was if you considered the two expenses to be on the same level, in which case they’d both be the a**hole, but I don’t understand the reasoning behind calling him an a**hole but not her.” – Space_Patrol_Digger
It is, indeed, pretty surprising the OP felt her refusing to help pay for her husband’s medical bills was no different than his refusing to help pay for a dress.
Maybe had they not had this strict “no helping each other out” agreement, the OP would have been more inclined to be generous?
But then, shouldn’t she have seen this was clearly an emergency regardless and lent the money?
Either way, the OP and her husband have a lot to talk about if they want their marriage to succeed.