Content Warning: Infertility and Sterility
Though every couple is going to have different needs and interests as a unit, it’s fair to say that certain concerns are going to be of interest to every couple, including their sex life, their social life, and whether or not they want to have children.
If the couple doesn’t agree on one of these important topics, it could be a serious deal breaker, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Mindless_Review2800 used to have a healthy relationship with his wife, but when she discovered that she was unable to have children, their relationship immediately shifted.
But when she told him to ‘find [sex] anywhere’ when she was unwilling to sleep with him, the Original Poster (OP) decided to call her bluff.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for getting it elsewhere since my wife didn’t want to have sex anymore?”
The OP tried many different ways to keep his marriage alive.
“A few months ago, my wife decided unilaterally that we are done having sex. She found out that she cannot have kids due to a choice she made before we met. And kids, apparently, are the only reason she was willing to have sex.”
“I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her. We used to have a great and healthy sex life.”
“I have tried a lot of different things to break through to her and to make her feel supported. I even started going for counseling for myself, as well.”
“But no matter how I approached her about our situation, she would not try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I was trying to emotionally manipulate her.”
The OP then tried a different approach, but then his wife drew a line.
“I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for counseling, to seek it for herself, perhaps to go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was set her off.”
“I worked on the wording with my counselor to make sure I wasn’t saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted.”
“She read the letter. Then she scrawled across it with her red Sharpie, ‘Go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me.’ Then she walked out.”
“I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that was what I was going to do.”
The OP called his wife’s bluff.
“We are both fairly successful in our jobs. I’m not super attractive, but I’m fit and a good talker. “
“It took a while but I met someone. We started out as just friends but it became physical.”
“I made sure she knew I was married. She is not interested in a relationship so I guess I am a safe option for her.”
The OP’s wife accused him of cheating, despite her previous statement.
“My wife found out because I did not try and hide it. She was crying when I got home one night.”
“When I came in, she asked if I was going to leave her. I said no.”
“She asked if I was cheating on her, and I said I was getting sex elsewhere.”
“She said that was cheating, and I did not disagree. I asked her what she wanted to do.”
“She said I had to stop. I asked her if we were going to start having sex.”
“She said I was an irrational a**hole if I thought that she would have sex with me after I cheated.”
“I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I had written with her answer all over it.”
The OP’s wife made demands about their relationship.
“I went to have a shower and went to my room to sleep. When I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk.”
“She said that she reread the letter and that she realized she had not before. She assumed it was just a letter begging for sex. She said she would go for counseling alone and with me. All I had to do was stop having sex elsewhere.”
“I said I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor. And that if I saw progress in our relationship I would break it off. She said she would not agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman.”
“It almost turned into a fight so I just went for my run. Before I left I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped having sex elsewhere. When I got back she still did not have an answer. She couldn’t even say that our relationship was worth saving.”
“I don’t want a divorce. But I am willing to leave over this. I am 28 I am not going the rest of my life without sex. She refuses to see my side.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and felt it was time to get a divorce.
“She didn’t even bother reading a letter you took time to write detailing your feelings and said YOU were being emotionally manipulating. You see this, right?”
“She’s definitely going through something and it sounds like you’ve begged her for help and she basically gave you the middle finger.”
“Maybe a separation rather than the big D talk. Some space, and some individual therapy for both of you to try to sort out what’s next.”
“I did become asexual after cancer. I was always on the demisexual end of things but cancer was a hard thing to bounce back from. However, if I was in a relationship I would never just put up a wall and not explain.”
“I understand you love your wife but she is not acting very loving towards you at all which is really concerning.” – Beneficial_Site3652
“I’m sorry you’re going through this, genuinely, but having to resort to seeking physical validation outside of the marriage means you aren’t compatible. Sex and romance, love languages, physical touch, and feeling wanted are large parts of any relationship. Every relationship differs in what this means, and you guys are on opposite sides of the spectrum.”
“She’s made it fairly apparent it’s not important to her, and you’ve made it fairly apparent that it is to you. Just leave. Life is too short to grow resentful of your partner and resort to seeking sex outside of your marriage. She will continue to hurt you, and you will continue to hurt her. It’s a win-win for both parties for you to leave and live your lives how you want.”
“Also, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting a sexual relationship with your partner. Just to clarify. You aren’t in the wrong; some of these comments are ignorant.” – ilovesucculents_24
“Just divorce already. It’s not fair that she’s making the unilateral decision to force you to be celibate, tells you to get sex from somewhere else because you won’t get it from her, and then tells you you’re cheating when you do so.”
“She’s manipulative and you should divorce her. It sounds like you’ve done more than enough to try to make this marriage work.” – ExcellentClient2066
“If she is refusing to have sex, that’s a deal breaker. I expect she made her response in anger and didn’t mean it. Which is pretty stupid to pull, but here we are…”
“While I can kinda see your point, to work on the marriage, the side piece needs to go. I find it a bit ridiculous that she’s calling it cheating when she’s the one who scrawled to find it elsewhere, but her actions show she’s got a lot of work to do. How she treats you, the sex situation, how she responds to issues in the marriage, etc.” – Heavy-Quail-7295
Others agreed and stated the OP ‘getting it elsewhere’ was what made him the AH.
“Please get a divorce. She needs therapy and you need to understand cheating on her is not excusable, either. Two people just hurting each other, intentionally. That’s so d**n sad.” – DisposedJeans614
“You are supposed to divorce BEFORE seeing other people. Or at least in a normal relationship where this doesn’t happen: Then she scrawled across it with her red sharpie. ‘Go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me.'”
“I don’t see your marriage lasting without some serious professional intervention. It seems like you have almost grown contemptuous for each other. That is ALWAYS a bad sign.”
“Just to be clear, I think you have a serious sexual incompatibility problem that cannot be solved in any straightforward manner.”
“I will just say what I always say: you both deserve happiness and sometimes that involves making tough choices like divorce.” – BeardManMichael
“ESH. Your wife clearly has some trauma she needs to work through about her infertility. But she won’t be able to work through that with you as her partner. Even if she goes to counseling, you cheating and putting additional stress on her for sex will not allow her a safe space to heal from her medical diagnosis. She needs to be away from you for her own sake.”
“And since cheated, she definitely will not wanna sleep with you anymore, even if she works through her trauma. The trust is broken. You’re not gonna get a fulfilling marriage or sex life from her EVER.”
“The relationship is broken beyond repair. Just get a divorce.” – SmallsUndercover
“ESH… I get why you did what you did. However, you now have proof of how good a sex life can be. You have proof you can find it. You also are in a roundabout way admitting your marriage is not worth giving it up for.”
“Yet, you still want to be married to her and keep an insurance policy. If it was just sex, you would leave the sidepiece immediately. You won’t through. Deep down you know you are setting yourself up to monkey branch. Even if it’s not with your current sex partner, you will just use her until you find a new girlfriend.”
“Grow up, leave your pretend wife. Leave your sidepiece. Go search for an actual fulfilling relationship.” – Odd_Welcome7940
Some also said that the OP’s wife needed to get therapy to work through her grief.
“Sounds like she needs mental health treatment individually. You should file for a divorce if she can’t do that. It’s over, bud, she just is not strong enough to tell you.” – Minimum_Wear_5881
“It’s clear that his wife is sterile (not just infertile) due to a scarred uterus from either unprotected STI from past partners and/or an abortion. Poor choices specifically around sex led to her not being able to have children, which she desperately wants, so she has now lost all interest in sex. She may even be repulsed by it? But she repeatedly refused to get counseling.”
“OP did what he could and now needs to move on. If she gets counseling now, it’ll JUST be to buy more time and make it seem like she tried but I don’t think she wants to give it an honest effort.” – Icy_Register_9067
“It’s really sad honestly because it makes sense to an extent that her sex drive is now very low/non-existent because she is clearly sad or even depressed about not being able to have children and may be stuck in her grief about it.”
“But OP has tried everything to get a good-faith effort from her. She didn’t want to. And sadly I do think it is time for OP to let the relationship go. Her desperate clinging now can’t save it, OP doesn’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage for her.” – EnergyThat1518
“I cannot understand women like this? If I don’t want sex with a man, I will tell him why. But then again, I also won’t trap a man I’m not sexually attracted to into marrying me just to take care of me either, which is what this sounds like to me.”
“Her first question was, ‘Are you going to leave me?’ She’s worried about her lifestyle. ‘Are you cheating,’ was her SECOND question. This relationship just is not meant to be.” – ran_do_82
“Her unilateral decision to stop having sex had consequences and she didn’t like that at all. So here is how I see this playing out. She demands you dump your side piece, cuz that makes her feel inadequate. She will go to counseling and you guys will talk ad nauseam about your relationship.”
“During this time, she will demand sex be off the table while you ‘repair the relationship.’ I put that in quotes because she has no intent on repairing anything. She is stalling for time until she can figure out how to stay in a sexless relationship.”
“If the counselor happens to suggest you try being intimate, she will lean on how hurt she was by your affair. Again, she doesn’t care you had an affair; she is only buying time.”
“She will likely throw you a pity f**k once a quarter until you give up and move on. Then she can tell everyone in her circle how hard she tried and it’s all your fault. If you bail now, she looks bad and she can’t handle that.” – coldhammerforged
The subReddit was sad for the couple because it was clear extenuating circumstances and a tragedy had ruined their relationship. But it was also clear that it was time for the couple to move on and either lead their own lives or meet new people who could better meet their needs.