Does anything you say in your sleep count in the "real" world?
That's basically what Reddit user SlowFox70 needed to figure out with their recent post to the "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit. Their wife is a sleep talker, but lately the things she says have caused the poster some concern, but is their reaction out of line?
The Reddit user asked:
"AITA for arguing with my wife over what she says in her sleep?"
We'll find out what Reddit thinks, but first lets go over how AITA works.
The subReddit is a place where people tell their stories of moral grey areas as posts. Other users write comments to vote on who the bad guy is, and explain why they feel that way.
The voting system is pretty simple:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
So now that you know what the options are, let's get to the story.
"My wife has always talked in her sleep since I have have known her. More than anyone else I've ever known."
"We slept in different rooms for a while because of it, but sleep together now and I can sleep through most of it. I know it isn't intentional from her side but it does annoy me anyway sometimes."
"The last few weeks since we are sleeping in the same bed again, she usually falls asleep first and sleeps later. So I'm just laying on my phone and hear a lot of weird sleep comments. Some are making me uncomfortable."
"Examples:"
" 'I don't want to have sex, you're gross' (while touching me)"
" 'Josh, you're so cute' (my name is not Josh)"
" 'Are you watching the baby?' (we don't have kids and don't want them)"
" 'This cake tastes like puke' (I have been baking for her recently)"
"When I try to ask her about it in the morning she says she doesn't remember, and that's probably true. But I ask her what her dreams were and she says she can't remember that too."
"Dreams are based on real feelings and thoughts in the day so these kinds of comments make me super uncomfortable because it isn't what she says to my face but it comes out when her guard is down. She says her real thoughts are the ones she tells me when she is awake but I'm starting to feel paranoid."
"I am insisting we have a real talk about what she really feels and she keeps saying it is impossible because she has no idea why she said those things. I just think deep down, she does, and doesn't want to say."
"Am I being an a**hole to keep pushing this convo? I just feel it's important for our relationship but she disagrees with that."
"If she has thoughts she isn't sharing it could ruin us later and I don't want to be hurt."
Reddit users had no issues being totally honest with the original poster (OP) - even if that honesty probably wasn't what they were hoping to hear.
"YTA. She's sleeping. SLEEPING."
"Arguing with someone over something they say when they are sleeping is insane. She probably doesn't even remember her dreams." - meatball77
"I talk in my sleep a TON. Nothing anyone has ever told me I say lines up with what I remember about my dreams."
"Also, in general the books I read and the tv I watch affect my dreams more than what's going on in my life. I was watching the Haunting of Bly last night and I had some messed up ghost dreams. Nothing that really touched on my everyday life at all."
"She could have been telling a swamp monster she didn't want to have sex with it! You cannot judge her for her sleep talking! It is random nonsense, and you are super projecting your insecurities onto it. YTA." - Music_withrocks_IN
"Man, I can't even imagine what else he's insecure about and to what degree, if he's paranoid about something as stupid as this."
"OP, YTA big time. I dreamt last night my partner turned into a mosquito and swatted him across the face with my pillow. He's certainly not sitting there right now going, 'omg it's a metaphor for how annoying and blood-sucking you find me'." - CuddlesAreAwesome
"You say dreams are based on real feelings and thoughts we have throughout the day. But these were my recent dreams:"
"I was producing gay male porn. This was based on a show about a murderous porn producer that was playing as I got a manicure."
"One of the men's penis was covered with hair. This was based on me reading about circumcision in my preparing for baby book the night before, and the sonographer saying my baby has a lot of hair (I'm pregnant with a little girl)."
"I was going downtown with my family and kept getting on the wrong bus to meet up with them. This was based on nothing more than my gma talking to my uncle on the phone the other day. I haven't gone downtown in a long time and I never take the bus."
"I was sending nudes to a dude who in real life I cant stand and wish I didn't have to associate with."
"Dreams literally just take tiny snippets of things we thought about or encountered through the day and throw them WAY out of context. They're absolutely meaningless."
"Maybe your wife didn't want to have sex with a guy she couldn't stand who wasn't you. Maybe Jason was the teenaged cashier at the store."
"Maybe the baby in her dream was a nonexistent niece. It literally doesn't f*cking matter."
"YTA. Stop being so weird and insecure." - Pikachinito
"YTA Jesus wept. I had an ex who read that our pupils dilate when we're looking at someone we love, and he used to pick an argument if my pupils weren't satisfactorily dilated when I looked at him. You sound like that." - breakfast_epiphanies
"YTA. Your paranoia is your problem. You need to do some reading on dream theory if this is upsetting you this much."
"You have no right to force anyone to share private thoughts at any time because *you* think it's "important" to do so. It's no protection against future pain in any event." - CandylandCanada
"YTA. It's just a dream."
"Dreams are often 1) not remembered at all and 2) completely nonsensical."
"You are insecure and you are using her dreams as fuel for your insecurities. It's ridiculous that not only do you think your wife can control what she dreams about but that her dreams equal conscious thoughts about your relationship."
"It's normal for people who talk in their sleep to have no memory of it. I do it all the time. My spouse does it sometimes. We often swap stories and laugh at ourselves in the morning. It's no big deal." - dogchick1985
"YTA, sorry."
"You're taking this much too personally. All kinds of wild stuff happens in dreams and things are a whole different reality in there."
"Let her have her subconscious and stop insisting she account for what she's dreamt or said without knowing or remembering it (not remembering is valid and normal). Yes, stop pushing this conversation."
"Do you remember everything YOU dream? How would you like it if you were held accountable for everything YOUR subconscious did while you were sleeping?" - b4pangea
"It is much easier to tell the wife that these are her problems because she is dreaming than accepting that OP is insecure. And if anything in the future doesn't work out it will be because she refused to stop deceiving OP when he asked about her dreams. YTA." - Roatie
"YTA, but I'm hoping so hard that this is not real. Imagine some poor woman out there just being interrogated every morning about absolute nonsense." - iamanamalgam
"YTA- Dreams are not a 'wish your heart makes.' They're your brain playing around with what it's got in storage while you're not giving it anything new to play with or anything else to do."
"Having a zombie apocalypse dream does not mean I either fear or long for a zombie apocalypse- at most it means that for some reason my brain pulled the zombie file when setting up its agenda for the evening- I might have seen a movie or commercial, heard the word, seen a Halloween display, or gotten a wedding invitation from a cousin who I got scared with watching a zombie movie 30 years ago when I was a kid. It might not have been triggered by anything at all."
"There is no real world set up for my dream where I was being chased by zombies through what vaguely seemed like an American Gladiators obstacle course with a lot of conveyor belts while dealing with gale force winds."
"Also, if a dream ends before you wake up, you're not going to remember it because you don't generally make a lot of new memories when you dream. You only remember dreams if you happen to wake up in the middle of them, and even then they are hard to recall and fade fast. Look up some of the science around dreaming."
"So basically, you are harassing your girlfriend, damaging your relationship and indulging in baseless insecurity and anxiety because you're not educated about the science behind what dreams are. Apologize and stop being ridiculous." - LilLadyBug81
Well then, we clearly know how Reddit feels about the situation. OP, you're the a**hole.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.