When we have a loved one who is in need, it's often not a question that we'll be there for them and try to do anything we can to make them comfortable.
But when we take on the role of a carer, we might fail to understand how exhausting that role can be, cautioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor sillyHannahX had always loved their mother-in-law, but after fifteen years of providing care for her and seeing her continue to decline, they questioned their ability to keep caring for her.
Because of the around-the-clock care she needed, the Original Poster (OP) felt like they were missing out on living their lives and on their marriage.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my significant other that I'm done taking care of her mother after 12 years and just wanna have some fun in our life?"
The OP's mother-in-law had needed at-home care for almost their entire marriage.
"My Mother-in-law (MIL) has lived with my wife and me for 15 years. We've been married for 16 years."
"Let me say, I love my MIL a lot. I truly do. She is very sweet. This is not a situation where there's hatred or malice between us. She adores me as well. That's part of what makes this so hard."
"MIL had to come live with us soon after we got married because she has mental health issues (Schizophrenia and depression) and was having a complete breakdown mentally."
"We had to have her admitted to the hospital and get regulated on meds to keep the schizophrenia & depression under control. She couldn't live by herself at this point and had to come live with us."
"On top of this, she has a cognitive disability due to having several strokes over the year. Her mind is like a child or teen most of the time."
"The strokes have affected her motor skills. She's not steady when she walks, she can't drive, she can't perform ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) without help."
"She is on disability and has caregiving help through the state for roughly eight hours a day. She also has to have a payee b/c she cannot pay her own bills and make sound decisions."
"My MIL is fairly young in her mid-60s, but drug and alcohol abuse on top of the mental health issues didn't do her any favors."
The OP's mother-in-law's condition only continued to get worse.
"Over the years while living with us, my MIL's health has only declined. She is now at a point where she needs 24/7 care in the home."
"She cannot perform any ADL without assistance. Someone has to go with her to the bathroom all the time and clean her, and she cannot dress herself, bathe herself, or make her own food. She can feed herself as long as the food is cut up very fine or it's something she can hold."
"She is also in the early stages of dementia. She needs a lot of therapy to help with cognitive function and physical therapy to help her get stronger (gait and arm strength mainly)."
"I work full-time & my wife was working part-time. We cannot leave her in the house alone, so we have to structure our schedules to make sure someone is home before the aide leaves daily. We take turns getting up two to three times in the night to assist her with going to the bathroom and cleaning her."
"We've had to install a call button-type system so MIL can alert us when she needs help if we aren't near her room. Sometimes, she just can't pull herself up to get out of bed, or she can't move to turn herself over as she needs."
The OP worried as they watched their wife's health and happiness decline, as well.
"My wife is now working as her mom's full-time caregiver in our home. She's been doing this for about six to eight months now. It's taking a toll on her and our marriage."
"Being her mom's full-time caregiver and being isolated basically isn't good for anyone's mental health."
"As a married couple that doesn't have any children, our every move is dictated by what her mom needs. We can't take many vacations by ourselves to just connect as a married couple because finding someone to be there with MIL 24/7 for days at a time is very difficult."
"It's hard for us to just go out to dinner by ourselves. MIL is very dependent on us emotionally and physically."
"She doesn't have any other friends, which I personally don't think is healthy."
The OP posed an idea to their wife that their wife wasn't totally comfortable with.
"I recently told my wife that I feel it's time for her mom to go to an assisted living type facility."
"She and we have done our part. We need to be able to live our lives, travel, etc. like we should be able to but can't because of our caretaking responsibilities."
"I told her I don't want to resent her or her mom ten or so more years down the road, so I had to finally say something."
"She feels like she would be abandoning her mom and now feels like it's a 'burden' on me."
"It is a burden, but one I've dealt with for a long time as I love my wife and our marriage."
"I'm very committed to helping in any way I can. I know there's so much more I/we want to do in life, and this is limiting us."
"AITAH for wanting my MIL to go to an assisted living facility?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that assisted living or a nursing home was the right answer.
"NTA."
"This has gone on long enough. Your wife is sacrificing everything, including her self-care and marriage, in order to take care of her mother."
"Boundaries should have been set 15 years ago. But it's not too late to set them now."
"Having your MIL in assisted care will still allow your wife to visit her every day and support her without giving up her happiness and sanity. It's the right decision for everyone." - Emotional-Pilot-4811
"It would also be a good thing for her to have a community! A good assisted living space will allow her to develop friendships with people she sees every day. Isolation is a huge detriment to patients with dementia." - LuciferLovesTacos
"OP, as you and your wife discuss this, please remind yourselves often that her mom was unfortunate to have become incapacitated SO young."
"You have ALREADY put in a lot more caretaking years than most adult kids have to devote to their parents' 'end of life' care. It's not like you and your wife are moving her into assisted living after six months or a year of centering your lives around her."
"You've been doing this FOR FIFTEEN YEARS! Being part- and full-time personal care assistants to her for all that time makes you VERY generous and loving people."
"You can move forward to find her an assisted living spot feeling proud of yourselves." - EnvironmentOk5610
"Here's the thing, unless your wife is a doctor or nurse, she cannot give the best medical care for her mother."
"Moving her mother to a care facility, with frequent visits offers the best of both worlds."
"Proper medical staff and care? A mental and physical break for your wife, and the emotional love and connection of you and your wife visiting often, and keeping an oversight to make sure the facility is a good one."
"It is the best and healthiest balance for all three of you." - StrangledInMoonlight
"15 years ago, MIL was in a very different state than she is now. What I am trying to say is that while it was fine for MIL to live with them 15 years ago or even ten years ago, her health, mental capabilities, and dementia have progressed to a place where it is not okay for her to live with them now."
"It's okay for the OP and his wife to say that what was a good decision 15 years ago is not a good decision now (they don't have to say or think that it was always a bad decision)."
"Where their home is not the best place for MIL now. It's incredibly exhausting physically and to the spirit to care for someone with great physical difficulties and dementia . . . Dementia makes the care much more difficult as you lose the person who used to be your loved one and they become more difficult to care for."
"Also, OP is saying assisted living, but it sounds like MIL is in a state where she requires more care than assisted living provides, which is another sign that home is not the best place for MIL."
"OP, I encourage you and your wife, or you alone if wife doesn't want to/isn't up for it, to talk with your Area Agency on Aging to get a handle on where your MIL is and what would be the best options for a facility for her as well as what financial resources she qualifies for to pay for the facility."
"Also, OP, what does MIL's doctor say about her prognosis? What's the expected timeliness for her decline in abilities -- this is important to understand what are the best facilities for her but to be honest, if her life expectancy is six months to a year, your wife may not be comfortable with her going into a facility. NAH." - Dog1AndDog2AndMe
Others assumed the MIL from 15 years ago would not want this for the married couple.
"Would MIL of 15 years ago be okay with this situation?"
"Or would she be smacking you both upside the head and telling you to use your brains and take care of yourselves? She didn't raise her daughter to be miserable?" - maroongrad
"I don't want my children having to care for me like that. It's one thing to have them visit, make sure some things around the house get done, but I absolutely do not want them having to wipe my a** and feed me."
"Based on how the OP described her, I'm sure their MIL feels the same way." - Aer0uAntG3alach
"My daughter loves me like crazy for a teenager, but when we get to that point in my life, she needs to be out living hers. I'm sure the MIL would agree." - Curious-One4595
"We have already told our children (they're early adults) that we don't mind if they help us after surgery or something temporary, but I do NOT want them losing their life to take care of me if I'm progressively ill."
"If that happens, I'm going out strong. I will not do that to them. And I told my largely empathetic one that I would be P**SED OFF if she feels like she has to take care of me in the future because the answer is no. She needs to do what I want, which is for her to have a life of joy."
"I raised them because I wanted them, unlike my mother. They owe me nothing except to give me the respect to my face that I give them." - rikaragnarok
"At her best, would your mother-in-law want this for you and her daughter? This is important to ask."
"My mom fell into this trap. My grandma took care of her mother until they became incredibly nasty to each other. She hated it and told my mom to promise she would put her in a home when the time came."
"My mom did not do this and eventually, she was just nasty to my grandma. I didn't like what it made her, it was not good, and it was done out of guilt. I stand by it was never done out of love. Your wife needs to be really honest with herself about why she feels the need to live her life this way." - Default-Munchkin
While they applauded the OP and their wife for caring for their mother-in-law for as long as they did, they were sure the couple secretly knew it was time to place the mother-in-law into a center that could provide her the medical care she needed around the clock, and for them to live their lives.
Since their mother-in-law moved in just a year after they got married, they'd missed out on some of the best years of their marriage, and it was time for them to get some quality time together.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp