Being a mother is hard. It’s even harder when it’s a role you never intended on taking on.
Redditor throwaway18394400 understands unintended motherhood first-hand.
A recent interaction with her biological son drove the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**Hole?” (AITA) for honest feedback.
She asked:
“AITA for making something difficult for my son about myself?”
She went on to explain.
“I had a son 18 years ago. My husband at the time pressured me into having a child despite knowing that I never wanted children.”
“He then passed away in an accident and I was left alone with a child that I knew I could never care for like he deserved. I gave him up when he was a year old.”
“I’ve tried my best to not think about him and have been… living. I remarried and am alright.”
“Well he recently reached out and made it very clear he wasn’t interested in a relationship. We met at a restaurant and he seemed very defensive and there was quite a lot of tension.”
“He asked me a couple questions about certain mental illnesses running in the family and I answered all of them.”
“While I was getting ready to leave, I asked him if he goes to college/university. Just to get rid of some tension.”
“He said he does and he even got a volleyball scholarship. I was a volleyball player too and got a scholarship for the same school.”
“I told him what I mentioned, called it a cool coincidence. He rolled his eyes at me and said ‘it isn’t a coincidence if you’re my biological mother.’”
“I didn’t know what to say to that.”
“He continued, “What? Is it too much for you to handle? I’m sorry for having something in common with you, my actual mother. My bad for being born.””
“I said I was sorry but he kept rolling his eyes.”
“I began to feel overwhelmed and I know this isn’t fair for me to say, but he was beginning to remind me of his father and I ended up saying ‘look I’m sorry but I never wanted to be a mother, you’re allowed to be angry but please understand that I was forced into having a child I never wanted.’”
“He went ‘way to play the victim’ before storming off.”
“Safe to say, I feel terrible.”
“The only people who know about this are my mother and sister and even they said that I was only thinking about myself in that moment and I shouldn’t have brought up anything and just answered his questions.”
“They said that I made it about myself when it’s clear that the kid was having a hard time facing me already. My sister even implied that I was a little self centred.”
“Maybe this isn’t the best place to ask but I’m too ashamed to talk about this to anyone else.”
“My sister also said it wouldn’t hurt, AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NAH. You weren’t trying to “make it about you”, you were only trying to relate to him.”
“Unfortunately, because you abandoned that child he is going to have bad feelings about you whether or not you like it. And that does not make him an AH, that is a normal reaction.”
“These are the consequences of your actions whether or not you like it. Maybe just apologise and move on. It really seems like neither of you want a relationship.” – brasspaprika
“NTA it sounds like he needs some help to get through whatever trauma he has from being adopted but that’s not your responsibility. Imo you did the right thing.”
“You didn’t want a child and weren’t prepared or mentally able to raise one.”
“I hope you don’t blame yourself too much for this interaction, as his view of you from the beginning makes me believe he wouldn’t have liked anything you said regardless.” – Kay813
“NAH.”
“You both were forced into awful situations neither wanted to be in and as a result any communication between both of you is plagued with tension and aggression on both ends.”
“You were honest about your feelings towards your son from the jump and you did what you thought was best for him in the moment, but your son is also valid in his resentment towards you for that.”
“The foster care / adoption system sucks. He sounds like he’s reeling from 18 years of pain, and I genuinely hope he gets support and help through it.”
“He said he didn’t want a relationship, but he is also the one that reached out to you.”
“Hopefully, now that time has passed, your relationship between each other can eventually mend, if it will heal you both.”
“The only AH here is your late husband, for doing this to both of you.” – jussjordy
“Whew, alot of adoption sh*t on AITA lately.”
“An adoptee here YNTA. I am also reunited w biomom.”
“It’s hard to navigate adoption reunion, and neither of you are AH. He’s valid in his confusion/rejection and you are valid in your autonomy.”
“Could you have just been kinder, for sure. He’s also 18, which is really still a kid.”
“Sometimes adoptees just want to convey hurt, (understandable, but other people are not outlets for pain) show they are real people and impress upon biomoms that they are real actual people who were given away.”
“The problem with adoption reunion is expectation, unconscious or otherwise. Neither party actually being prepared to meet emotionally/psychologically.”
“He was abandoned, that is real for him. You didnt want a kid, that is real for you.”
“Neither doing the emotional work before meeting to have true empathy/healing/knowing how reunion can amplify feelings.”
“If you feel bad and feel up to it, maybe just reiterate that you don’t want a relationship and share information about his father with him (what music he liked/etc) medical history.”
“Even honestly some facts about yourself. When I met my bio mom I was prepared and ready to be kind, but even just knowing details about her really took some of the pain of not knowing away.”
“If you need to talk DM me, I can recommend some books on how adopting out a kid brings shame/healing or put you in touch with my bio mom to help you realize you have nothing to be ashamed about, be kind to yourself.”
“But also maybe try to understand where he was coming from as well. Not easy to not know where you came from or feel like you aren’t good enough.”
“Even if adopted family is a happy one it doesn’t discount the trauma being adopted brings. Sending good vibes”
“Editing to add: Most male adoptees dont seek out bioparents until middle age statistically. If he found you being that young, asking about mental health. He might really be struggling.”
“Could be where some of the feelings come from. Hope he has a good support system.” – jennajooniper
“NTA”
“If you’re old enough and brave enough to reach out to a parent that put you up for adoption or abandoned you, you should be both of those things to get the answer that they give.”
“You were forced into a pregnancy and child that you didn’t want. You did the best thing by giving him to a family who wanted him and love him.”
“He should be happy he was cared enough to receive that treatment.”
“Some kids get left in foster homes or in some countries sold into servitude or worse.”
“He’s going to college. He has the opportunity of a scholarship. He may want a connection but if you don’t he has to respect it.” – Whorible_wife69
“NTA.”
“I don’t understand why he’d reach out or take the effort to find you if he wasn’t interested in a relationship with you. What did he hope to gain?”
“Proud of you for responding to him and be willing to meet with him. Also for the record, you didn’t abandon him as other comments have mentioned.”
“You gave him an opportunity to have a better life than you could have provided. There’s no shame in not wanting to be a mother.”
“Don’t let him or others tear you down because you were manipulated into something you didn’t desire and did what you felt was best for yourself and him.” – jessy_pooh
“This is a hard one. You gave him up for adoption. When he reached out to you, you agreed to see him. Not surprisingly, he’s very angry with you.”
“Rather than deflect his anger, you told him the truth: that you were not prepared to have a child.”
“I think that where things went astray was in your telling him that you wanted an abortion. That guarantees a negative response. Who wants to be told that they should have been aborted?”
“The kinder response would have been to skip over the decision to abort and, instead, to focus on your inability to raise him.”
“That puts his existence in a more positive light and focuses on the fact that (whether or not you wanted to abort him) he’s better off with his adopted family.”
“I don’t think that you were malicious. But I can’t blame him for being angry. NAH” – Individual_Ad_9213
Hopefully both parties involved can find healing and acceptance through supportive loved ones.