Some people become fast friends with their neighbors, almost as if they were destined to be living next to one another.
Others might not have exchanged two words with their next door neighbors after years of living next door or across the way from one another.
Unluckiest of all are those who become enemies with their neighbors, needing to work hard to avoid making contact of any kind with them.
The neighbor of Redditor simpleprivate saw that the original poster (OP)'s husband was highly skilled in an area she wanted her son to learn.
As a result, this neighbor constantly asked if her husband could spend more time with her son, as a way of learning this skill.
The OP flatly refused her husband to oblige this request, feeling that boundaries weren't being respected.
Worried that she might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my husband to stop helping my neighbor and her son."
The OP explained why she wasn't comfortable with her husband spending time with her neighbor and her son:
"About five years ago my neighbor Jane kept walking over to our house and sending me messages asking for help for her son to learn to snowboard from my husband."
"Janes husband wasn't interested in helping and she kept telling me how great it was that my husband would snowboard with my son."
"At one point she asked if my husband her and her son could go snowboarding together?"
"I put my foot down and said absolutely not."
"Fast forward a number of years later and her son is now 16."
"She again asked for help buying a new snowboard and my husband is nice and went and helped her and her son purchase one."
"She then started texting him asking if she could go with my husband and my son and her and her son snowboarding the next weekend."
"My husband said that was fine however, my son decided not to go last minute because he wanted to just spend time with my husband."
"My husband didn't know that but I did."
"My husband spent the day with Jane and her son even after me telling him that I wasn't happy about him going and that he should cancel - but he said he already told her he would and didn't want to flake."
"She texts him during work hours (he replies) and has relentless questions and asking when the next time they can go snowboarding."
"I told my husband to stop texting her and he can't go with her anymore."
"It's making me uncomfortable."
"Her husband is around and did go with them to purchase the snowboard but doesn't have the time to spend with them on the weekends and so she wants my husband to go to help them and show them the ropes."
"He's one of those people that likes to help others."
"However - I told him to ghost her."
"He said it's gonna be weird when he sees her in the neighborhood and what he supposed to say when he sees her?"
"I told him to tell her that he's just too busy."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not the OP was the a**hole for telling her husband to stop being in contact with Jane.
Many agreed that the OP was justified, finding Jane's behavior inappropriate and overbearing, with many suspecting that Jane might have romantic feelings for her husband.
"NTA."
"Point out to your husband that his desire to help is alienating his son."
"He didn't check if his son wanted the neighbors to come."
"It is not your husband job to make up for her husband being unable to spend weekends with them."-GapApprehensive3184
"NTA."
"This is one of two things (or both)."
"She has a thing for your husband and is trying to make her way toward that goal."
"She is trying to make her own, seemingly worthless husband jealous."
"Nothing else about this makes sense."- Gold-Invite-3212
"NTA."
"Tell him the facts."
"She is a married woman and should not spend alone time with a married man with her son 'cause they ain't a family, and that is weirder than flaking out on someone who's supposedly a stranger."
"Another fact is that his own son did not want them around, but he still hangs out with them, making your son uncomfortable and not wanting to go."
"The fact that he makes his own wife uncomfortable and apparently he cares more about the married neighbor more than his own wife."
"What he's doing is not being the bigger person, but he's ruining his own marriage."
"Give him that ultimatum: either he can have a family or he can ruin it."- Enviest0
Others, however, felt the OP didn't need to be quite so aggressive, feeling she should have a conversation with Jane and not ghost her, even if they agreed Jane's behavior was a bit much.
"ESH."
"Maybe I'm naive and too trusting, but it really seems like she just wants free snowboarding lessons from your husband."
"In the comments, you admit she only texts your husband when she has questions related to snowboarding and that her husband accompanied them for shopping."
"Is there a problem with the neighbor's kid?"
"Is he a bully, mean, jerk?"
"I guess not since you only bring up the wife and never the child."
"Tell Jane that you have an issue with her asking your husband for help."
"You are the one who's worried about her intentions."
"You are the one with a problem."
"Unless you are moving, don't ghost her."
"That would be stupid."
"Be honest and open; if you get backlash, then so be it."
"Honestly, you appear to be worried that Jane wants to sleep with your husband and that you don't trust him enough not to sleep with her."
"Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong."
"I don't know."
"You truly don't know either."- FluffyPal
While a few found the OP's reaction over-the-top and unjustified. Others agreed that Jane only seemed interested in snowboarding lessons and that the OP was being unfairly nasty to her.
"To sum up:"
"Five years ago, the neighbor asked you if your husband could teach her son and if she and her son could go snowboarding with your husband and son."
"You said 'absolutely not', and the neighbor apparently dropped it for five years."
"After five years, she asked your husband for help buying a new snowboard for her son."
"Your husband went with her, her husband, and their son to help them pick out a snowboard."
"Then she texted your husband asking if she and her son could go snowboarding with him and your son."
"Your husband agreed."
"Somehow, after talking to you, your son decided at the last minute not to go, but your husband kept his word and went snowboarding with the neighbors."
"It was a day trip, not an overnight trip."
"She says next time, her husband would like to go, too."
"You admit you exaggerated how much she has texted your husband."
"By your own account, this woman has never communicated with your husband about anything but snowboarding."
"She has never been alone with your husband."
"She has never suggested anything that might lead to their being alone together."
"She has been completely open with you and with her husband about everything."
"You conclude that she's trying to seduce your husband — in the presence of her son, your son, and now her husband."
"You have ordered your husband to ghost her and have forbidden him to go snowboarding with her family."
"Can you honestly not figure out who's the a**hole here?"
"What's amazing to me is that virtually everybody commenting agrees with you."
"Most of them think your controlling behavior is 'setting boundaries'.
"It's really incredible to me."
"Why are you so insecure and controlling?"
"Is your husband a known cheater?"
"Is your marriage an unhappy one?"
"Is he so attractive that wherever he goes, all the women stop and stare?"
"Are you so incredibly unattractive that you're sure other women think he'd cheat on you, given the slightest chance?"
"YTA."
"You don't need Reddit."
"You need a good therapist."
"It sounds like your son is nearing adulthood."
"When it's just your husband and his insanely jealous, suspicious, angry, and controlling wife, how do you think that's going to work out?"- AfterSevenYears
"I kind of think YTA for telling your husband to ghost her."
"I think that's childish and likely to cause animosity (which will affect everyone as long as you're neighbours)."
"Would you care if it was the kid's dad asking for your husband's help/expertise?"
"Do you have any reason to doubt your husband?"
"Whatever her motives might be (which realistically are not nefarious at all), he's an adult and responsible for his actions, she can't force your husband to act how she wants."
"You should discuss with him things like making decisions without talking it over with you/family time/father and son time/obligations to your family taking precedence and things like that but do you really need to control who he is allowed to communicate with?"- Exciting-Egg4215
The OP isn't alone in assuming that another woman wanting to spend time with her husband might not have the best intentions.
However, there's also more than enough to suggest that Jane simply did want the OP's husband to teach her son how to snowboard.
Whatever the situation, ghosting is definitely not the answer to solving this issue.
A civil conversation and setting of boundaries definitely is.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp