Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Consent, Racial Tensions
In 2024, women definitely should be able to walk into a gym and have a positive workout experience.
But women, especially from minority groups, are having as hard of a time as ever, argued the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No-Kaleidoscope-6879 was shocked when a white man who identified as gay touched her hair.
But when he became much more aggressive during a later workout, the Original Poster (OP) lashed out at him.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for cursing out a white gay man for grabbing my a** at the gym?”
The OP had a good relationship with some fellow gym members.
“Trust me, the race and sexuality of both parties are an important part of the story!”
“I am a Black Southern Woman living in Northern Florida. I am in great shape and curvy.”
“I love going to my gym and have met a few people there that I’ve become acquainted with. We say hello, goodbye, and maybe chat quickly between sets, etc.”
“At this gym, I met Jim. Jim is a white gay man. We often approach each other and chat a bit about the weekend, the weather, etc. He also often compliments my workout, hair, looks… and my body.”
“To be honest, because he was gay, I didn’t feel threatened by him mentioning my physical appearance so much. I would accept the compliment but also give him a compliment. That’s just having manners.”
But the OP’s feelings toward Jim changed after a recent set.
“This went on for months, until about a month ago, he came up behind me and flicked my hair.”
“Now, I have long dreadlocks that I have been growing for ten years. I am also a Black Woman and it’s a huge no-no to touch our hair!”
“I was offended, but I tried to laugh it off. I’m from the South after all.”
“So, I just quickly moved my hair to the other side of my shoulder out of his reach and gave him an uneasy look that I THOUGHT he could read…”
“Fast forward to this morning, I was talking to a member of my church about our beloved pastor and Jim came up behind me again… and GRABBED MY A**!!!”
“Of course, I blew up! Firstly, I didn’t know who it was when I spun around. Then I saw it was Jim, again violating my personal space, and I went OFF. I cursed him out.”
“He seemed… shocked. I seemed to have scared him as he jumped backward, put his hands up, apologized profusely, and stuttered he wouldn’t do it again.”
The OP’s friend questioned her reaction, leaving her conflicted.
“My church member (a Black straight man) saw the whole thing but proceeded to tell me that the man may have some developmental issues. He questioned if I overreacted to the gesture.”
“I’ve NEVER got that from Jim. We’ve talked almost every day for months and I never noted a developmental challenge in speech, mannerism, or intelligence.”
“Needless to say, I left in tears.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that consent was consent, regardless of sex, race, or orientation.
“NTA. The bottom line here is that another person, regardless of the race or sexualities of anyone involved, put their hands on you without prior permission. That is plenty of reason to give him an earful.” – Fluffy_Sheepy
“It doesn’t even matter the specific circumstance, this post could have been cut down to like two data points: ‘It was intentional’ and ‘I did not give them permission nor did they have reason to believe I did.'”
“The genders, orientations, etc, are all further irrelevant. Don’t touch others without their permission, period, it just makes it worse for it to be in a potentially sexual context/area.” – chris14020
“NTA. He’s an adult, he should know better.”
“If he has development issues to the degree that he doesn’t know touching someone in that way is wrong, then he needs to have a guardian with him when he goes out. He’s the AH.” – No-Personality5402
“What? No, regardless of any race or whatever, that s**t is inappropriate. And just because someone is gay doesn’t give them some magical pass to touch other people. That other dude can f**k off too for enabling. That would be like gravity thinking it’s wrong that my bowl hit the ground if I let go of it.” – TorpArlin
“NTA.”
“I don’t care if he’s gay, white, polka dots all over, a cartoon character, it doesn’t matter, you don’t touch someone’s body without their consent!”
“It would be one thing if he patted you on the shoulder, but grabbing your a**! No way. Sometimes I’ll elbow my own husband for doing that if I’m not in the mood for it, never mind a guy I’m just acquaintances with at the gym.”
“Don’t listen to your church friend either, not that having a developmental issue would make it okay anyway.” – Caspian4136
Others agreed but pointed out that the racial implications made this situation far worse.
“It is not uncommon for Black women to have to deal with white men touching their hair without permission. A Black woman yelling after being groped by a white man is likely to receive a different response than a white woman who yells after being groped by a Black man.”
“Yes, of course race isn’t what tells us that OP is NTA. The events do that. But race does help explain the situation she is navigating.” – SapTheSapient
“NTA, I’ve met many gay men who think they get a free pass to be handsy with women because they’re gay so it ‘doesn’t mean anything,’ and it’s so f**king annoying and aggravating.”
“Too often, being nice about it ends with them not taking it seriously, brushing it off, and thinking you’re overreacting. He got what he deserved and you were more than justified in your reaction.” – bubbletrashbarbie
“NTA, OP.”
“Also, folks are clearly not understanding that there is a whole subset of southern gay white men that are making an entire living emulating Black women and our culture. They are waving to their fans and speaking in a ‘Black feminine dialect’ in their TikToks and Instagram Reels, trying to become viral and to be deemed relevant.”
“They are friendly with us and carry on great conversations with us and becoming far too familiar too quickly. They feel an entitlement to encroach upon our space by virtue of their emulation until they are quickly reminded that they are NOT us.”
“Jim f**ked around and found out. OP is NTA. Race and sexuality were mentioned for this reason. Jim thought he was entitled to touch OP’s hair and body since he was a part of the sisterhood.”
“That subset of white gay men from the South has been appropriating Black feminine culture for so long, they forgot that it belonged to someone before they claimed it for themselves. It’s deeply concerning to me that the vast majority of the people who have said that race and sexuality don’t matter to the OP’s experience are straight white men. Does no one find that crazy?” – UnfairSomewhere2936
“NTA. Gay men feeling entitled to touch women’s bodies still being a thing is depressing. I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“You are allowed to tear a strip of anybody who touches you inappropriately. It doesn’t matter whether they’re disabled or not, it doesn’t matter what their sexuality or gender is. The church member is wrong and should volunteer to have their own behind fondled if it’s not a big deal.” – IllustratorSlow1614
“There are some nice intersectional issues at play here (not for OP, I mean, like, if you take it as a thought exercise and not a human’s experience).”
“On the human side, it is literally as simple as, ‘This sucks, I am so sorry, please yeet the f**ker to a planet of your choice, NTA by like immense measures. If the a**holes are over at notional ‘here,’ we can’t even see OP with a telescope, she’s so far away from them.”
“On the social side, men are raised, subtly and unsubtly, to have a phenomenal feeling of ‘right’ to women’s bodies. Being a gay guy may remove the sexual interest side, but it doesn’t remove the social structure, socialization, from the equation that says ‘don’t touch another dude even if he is on literal fire, but totally touch women if you wish, it’s different’.”
“That ‘navigating the crowd with a hand in the back’ thing? Prime example.”
“Then for OP, you get to add the lovely layer of Black vs white interaction, and again a big broad social thing about it being OK to treat ‘exotic’ people (i.e, not off-brand mayo from the same hick town) as an object.”
“Of course, we have the gay to negate the usual sex dynamic, but it doesn’t obliterate everything else.” – CopperPegasus
Not only did the subReddit think that the OP did nothing wrong by standing up for herself, many of them also completely understood the social, racial, and sexual implications of these incidents.
Because these incidents are never okay, regardless of a person’s gender, orientation, or race. But given the social implications of the OP’s experiences, the disrespect and fear ran much deeper.