Misunderstandings happen every single day, but most are fairly inconsequential.
Every once in a while, though, a misunderstanding can mess up an important relationship.
They might even illuminate something about a failed marriage, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor JqF27 recently found herself horribly confused by a conversation she had with a few of her future in-laws.
After hearing critical feedback, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure where she stood with the family.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for being upset that my sister-in-law doesn't trust me to watch her child and starting a 'feud'?"
The OP had an extensive history in childcare.
"I (35 [female]) and my fiance have been together for 4 years and set to be married in November."
"I have worked in child care since I was 12. First with neighborhood kids, then as a full-time nanny."
"I am Doula and Newborn Care certified, my AA is in Art and my BA is in social science education."
"A few years ago, I was injured and worked an office job."
"But the last year I've been back in the nanny game and I am so happy to be back!"
The OP spent a lot of time with her brother-in-law's newborn.
"My fiancé brother and his wife just had a new baby about 4 months ago."
"I've been around the baby almost every weekend and a few times at family gatherings."
"I am so excited to be her aunt."
"While at family gatherings and such I'm quick to help wherever asked, but I don't step in unless I am asked (which is often)."
The OP was asked to watch the baby before plans changed.
"Recently my fiancé was talking to his brother and he said he and his wife wanted to go out on a Saturday night."
"They said they couldn't because his parents weren't available and asked if I would mind watching her so they could go out."
"He asked me and I said I'd be delighted."
"About an hour later, I got a text from SIL, saying they decided not to go out, but thanks anyway."
"I said not a problem and to let me know if they changed their minds."
"I never heard anything back after that."
Then the OP found out the reason why she hadn't watched her niece.
"Earlier today at their house, I was holding my future niece and I heard BIL and fiancé talking about how nice getting that break was, and he straight up asked my fiance if I was feeling better..."
"I got confused and said, 'I've been fine, Lucy canceled on me.'"
"I do admit I immediately looked at Lucy and asked why she lied."
"She said it was a miscommunication and wouldn't say anything further."
"She picked up my niece out of my arms and walked away."
"I was unsure what to say or do."
"In the end, we left, still confused."
"The most my fiancé could get while talking to his brother later was 'she only wants to leave the baby with family.'"
"They left her with their 86-year-old grandma with hearing issues and who is a chain smoker."
The OP was left incredibly confused.
"I was and am flabbergasted and p**sed."
"I told my fiancé I'll respect her wishes and will just not go over until we're married if she's going to act like this."
"Now, my fiancé is mad at me, BIL is mad at SIL, SIL blames me for blowing it out of proportion and says that she's being perfectly reasonable."
"I'm standing my ground on this, and I'm also mad at my fiancé for not taking my side."
"...But then I think of my future niece and wonder... AITA here?"
"I fully acknowledge that a mother gets to choose who watches their child, but I too have the right to be hurt."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the sister-in-law's motivations to lie to the OP.
"They have a 4-month-old baby. Hormones are still out of whack, and no one is sleeping. $10 says, mom is feeling insecure right now and perhaps irrationally doesn't want any comparison to you."
"What if baby likes you better? Why did dad ask you? Does he think you'd be a better mom?"
"These are totally irrational thoughts, but may be bouncing around in her subconscious." - arkieg
"I can totally see SIL as a new mother feeling very threatened by OP's years of professional experience."
"It can be really a really difficult, overwhelming thing at first, and it's even more difficult to find your feet when you have too much expert/'expert' advice or judgment coming in (even if it's mostly your own perception)."
"It makes sense to me that SIL would want to put some distance between them while she figures things out, even if it means trading Very Good childcare for Mostly Senile chain-smoking childcare."
"I don't think it's the best choice, but I do think it's understandable." - CinderellaRidvan
"Being a new mom is hard enough, and people step all over you without even meaning to all the time. I bet OP isn't as easygoing with new mom as she thinks, just because of the nature of her career, and SIL tried to cover it up poorly." - Nomada88
Others said, all other concerns aside, it wasn't the OP's choice to babysit or not.
"I think that you're underplaying the actual reason you're hurt; your future SIL implied she did not consider you family."
"Your SIL doesn't need a reason or to justify to you why she didn't want you to babysit. Comparing yourself to the grandmother isn't fair, because its still their choice and has nothing to do with you."
"It also complicates the situation, and undermines the actual insult that was dealt to you by giving them reason to claim you are unfairly judging their parenting and insulting her side of their family."
"You are NTA for feeling hurt that your SIL said you weren't family. That's the part that I'd be focusing on." - StripedBadger
"Honestly, it sounds like it was just a white lie to smooth over any uncomfortable feelings."
"They don't need to explain why they wanted their child to be with her grandmother instead of her uncle. But its' not strange for them to decide to avoid having to say that they made that choice when 'Thank you for the offer, but we don't need you to babysit her' works fine."
"The reasoning they gave when you confronted them is the issue. I do wonder whether you were as calm as you think you were, but even in that case it doesn't justify what they said." - StripedBadger
"I disagree with NTA. The original issue was that SIL didn't feel comfortable leaving her baby with OP for babysitting. OP's response to this is, 'OK, if I'm not allowed to be left alone with your baby, then I refuse to interact with you & your baby AT ALL.'"
"That is absolutely not the response of a well-adjusted adult person to whom I would entrust my children."
"I totally understand that the 'you're not family' argument is hurtful. But we already know there's a communication issue between BIL / SIL / OP's fiancé / OP. So I don't think that comment should be taken at face value when it was communicated to OP secondhand as the result of a clearly uncomfortable situation."
"And it definitely shouldn't be a reason to take the nuclear, 'Well then I refuse to be in your presence at all' option. What likely happened is that BIL and SIL didn't agree on who could watch the baby and BIL unilaterally made a decision, and it got messier from there." - baffled_soap
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update about a call she received.
"I got a call this morning from Lucy. She was crying and upset and asked me to come over."
"I went over and the first thing she did was hand me the baby and said, 'This has gotten out of control. I need to tell you something.'"
"To summarize, she and BIL have been not agreeing on a lot of parenting choices. He tells her she's too uptight, she tells him he's not involved, he says she doesn't let him be involved, and around and around it goes."
"What really happened is, BIL tried to surprise SIL with a date, which is why he called us."
"She admitted, she didn't want to go, she didn't want to leave the baby at all, and so she told him I canceled because I was sick. She has apologized for dragging me into this."
The OP's brother-in-law actually gave his wife an ultimatum.
"It caused a fight when she said she didn't want to go out anyways, and he told her they had some serious issues they need to work out and if she didn't go, then he was considering filing for divorce."
"She agreed to go, but at that point, only grandma was available, as she didn't want to tell me any of this."
"They went out, while the baby slept (she's sleeping through the night), and they are on the verge of splitting up."
And it turned out the visit at their house hadn't been what it seemed to be.
"At her house that day, I asked why she lied, and she said the truth, 'It was a miscommunication' and refused to talk further because she didn't want to bring us into it."
"After we left, they fought again."
"It was actually BIL who said the family thing, blaming her, trying to also hide it all, I guess."
"So basically, what it boils down to is, marital problems with me being caught up in it. It had zero to do with me at all."
"She didn't even know about the family comment until BIL said I wasn't coming over anymore, which is why she called me to clear it all up."
"To end, I'm watching my niece (no longer 'future' niece) each Wednesday evening while they get some counseling."
Though the OP may have recently felt like she was on an emotional roller-coaster amidst her family, she could at least rest easy knowing that the root problem was not with her, but with a struggling marriage. Hopefully, with the help of some couple's counseling and quality childcare, the pair will be able to work through it.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.