Marriage is about compromise.
Taking someone else’s feelings into consideration is a key component of any healthy, happy relationship.
So what happens when the feelings in question are in relation to something that has nothing to do with your partner?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ThrowraRyan7697 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for yelling at my husband and telling him to get over himself after he threw away my tampon box?”
OP started with a brief introduction.
“We (Me 27, him 30) together for 3, married for 2 months.”
“So here’s a thing.”
She then explained her husband’s issue.
“I used to use pads for my periods but recently was able to start using tampons (I have medical problems) in comparison, Tampons work 10x better for me, especially when I’m outside…say like at work or traveling.”
“My husband Ryan hates them, he never truely gave a reason other than just say…he doesn’t feel comfortable with me using them.”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal at first since he said he hates a lot of stuff that I do but ‘puts up’ with it anyway except for this.”
“He asked that I go back to using pads but I made it clear since it’s my body then I get to decide.”
OP then got to the problem at hand.
“He threw away some tampons he had access to, and I was getting upset but*!!!!* to keep the peace, I just bought a box and hid it away from him.”
“He somehow found it and threw it away.”
“I didn’t find that out til I had my period yesterday and realized I had no tampons to use.”
“I was tired, and too stressed I just yelled at him after he admitted to throwing away the whole box.”
“He argued that I already knew how he felt about this stuff and yet I decided to still keep it around. I lost it and told him he had no right to do this and told him to get over himself already.”
“He stared at me almost about to tear up or something, then walked out.”
OP did explain her husband’s point of view as well.
“He later went on about how we, as a couple should take each other’s discomfort into consideration and said he already tried to speak to me about those tampons yet I brushed him off and insulted him and verbally abused him.”
“He also said that if I still insist on using them, then I should do it while I’m outside the house, but I said that it won’t happen.”
“I feel bad for how it played out, but I was just at my wit’s end, and in so much pain I lashed out.”
She was left to wonder,
“Did I go too far here? Does he have a valid point or not?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Many commenters pointed to jealousy as a motivator.
“NTA.”
“That’s WEIRD.”
“I can’t even wrap my head around why this might be his choice?”
“Is he making the decisions for your body now? And he “puts up” with your stuff? Red flag city, sister.” ~ fingapoppin752
“It almost sounds like he is jealous of the tampon. And there’s an insane amount of problems with that.” ~ Positive_Wafer42
“I’m wondering if has a weird jealousy about something being inside you.”
“Also I’m a bit concerned about his controlling of your body and ‘other things he hates’ that you do.”
“Pretty serious 🚩🚩🚩you are ignoring. You are NTA” ~ pescabrarian
Bodily autonomy was mentioned.
“Absolutely NTA.”
“You’re married yes, but this is YOUR body, he has absolutely no say in what menstrual products you use that’s literally absurd.”
“Why is he bothered about you using tampons?”
“Has he given you a valid reason apart from it makes him uncomfortable?”
“Because frankly, I wouldn’t care, he’s not the one experiencing a period, and his reaction would make me uncomfortable.”
“Tbh it kinda sounds like he has a problem with the fact it’s penetrative which again, is weird.” ~ circesmoons
As was the possibility of deeper issues.
“I’m very curious about the other things he ‘puts up with’ that you do? Because a relationship should not be built on ‘you owe me because I tolerate you'”.
“Throwing away your tampons is childish and controlling.”
“Your man is throwing a fit over a thing he has no clue about. Nag him why it bugs him.”
“I hate to be one of the probably thousands of people who say it on this sub, but this is a huge red flag.”
“He won’t tell you why he’s doing what he’s doing, and he’s trying to control your body and you.”
“Think deep and hard about other ways he controls you when he doesn’t like something, how you’ve had to change your habits or behavior to please him and honestly who you were before him, the things you liked to do, and the people around you who supported you.”
“NTA.” ~ FullGrownHip
“I second this completely.”
“This man is exhibiting major red flags, and you’ve only been married for 3 months?!”
“This controlling behavior will only get worse going forward especially when he’s not willing to actually talk to you about it.”
“Run Forest RUN!” ~ AhGaSeNation
“You are so NTA….and sadly I agree with the person who said it sounds like he hates them because they’re penetrative.”
“There are so many red flags here, but the one that I mostly want to address is the emotional manipulation.”
“Him coming back to you and refusing to take responsibility and flipping everything back on to you….is a big, raging red flag.”
“Does he do this often?”
“Mix that in with the fact that, it appears he dislikes tampons because they’re penetrative…there’s a small chance there that he’s really, really ignorant, but he sounds a little scary.”
“If he often makes his mistreatment of you your fault, like he has here, I would strongly (but also with gentleness and love) encourage you to see a therapist to help process what is happening to you.”
“also—congrats on the tampon victory ❤️” ~ celestialportafilter
“Girl, you’ve got to get out of this relationship, like yesterday.”
“This guy is trying to control the hygiene products you’re using.”
“I can’t see how there could possibly be any larger of a red flag.”
“I already have a good idea, but – what else does he control about you?”
“The clothes you’re allowed to wear?”
“The friends you can and can’t hang out with? Is this behavior new from him?”
“Some men don’t start controlling things like this until after marriage, so please stay safe and be aware if/when these issues arise.” ~ BrahmTheImpaler
Commenters explained how they’d deal with this.
“I was thinking OP could suddenly become uncomfortable with boxers or briefs and just throw away all of his favorite underwear.”
“Honestly, if someone did that to me I would go nuclear and throw away things of theirs in a way that would be hideously inconvenient for YEARS.”
“I would buy tampons and tuck them in every little space I could find.”
“I would buy a 48 pack and number them, but skip a few, so he’d keep looking forever.”
“I would make it my business to get targeted advertisements on his phone and computer.”
“I would put his name and phone number on mailing lists that fundraise for women’s hygiene products around the world.”
“I would continue using tampons, hand him a XXL one and tell him to F himself.” ~ PhysicalCounty2515
One commenter even broke it down to a list.
“NTA, but you need to run.”
“This guy:”
“-Has such bad internalized misogyny and/or jealousy that he literally can’t tolerate even knowing it’s a POSSIBILITY you put something in your vagina besides his own d*ck, for personal medical purposes, no less”
“-Stole from you, repeatedly, and threw out your stuff”
“-Turned the situation around and made your completely defensible outrage the problem and turned himself into the victim because you won’t accommodate for how he feels about his”
“-Is demonstrating extremely controlling behavior”
“Get. Out. Now.”
“These are not minor issues even individually, much less altogether.” ~ InSkyLimitEra
Commenters shared stories of better behavior.
“My (teenage) son called me to bring him some shoes he needed for practice after school.”
“He said they were in his duffle bag. (He didn’t want them when duffle bag, just the shoes.) So I went to look for them and found a stash of pads & tampons.”
“After I got over the initial ‘what the heck?!’ confusion of my son possessing feminine hygiene products (took about 5 seconds), I let myself have a proud mom moment.”
“I did confirm later that, yep, he keeps them for his girlfriend (and other girls in his friend group).” ~redessa01
Compromise is important for any healthy relationship.
The issue, however, is that a negotiation insinuates that both parties have something invested in the outcome.
When the issue is something as personal as bodily autonomy, negotiation is irrelevant, and here there should be clearly defined boundaries.