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Woman Refuses To Attend Boyfriend’s Birthday After He Canceled Her Plans To Accommodate His Mom

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Birthday celebrations take planning. You have to find a restaurant, invite people, and during the pandemic, you have to check restrictions.

So, when plans fall through it can be frustrating. Especially when it could be avoided.

Redditor Hisforhawk encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.

She asked:

“WIBTA if I don’t attend my bf’s birthday party because of his mom?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I’ve [23F] been with my bf [27M] for a year and a half and his birthday was coming up.”

“I’m not the type of person to do grand gesture but he’s the first person I see myself settling down with and I wanted to do something special. A month ago I asked if I can plan his b-day, he agreed and seemed excited.”

“So I started and decided to do it at this really nice and pretty well-know restaurant in our city, and since my dad knew the owner I asked for special favors. I asked to do some signature drinks and I even placed an order of specialized pastries and desserts from this cute bakery and was given the go ahead to bring it.”

“There was also a lot of headache surrounding the attendees as I was only allowed to reserve for 10 people, and I had to make sure everyone had their QR codes or immunization cards (because you can’t sit in the same table if you’re not vaccinated or live in the same household).”

“There was a lot of communication going on. This was happening during my summer courses so I was somewhat stressed.”

OP’s boyfriend had other plans.

“Fast forward yesterday night, he called and proceeded to tell me that his mom wanted the entire extended family for his birthday and it would be best to have it in her house (there are no restrictions in place for household gatherings and it will be in backyard).”

“He said he tried to tell her no but his grandma intervened and he gave in.”

“His birthday is literally 5 days away.”

“And it’s honestly unbelievable that he would relent when I spent all this time and energy into planning it and I’m so embarrassed that I made so much demands from the owner and then to have to call and say ‘oops, never mind.'”

“He was really apologetic but I still can’t believe someone would do this, especially since I was communicating with them. He told me we can still go to the restaurant at lunch just the two of us and then go to the party at his parents’ house.”

“He said he really wants to spend his birthday with me and he’ll make it up to me. I told him I can’t even think about spending the day with him much less his mom, after being so inconsiderate.”

“I’m really conflicted, it’s his birthday, but this is upsetting. I’m angry at both him and his mom. I don’t think I can stomach being polite.”

“WIBTA if I don’t spend his birthday with him?”

Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.

“NTA. Skip the birthday. If BF is 27 and still can’t stand up to his family, he has some growing up to do and needs help understanding consequences of his decisions.” ~ dustypinksun

“I’d invite my friends to the party at the restaurant and have a hell of a good time. A lot of work went into planning it, it’s unfair to op but especially to the restaurant owner to cancel now. NTA.” ~ OwnBrother2559

“Seriously! I haven’t spent my actual birthday with my parents/extended family in probably a decade (I’m 34). He should have told his family he already had plans but he’d love to do something with extended family on a different day.”

“I’d be livid if I was OP, and I’d be at least considering a breakup over this. It’s so unbelievably inconsiderate and him saying he’d let her take him to lunch like he’s doing her a favor, Jesus.” ~ Jrxibell

“‘Mom,GF has plans set up already for day of but if you want to do something at the weekend / any other day that would be awesome.'”

“OPBF, your mom set you a selfish and toxic test to prove she’s the no. 1 woman in your life and OP is your side piece. It was important to do this in an occasion when your girlfriend had gone to considerable trouble, calling in a lot of favors, for your birthday present, only to require you for no reason to tell her at the last minute you don’t want it. This was your gift from your girlfriend, which you gave her the go ahead to invest in for you, and you cancelled at the last minute for no reason except your mom was jealous.” ~ Cardabella

“This is 100% my boyfriend’s family and at first I have to admit this caused issues for us because I kept thinking about can I handle dealing with this stuff the rest of my life and after my boyfriend and I communicated about how his family’s last minute overbearing plans just will never sit well with me, he actually understood my view on things and agreed that he wanted to put his foot down and wouldn’t let his family dictate his plans.”

“We still do birthday celebrations like a dinner or lunch with his whole extended family like they expect us to, but now those plans are ran by us and do not interfere with our own plans as a couple since we aren’t kids anymore (we’re 23/24). For the most part we do not do the extended family celebration on his actual birthday, but that is also because he realized he didn’t want to be told what his birthday plans are by his parents anymore.” ~ Evening-Cantaloupe30

“Wow. NTA.”

“I’d highly suggest that you contact the restaurant owner to find out if there is going to be a cancellation fee. At this late date I wouldn’t be surprised if there is. You should then contact his mother and let her know the financial impact of the cancellation and that you’d prefer the restaurant party to still go ahead.”

“If she refuses to agree, go to the party with your friends/family and forget your bf’s bday.”

“Edit: go to the restaurant party with your friends/family. Do not go to BF’s mother’s house.” ~ facinationstreet

OP added some edits.

“Edit: Hi guys, I just wanted to address a couple of things and also wanted to let you know my decision. I decided not to attend the party or the plans we made with his friends for his birthday weekend.”

“I saw a lot of suggestions about inviting my own friends instead, but I feel really embarrassed about the entire thing and I would much rather not be reminded of it.”

“Some are worried about the lost of income, so I talked to my dad and he said that won’t even bother him and he wouldn’t care (I trust his assessment on this one because they golf together a lot, so he knows him better). But I’m still going to apologize in person.”

“Thanks for all the advice! You guys were really helpful, I thought my friends were just being their loyal self and siding with me, so it’s great to see some bias-free opinions.”

The boyfriend’s mom should have checked with OP before inviting the whole family.