Imagine dating someone for years, thinking they’re the one, being pregnant with their baby, and then finding out they have a secret kid.
Relationships are based on communication and honesty, so hiding a family is not a great place to start.
Redditor throwRAasexualiTEA encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not buying a gift for my boyfriend’s son?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I feel like the title makes it seem bad and I will try to make this as unbiased as possible.”
“I’m 22 (f) and my boyfriend is 26 (m), I am currently almost 6 months pregnant with his child and he has a child from a previous relationship who just is turning 3. I only found out about his other child after I got pregnant (we’ve been together for 2 years and now live together) because he felt the need to tell me the truth then.”
“This really upset me obviously because I felt like it was a huge thing to hide from me for so long, but I was already pregnant and I want this baby so we worked through it.”
“He does not pay child support but he is in contact with his baby’s mom and occasionally sends her money when she asks and I guess that works out for them. I did know he was in contact with her but I didn’t know about the money and child.”
“Since we are working through this he told me it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest and he doesn’t have to hide it anymore and since we are going to have a kid he wants to be a more active father in both his kids lives and he made a plan with his ex and has seen his kid twice since he told me the truth.”
OP is still not sure about how to handle the situation.
“I haven’t met his kid yet and It’s very overwhelming for me so I’m not sure if I’m ready. I don’t want him to not be with his other child but I really wish he told me sooner so I could prepare because this feels like such a shock.”
“Here is where the conflict come, his sons birthday is coming up and my boyfriend is really excited saying he wants to get him something really cool for his birthday.”
“We are not rich and now with a baby on the way we have to really save our money but I like seeing how excited he is as a father and it makes me happy for our child but he asked me what I plan on getting for his son?”
“And I told him I didn’t plan on getting anything because I’ve never met him and I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend.”
“He got upset about this and said that I am not being supportive of his son who is also my family now too and I am being selfish by not even considering his son’s feelings.”
“Am I in the wrong? Should I just buy him a gift? I don’t even know if his son knows about me it just seems weird to buy something for a kid I don’t even know”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA and please dump this guy ASAP.”
“’What are you buying for my SECRET CHILD FROM ANOTHER WOMAN?’” Oh my god. This guy will cause you nothing but misery, mark my words.” ~ yourlittlebirdie
“I think this is the top comment so I’m just going to reply here but I texted my mom and I’m thinking that maybe I should go stay with her for a few days at least until my next ultrasound because this is really overwhelming and I knew it was going to sound bad but I guess I was just in denial about it all?”
“I’m still not sure. I only really posted here to see if I was in the wrong because I felt guilty a little bit for hurting him and I do want both his son and our child to have good relationships with their dad :/” ~ throwRAasexualiTEANTA –
“But why would you want to have a child and be with someone who already abandoned a child, doesn’t pay child support and barely sees the kid?”
“On top of that, he lied to you for the entire length of your relationship and didn’t tell you about this kid until you were pregnant. If you can’t see all of these red flags then you are just not trying to see them.”
“Leave this dude and take him to court if you decide to keep the baby and get a custody agreement along with child support in writing. Good luck with this one.” ~ Hopz_7
“That is the most important part right here: Once you leave him, go through the official channels to make sure your story doesn’t end like that of the ex and her child.”
“Absolutely get official child support and custody sorted out so he can’t screw you over like he does his ex, who has to raise their son completely on her own physically as well as financially.”
“It makes me so angry that he doesn’t pay a cent except when she explicitly has to beg him for it. And on top of that he doesn’t even care to be with his own child? He sees him so little and his life is influenced by him so little that he can just pretend he doesn’t exist for two years? He is a sh*t father.” ~ Sagoskatt-
People shared their experiences.
“OP, I was in your shoes in a slightly different position. Slightly older guy had a kid and made himself out to be the best father. He was nowhere near that.”
“I left and haven’t looked back. Him not telling you about his child at all but especially after this long is a huge red flag. Please go stay with your mom, clear your head, and decide what is best for YOU and your baby. NTA” ~ SnooBunnies2181
“My thought was if he hid one kid what else is he possibly hiding? I mean that’s a pretty big secret and I have a feeling he has more than one kid out there.” ~ genxeratl
“My father was hiding another six kids and that he was still married. Oh, and that he expected to be treated as some kind of royalty by my mum and all his baby mamas.”
“Thank goodness my mum sued his a** once she learned what a train-wreck he is.”
“I know my sperm donor is an exception to many rules, but sirens starting blaring inside my brain in the first paragraph of OP’s post.” ~ FormerPineapple9
OP needs to focus on what’s best for her baby.