Imagine dating someone for years, thinking they're the one, being pregnant with their baby, and then finding out they have a secret kid.
Relationships are based on communication and honesty, so hiding a family is not a great place to start.
Redditor throwRAasexualiTEA encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not buying a gift for my boyfriend's son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I feel like the title makes it seem bad and I will try to make this as unbiased as possible."
"I'm 22 (f) and my boyfriend is 26 (m), I am currently almost 6 months pregnant with his child and he has a child from a previous relationship who just is turning 3. I only found out about his other child after I got pregnant (we've been together for 2 years and now live together) because he felt the need to tell me the truth then."
"This really upset me obviously because I felt like it was a huge thing to hide from me for so long, but I was already pregnant and I want this baby so we worked through it."
"He does not pay child support but he is in contact with his baby's mom and occasionally sends her money when she asks and I guess that works out for them. I did know he was in contact with her but I didn't know about the money and child."
"Since we are working through this he told me it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest and he doesn't have to hide it anymore and since we are going to have a kid he wants to be a more active father in both his kids lives and he made a plan with his ex and has seen his kid twice since he told me the truth."
OP is still not sure about how to handle the situation.
"I haven't met his kid yet and It's very overwhelming for me so I'm not sure if I'm ready. I don't want him to not be with his other child but I really wish he told me sooner so I could prepare because this feels like such a shock."
"Here is where the conflict come, his sons birthday is coming up and my boyfriend is really excited saying he wants to get him something really cool for his birthday."
"We are not rich and now with a baby on the way we have to really save our money but I like seeing how excited he is as a father and it makes me happy for our child but he asked me what I plan on getting for his son?"
"And I told him I didn't plan on getting anything because I've never met him and I don't have a lot of extra money to spend."
"He got upset about this and said that I am not being supportive of his son who is also my family now too and I am being selfish by not even considering his son's feelings."
"Am I in the wrong? Should I just buy him a gift? I don't even know if his son knows about me it just seems weird to buy something for a kid I don't even know"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA and please dump this guy ASAP."
"'What are you buying for my SECRET CHILD FROM ANOTHER WOMAN?'" Oh my god. This guy will cause you nothing but misery, mark my words." ~ yourlittlebirdie
"I think this is the top comment so I'm just going to reply here but I texted my mom and I'm thinking that maybe I should go stay with her for a few days at least until my next ultrasound because this is really overwhelming and I knew it was going to sound bad but I guess I was just in denial about it all?"
"I'm still not sure. I only really posted here to see if I was in the wrong because I felt guilty a little bit for hurting him and I do want both his son and our child to have good relationships with their dad :/" ~ throwRAasexualiTEANTA -
"But why would you want to have a child and be with someone who already abandoned a child, doesn't pay child support and barely sees the kid?"
"On top of that, he lied to you for the entire length of your relationship and didn't tell you about this kid until you were pregnant. If you can't see all of these red flags then you are just not trying to see them."
"Leave this dude and take him to court if you decide to keep the baby and get a custody agreement along with child support in writing. Good luck with this one." ~ Hopz_7
"That is the most important part right here: Once you leave him, go through the official channels to make sure your story doesn't end like that of the ex and her child."
"Absolutely get official child support and custody sorted out so he can't screw you over like he does his ex, who has to raise their son completely on her own physically as well as financially."
"It makes me so angry that he doesn't pay a cent except when she explicitly has to beg him for it. And on top of that he doesn't even care to be with his own child? He sees him so little and his life is influenced by him so little that he can just pretend he doesn't exist for two years? He is a sh*t father." ~ Sagoskatt-
People shared their experiences.
"OP, I was in your shoes in a slightly different position. Slightly older guy had a kid and made himself out to be the best father. He was nowhere near that."
"I left and haven't looked back. Him not telling you about his child at all but especially after this long is a huge red flag. Please go stay with your mom, clear your head, and decide what is best for YOU and your baby. NTA" ~ SnooBunnies2181
"My thought was if he hid one kid what else is he possibly hiding? I mean that's a pretty big secret and I have a feeling he has more than one kid out there." ~ genxeratl
"My father was hiding another six kids and that he was still married. Oh, and that he expected to be treated as some kind of royalty by my mum and all his baby mamas."
"Thank goodness my mum sued his a** once she learned what a train-wreck he is."
"I know my sperm donor is an exception to many rules, but sirens starting blaring inside my brain in the first paragraph of OP's post." ~ FormerPineapple9
OP needs to focus on what's best for her baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.