When we think of a breakup, we generally cringe, because a lot of relationships end messy.
But there’s an especially cringeworthy place in the breakup world for those who have future plans made, balked the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
To help out her boyfriend’s family, Redditor One-Protection57 paid for all of their flights, hotel and Airbnb arrangements for a destination wedding they were excited to attend.
But after the couple broke up, the Original Poster (OP) was worried she would never get her money back from her now-ex-boyfriend’s family.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for insisting on going on the family vacation of my ex-boyfriend?”
The OP ended her relationship on good terms with her boyfriend.
“My (34 Female) and ex-boyfriend (25 Male) were together for a year and a half. Our breakup was amicable (I never assumed it would last given the age difference).”
“I also got along well with his family, even with his mother who (understandably) wasn’t a fan of our relationship given the age gap, but did like me as a person.”
The OP also assisted her boyfriend’s family with going to a destination wedding.
“Before our breakup, we were invited to a destination wedding of his cousin in Hawaii.”
“I was asked to make the arrangements for flights and hotel. I didn’t mind, so we made the arrangements together, selecting the place and flight times.”
“I put it all on my credit card with the promise that they would pay back their portions when they could (over 2000 dollars each).”
“I have a good job and could pay off the whole trip and I was happy to do it to save them interest on a credit card.”
“And since then we broke up.”
The ex-boyfriend’s mother followed up about the travel information.
“Recently, I got an email from his mother, asking for her flight and hotel information.”
“I politely reminded her that they would need to pay back their portion (it has been three months since we booked the trip) and asked if they would reimburse me for my portion of the hotel and Airbnb since we broke up and I wouldn’t be attending.”
“At first, her response was cool but polite, saying that I would get my money eventually.”
“I didn’t respond.”
The follow-up conversation wasn’t nearly as cordial.
“She wrote back again with a much different tone, demanding the information for the hotel/Airbnb and I said I was causing undo stress while they were planning for this big trip.”
“I replied that I would happily share that information once I was reimbursed.”
“She said that I would not be reimbursed for my portion of the accommodation expenses and that she was going to tell everyone how terrible I was for holding the hotel information hostage.”
The OP’s ex-boyfriend agreed with his mother.
“I texted my ex and asked what was happening and why things had taken such a turn.”
“He said I was being unreasonable and making everything about money, which was unfair, since I knew they were struggling financially and I wasn’t.”
“I said that it didn’t feel very fair to me that I was basically paying for them to go on this trip and getting nothing.”
“He assured me that they would work on paying me back when things got better for them financially.”
“I said that just wouldn’t work for me since I had no guarantee and no idea how long that would be and that I would still be out thousands of dollars since they didn’t want to reimburse me for my portion.”
The OP came up with an alternate plan that her ex-boyfriend despised.
“I offered instead to let them share one room at the Airbnb and one room at the hotel but that I would be staying in one room, as well.”
“He was outraged and said I was making things weird.”
“But my side is that I have the time off from work and paid for it, so why shouldn’t I go?”
“I told him that I’m still within the range to cancel the reservations if that was a better fit, which he also didn’t like, since prices are much higher and places are harder to find now.”
“I won’t attend the wedding, of course, but I don’t see why I can’t take the vacation that I planned and paid for.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was only being the AH to herself for getting herself involved.
“Girl. Why in the world would you put yourself through all that drama and bulls**t? Flying with them, staying in a room in the same hotel as them, avoiding each other on the Island and in the hotel, and then flyng back, with his family talking shit to you and being mean the whole time?”
“All while you pay for their flights and rooms, KNOWING you’re never getting paid back a dime? I know petty is fun to think about. But you’re long past that kind of manic girl drama.”
“Relationships end. They can’t and won’t pay you back, and they wouldn’t have paid you back even if you two had stayed together. Cancel their arrangements. Keep your own, if you want.”
“Have fun in Hawaii or wherever else you decide to go on your vacation. Move on. It would be the most mature, sensible, respectful thing you could do for yourself. And the only way to make a clean break.”
“If you insist on paying thousands to take this circus on tour, just to stick it to your ex, YTA. Massively. Not to the ex or his family (they’re deadbeats, who never planned to repay you). To yourself. I really hope you choose differently.” – External-Hamster-991
“YTA (to yourself) if you go on that vacation with your ex and his family. If you can cancel the airfare and accommodations, then do it, and get back what you can. They are NOT going to ever pay you back.” – InternationalOil540
“YTA if you let them go and then you tag along. The only correct move here is to cancel their s**t and go yourself.” – KeithDavidsVoice
“YTA. It’s like paying for a scary rollercoaster ride and realizing your ex is the operator. You’re asking for trouble! Go enjoy beautiful Hawaii without them, please!” – Working-Ad-9100
“Give them a hard deadline: ‘Pay X amount (cash, certified check, or Venmo,’ not a personal check that they can stop payment on). Pay in full by a specific date. If they don’t pay in full by that date, the reservations will be canceled, and it will be up to them to get new flights and lodging. And you will recoup your money.”
“Those are your terms; full stop. It is neither your obligation nor your responsibility to extend credit to your ex and his family.”
“If paying you back wasn’t a priority when you and your boyfriend were together, it definitely isn’t in the realm of possibility now that he’s your ex.”
“NOT YOUR CIRCUS. NOT YOUR CLOWNS.”
“NTA.”
“And do this via email to ex and ex’s mom (with a read receipt). Then it’s totally on them. And if they miss the deadline and send their flying monkeys to tell you that you’re an AH, just forward a copy of the email. Same if they complain about you on social media; just post the email.” – AdEmpty4390
Others agreed and saw nothing wrong with the OP still enjoying her trip.
“NTA. It’s been several months and you haven’t been reimbursed for even a portion of the trip.”
“In my opinion, since you’ve paid for everything, it’s your vacation to enjoy. If you can afford it, why not just cancel the extra airline tickets, keep the AirBnB, and have a lovely time in Hawaii on your own?” – Emergency-Ad-5935
“The ex-in-laws be like, ‘How dare you expect us to pay when you know we can’t afford it!’ and ‘Don’t make it weird by coming to the Airbnb/hotel you booked for us. Break-ups mean we’re over.'”
“Lol (laughing out loud), NTA.”
“One time, I had an ex who, as a joke, bought me (and himself) tickets to see Weird Al for Valentine’s Day. He was a dude who laughed at the idea of romance so I knew it was a bit of a gag.”
“We broke up shortly after. But, I made sure to tell him that I couldn’t wait for the concert, that he could pick me up at such-and-such time.”
“When we got there, and I sat between him and, to my surprise, about five of his buddies. Apparently, I used a ticket and one of them couldn’t go. Sweet, sweet revenge.”
“Fantastic concert. 100% RECOMMEND Weird Al.”
“And I 100% recommend going to Hawaii, OP.” – WhiteSauce2
“NTA. That was already a generous offer to share it with them, but so unnecessary. You owe them nothing. Especially with that attitude. And I’m a people pleaser to the core.”
“Do you. Go have fun. Make it a girls’ trip. Or a solo trip. I volunteer as tribute!” – Gimmetots123
“You know on a deep down level that they are never going to pay you back and probably weren’t going to if you were still dating your ex. Cut your losses and have a good time in Hawaii. NTA.” – myglasswasbigger
“You are not being more ethical or a soft touch. You are being a doormat but not an a**hole. They are using you and you will not get your money back.”
“If they can’t afford it, they shouldn’t go. A wedding invitation isn’t a summons. They don’t have to go. Their heads won’t explode if they can’t go to Hawaii. Especially on your dime.”
“I don’t know if you are a people pleaser or still have feelings for your boyfriend, but you need to end this entire situation and move on.”
“Either give them a final date for payment in full (NTA), cancel the tickets (NTA), or consider the money flushed down the toilet because you will never see it again (YTA).”
“Don’t go with them. Don’t share accommodations.”
“Why would you want to do that? Why torture yourself?”
“At the very least, refund their portion, and use some of that to enjoy your own solo Hawaii trip.” – Adventurous-Bag7166
The subReddit agreed that this was a messy situation, and it was one that OP needed to separate herself from as soon as possible.
The best options, the subReddit felt, were to either cancel the trip entirely and come up with a new plan for the OP’s vacation time, using some of the refunded money, or she could cancel her ex’s portion of the trip, and use some of that refunded money to go enjoy Hawaii by herself.
Either way, she needed to say goodbye to her ex, his family, and any dream that they were actually going to pay her back, and instead look forward to a wonderful solo trip ahead.