People say that when you marry someone you also marry their friends and family.
But, what if one of those friends is constantly disrespectful and insulting?
Partners should have each other’s backs.
Redditor throwitaway2399 encountered this very issue with her husband’s friend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for refusing to let my husband’s oldest friend into our home?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Yes, another post where it seems obvious that I’m TA from the title, but hear me out.”
“My SO’s oldest friend is a bully. We’ll call him Matt. 3 years ago, Matt was over at our house having some beers with SO. I had been out all day with our oldest child and got home in the evening.”
“I cheerfully said hello and had a drink with them while I put our shopping away and got our kids sorted for bed while occasionally chit chatting with the guys.”
“I asked SO to turn down the music as the kids were going to sleep.”
That’s when issues started.
“Matt started chirping me to SO, saying ‘oh fun’s over I guess’ and the like. He made several other rude comments including asking me if I was ‘going through the change’ when I mentioned that it was warm in the house.”
“I bit my tongue because he’s just a loser.”
“The final straw was when I was laying down with my daughter, and I overheard Matt say to SO ‘I guess I can see now why you’re not allowed to come out and hang with us anymore, dude.'”
OP’s partner didn’t side with her.
“Again, radio silence from SO, I was livid.”
“I came downstairs and said ‘that’s more than enough, the first five comments weren’t funny either.’ I went back upstairs til he left.”
“Once he was gone, I came downstairs and let loose on SO, telling him what an ass his friend was and how dare he speak to me like that in my own house.”
“Tons of swearwords and I wasn’t quiet about it; Matt was on the porch waiting for SO to bring him something and heard everything.”
“He sputtered out a lame apology and then left in a hurry. To make matters worse, about a week later the group got together, where Matt called SO out in front of everybody because of how I treated him, painted a picture of me being a crazy wife and told my husband that he only apologized because ‘they’re boys.'”
OP’s partner tried to make things better.
“SO, in his infinite wisdom, came home and told me this. Worth mentioning, this is very out of character for SO; he’s got weird blinders when it comes to this friend.”
“No excuse for his behavior, but it’s not the norm. He would also handle the kids if I was the one having a visit.”
That was just the beginning.
“Fast forward three years, SO has continued seeing Matt from time to time. I have never stopped SO or given him grief when he visits with Matt. I just ask that he keep it away from me.”
“Things came to a head about a week ago, SO told me that Matt was coming over to apologize, at SO’s direction. The reason for this, was not that Matt had some great epiphany, but that SO wants to start having Matt over again.”
“Basically I’d be accepting a second fake apology so that the boys can play at my house again too. Barf.”
“Here’s where I wonder if ITA; SO has asked for a compromise, that he’d only have Matt over when I’m not home. “
“This is a concession I don’t feel ready to make.”
“After that night, he never once told Matt that his behavior was unacceptable. I don’t think I should have to allow this person inside of my home, ever. I have taken a hard line on this.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. But it’s not the friend that’s a problem it’s your SO. He’s not backing you up with his a**hole friend.” ~ SonuvaGunderson
“NTA- I would say both are the AHs. Obviously Matt and the husband for not standing up for OP and thinking this late not-really-meant apology is ok.”
“I just want to say that I’m very impressed with OP. She hates this friend (who sounds beyond horrible) but she only asks that hubby doesn’t see him in their house.”
“She doesn’t ‘forbid’ him from seeing Matt or even expressing that she wants him to give up the friendship. Very mature of OP.”
“Many spouses would want the friendship ended (not right, but that is often the reaction when a spouse’s friend is disrespectful). We don’t know Matt and Hubby’s history to be able to judge their friendship.” ~ Wearealreadyhere
“Matt does this because he’s allowed to by the person whose opinion regarding this matters to him: OP’s husband.”
“I guarantee you Matt was sh*ttalking OP behind her back long before the first incident. And odds are the husband doesn’t just sit there quietly like he did when she was there, he laughs along and probably bitches/makes “jokes” about her, too.” ~ thistleandpeony
Some think Matt was just projecting his own insecurities.
“He needs to put you, your husband and your relationship down to justify his single status and inability to have a decent relationship because of his ‘narcissistic AH disease.'”
“He is jealous, and is trying to make his pathetic existence look like a great choice…when it’s not a choice but what he has ended up with, as no one wants to be with him.”
“If he has to come over, the next time he puts you down tell him you feel bad that he has such low esteem because no one wants to be with him.”
“And you understand his lashing out and negative comments are classic over compensating for having relationship issues, possibly small (very small) personal ones.”
“Do that every time he says something mean. Shake your head and look like he is a sad pathetic puppy that piddled on the carpet often…have some fun.” ~ Feeling-Fab-U-Lus
No one should be disrespected in their own home.