It’s always humbling when a friend steps in and offers to help you financially.
Be it simply covering you for a cup of coffee, or lending you a sizable loan to make a downpayment on a house, knowing that someone cares about you that much to help you in that way is truly moving.
This makes it imperative to make sure our thankfulness does not go unnoticed, and more importantly, we don’t take advantage of their generosity.
Learning her friend was going through an ordeal she could relate to all too well, Redditor South_Marine3167 gifted her a sizable amount of money to help her out.
However, after learning that this same friend mocked her over her very painful ordeal, the original poster (OP) swiftly rescinded the money.
Much to the shock and anger of her friend.
Wondering if she was out of line for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for cancelling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?”
The OP first shared how she struggled with a condition which came at a heartbreaking cost to her personal life.
“I (35 F[emale]) am infertile.”
“My ex husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened.”
“He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they’re expecting a 2nd child together.”
“It hurts like hell seeing someone else have what I couldn’t.”
“I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with family blaming me for basically everything.”
“I turn to my friends for support, Especially ‘Alessia’, she’s in the same ‘infertility boat’ as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it’d work.”
Learning her friend was in the same boat as she had been, the OP willingly offered her money to help her out, until she became aware of a text message regarding her past.
“Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle.”
“I agreed to write her a check of $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached.”
“I wrote the check and gave it to her last week.”
“She was very appreciative of it.”
“The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend ‘Carol’ with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia.”
“Turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because ‘she didn’t wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way!'”
“‘While she’s alone and without a family at 35! (She’s 32).”
“I was stunned and hurt, I knew she meant me here.”
“But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and cancelled the check.”
“In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I cancelled the check and I told her.”
“She went batshit saying she didn’t mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an ‘inside joke’ between ‘desperate infertile women’.”
“She came over with her husband the next day begging I write another check but I refused.”
“An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn’t being supportive of her like when she supported me throughout my struggles.”
“She left crying and we haven’t talked since then.”
“Her husband keeps reminding me, while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake, of the date of the next cycle saying they can’t have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!”
“Some friends thinks I’m being oversensitive.”
“Carol’s on my side telling me to tell them to go to hell but I feel so bad about it.”
“what I’ve done might just damage our 15 years of friendship.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have cancelled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances.”
“So reddit, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for canceling the check she wrote to Alessia.
Everyone agreed that after the OP gave her such a significant amount of money, Alessia should never have said such cruel things about her, even behind her back, and the OP was more than justified to void the check.
“Holy sh*t, NTA.”
“TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS, no strings attached?”
“Yeah I would be kissing your a**, you would be my future kid’s God parent, I would wake up grateful for your existence every f*cking day.”
“Bashing you to another friend behind your back?”
“Hell f*cking no, I would be out there calling your praises from the rooftops.”
“Alessia doesn’t deserve your friendship, let alone your money.”- ohwhatisthepoin
“SHE damaged 15 years of friendship.”
“SHE used you as the butt of an ‘inside joke’.”
“Despite knowing how hard this was for you.”
“SHE hasn’t taken any accountability for her wrongdoings and her and her partner are blaming Carol for what SHE said.”
“Their behavior afterwards shows no remorse.”
“Just bullying of you and Carol.”
“Manipulation via guilt tripping.”
“Your friends can hand over their cash since they think you’re ‘over sensitive’.”
“Bullies always blame the victim and it seems like you know a lot of them.”- Status-Pattern7539
“I am so sorry for all of your heartbreak OP.”
“I myself could never have children due to endometriosis, Factor 5 Leiden, and a few other health issues and lost a husband due to this.”
“Your friend said cruel things that were not a joke and is angry because she got caught.”
“You were being kind and generous and she threw all of that away.”
“This is a hill to die on.”
“Take care of yourself OP.”- Ilsabet
“Why should you show her situation empathy, and give her 12k, after she’s shown none to you?”
“What a nasty, hurtful message.”
“It’s not a ‘joke’ because it’s not funny.”
“It’s smug and cruel and there isn’t another way to take it.”
“Alessia and her husband are disgusting, entitled AHs who can pay for themselves.”
“They’re the toxic snakes that you need to cut out of your life.”
“Don’t let them manipulate you.”- Sel-Reddit
“The hurtful ‘inside joke’ aside, and to how many others she shares that ‘joke’ to, you’ll never know, it’s the husband’s sense of entitlement that’s off-putting.”
“And to even devolve into an argument yikes.”
“People arguing that someone should grant them a favor are quite a subset.”- peregrine_throw
“It was a cruel thing to do of her.”
“Especially after you are being so gracious towards them.”
“Btw, just a reminder, your worth is not connected to your ability to bear children.”
“Anyone telling you any different is just wrong.”
“You decide what your contribution is to this world, what your legacy is, and from what I hear, OP has the biggest kindest giving heart while still having strong moral values.”
“That makes her worth A LOT in my book.”
“Anyone who doesn’t see that is just blind and oblivious.”- Tigarana
“An inside joke is inside because it’s between the people who started it.”
“She made you the butt of a joke and was cruel.”
“This may not just damage your friendship, it may end it.”
“But do you really need friends like that?”- breathemusic14
The OP later returned to thank everyone who took the time to comment, while also giving an update as to where things stood between Alessia and herself.
“Wow thank you so so much for all this support and compassion that you’ve shown me.”
“I could feel it through my screen.”
“I have decided I’m going to put some distance between me and Alessia.”
“Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now especially for my mental health.”
“After reading some comments here I now feel less heavy and more relieved.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia’s behavior.”
“It’s a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm.”
“Oh and by the way, I sent Carol a link for this thread to see what her thoughts were and she just laughed.”
“She was kind of angry I used her real name but relieved that I used a throwaway LOL.”
It’s always a risk to talk behind people’s backs, as there is no guarantee that it won’t eventually find its way to that person’s ears.
Something Alessia will hopefully never forget for the rest of her life.
But something she should have considered the minute the OP handed her a check for $12,000.
An amount that seems paltry in comparison to losing a close friend, and living a potentially childless life.