Grief is different for everyone, both in how it is handled and how it affects them.
Some people are resolute, and with some effort on their part, are able to bounce back from it with no problem.
For others, however, it can take months, even years to process, and they will often rely on the comfort of others to continue their path to recovery.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor Throwawaypregnancy7 was still haunted by a personal tragedy, much to the exhaustion of the original poster (OP).
In fact, the OP got so tired of hearing about her SIL’s past, particularly at family celebrations, that she pointed out how her loss may have actually been a good thing in the long run.
Something which did not go over well with the OP’s SIL or her family at all.
Wondering if she was, in fact, out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for implying that it’s for her own good that my SIL lost her pregnancy?”
The OP first shared how her SIL hit a rough patch, and it took a personal tragedy to convince her to get her life in order, though she still hasn’t recovered from the tragedy.
“My SIL used to be a drug addict, with no stable job and trapped in toxic relationships, till she got pregnant 2 years ago, but ended up miscarrying cause of her unhinged behavior, which left her a mark on her.”
“Since then she turned her life around, accepted to get help for her addiction, and she’s clean and has a stable income.”
“However, there’s still one problem with her.”
“She still mourns her lost pregnancy almost every time we see her, which I understood initially, as it would be a pretty big trauma for everyone.”
“But it’s been years since then and her pity parties already got pretty old.”
“Especially, and I know I might sound cynical, when her lost pregnancy was what made her turn her life around for the better.”
When the OP’s SIL brought up her miscarriage at a family celebration, the OP made an observation which did not go over well with her SIL or her extended family.
“I (28 F[emale]) got pregnant with my husband of 3 years (29 M[ale]), and yesterday we had a gender reveal party for our families.”
“It’s a boy.”
“His sister was of course there and not long after the reveal she started to reminiscence about much she’d wanted to become a mother as well and how much she got affected by her pregnancy.”
“I quickly got sick of this, as not only she was once again pulling this stunt, but she was doing at my gender reveal in order to get all the attention on her.”
“And so I told her that she should reconsider her miscarriage as a blessing in disguise, as it finally gave her the help she needed to turn her life around.”
“She looked shocked at me and then asked me if I seriously think that her miscarriage was a good thing.”
“I told her that considering that back then she was a drug addict who was changing her jobs and partners faster than sockets, with a father who wasn’t in the picture, at least that’s what she told us, but knowing her past lifestyle I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t even know who the father was and was too embarrassed to tell us, it’s probably for the better that her child wasn’t brought into the world in these conditions.”
“After that she, together with my parents-in-law, started blowing off at me, telling me that just because I lack empathy doesn’t mean I get to reduce her trauma to a good thing.”
“My husband intervened and finally managed to calm them down and the party ended abruptly.”
“After everyone left, my husband took me aside and told me that what I said was really out of line and my pregnancy hormones aren’t an excuse to act so unhinged.”
“That made me blew off at him, telling him to cut the misogynistic crap about pregnant women being out of control, as there was nothing unhinged about what I said to his sister, it was just the rational truth and if he wants to see unhinged behavior, he should look no further than his own family.”
“He got too ashamed to say anything else after that and I made him sleep on the couch, so I wouldn’t need to hear any more BS coming from his mouth.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little sympathy from the Reddit community for her behavior, many of whom agreed she was most definitely the a**hole.
Some agreed that it was wrong of the OP’s SIL to bring up her past trauma at the gender reveal party, but the OP did not handle the situation in an appropriate manner.
“ESH except your husband.”
“Your SIL shouldn’t have made your gender reveal about her loss, but you absolutely positively DO NOT get to tell someone else how to feel about a traumatic event.”
“She wanted that baby, regardless or whether or not she ‘should have” according to you.”
“The same behavior you’re accusing your husband of assigning to you is the same thing you’re using to justify minimizing your SIL’s loss.”
“You. Don’t. Get. To. Tell. Someone. Else. How. To. Grieve.”- NorthernLitUp
“Sister-in-law shouldn’t have brought her miscarriage during your gender reveal, but holy crap, you really stuck the knife in!”
“Your comments were terrible.”
“She isn’t having pity parties, she’s still mourning the loss of her pregnancy.”
“There’s no timeline on grief.”
“You are right that your husband shouldn’t have excused your bad behavior on pregnancy hormones.”
“It’s clear this insufferable lack of empathy for your sister-in-law has been boiling under the surface for years just waiting to escape.”
“Pregnancy isn’t an excuse.”
“The BS was coming from your mouth, not his.”- Wise-Ad8633
Others, however, felt the OP was simply being selfish and insensitive to both her SIL as well as her husband, finding her comments to be way out of line.
“There’s nothing misogynistic about calling out inappropriate behavior when you see it.”
“You could have got up and walked away and refilled your drink or greeted your other guests etc when she started to talk about her loss during your party.”
“But you chose to be unkind.”
“I hope to god that this is just hormones and not your natural disposition to be so unkind.”
“I hope you don’t teach your son to tell people that their pregnancy loss is a blessing.”-BaconEggAndCheeseSPK
“Not for what you think, but for how you handled the situation.”
“Your sister-in-law needs a therapist, not some unsympathetic cynical person who considers her selfish.”
“You consider her talking about it to be a ‘stunt’, so you would be the last person to approach her how you did.”
“And how you treated your husband is a**hole behavior too.”
“He was defending his sister, his family, when you were acting like a d*ck to her.”
“So yeah, you are the a**hole.”
“Not for what you said exactly, but for how you went about the whole ordeal.”
“I do hope your sister in law gets a nice therapist who can help her with her trauma, before she gets pregnant again.”
“And I hope you’re not like this with your husband all the time.”- MintDrawsThings
“Pro tip: Never tell someone that something they feel to be tragic is a blessing in disguise.”
“And talk about unhinged!”
“You made your baby genital reveal party about your SIL’s past personal issues.”
“SIL was kind of a jerk to bring up her miscarriage at your event, too, but you’re a piece of work.”-TemptingPenguin369
“Sensitivity chip missing in this one.”
“It sounds bad because it was bad.”
“What an ugly thing to say.”
“You never tell anyone that the death of a child is a good thing.”
“You sound like you have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.”
“The title is horrible.”
“You were being horrible.”
“I can understand that you don’t want her to bring up her loss during your own baby’s celebration, but you have got to cut her some slack.”
“You shamed her for her choices, shamed her for her addiction, and shamed her for having a miscarriage.”
“Shame on you.”- Glittercorn111
Frustrating as it may have been for the OP to hear her SIL bring up her miscarriage at her gender reveal party, perhaps if she took a moment to stop and think, the OP might have realized that being at a party centered around pregnancy might have triggered something in her SIL.
And while she might not be wrong in pointing out how it did take her miscarriage to put her SIL on the straight and narrow, one would think she might also realize the horrible price she had to pay for her better life.
Here’s hoping the OP might learn a bit more about sympathy and compassion before she welcomes her baby boy into the world.