No two people have the same relationship with their extended family.
Some people are fortunate enough to live in the same town or vicinity as most of their extended family, seeing them with regularity and maintaining close relationships with them.
Other families are more spread out, but though they might not see each other often, still remain on cordial terms.
In some more unfortunate cases, some people effectively cut ties with certain family members, not only seeing them rarely, if ever, but sometimes even making a point to remain out of contact with them.
Redditor AlternativeSurvey791 grew up having little to no contact with her mother's side of the family, and as she grew older, also grew sadly more distant from her mother.
As a celebratory occasion fast approached, the original poster (OP)'s mother insisted that she and a number of people the OP had little to no contact wiith also be present.
The OP was not thrilled with this idea, but when she told this to her mother, her mother simply clapped back at her for being inconsiderate.
Wondering if this really was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom it's my baby shower, not hers?"
The OP explained why she was surprised and frustrated by her mother's control over a notable milestone of hers:
"I (25 F[emale]) am pregnant with my first baby."
"I am so excited for this new chapter of my life."
"My mom and I are currently planning my baby shower."
"My brother and I were primarily raised around my dad's family."
"When I was too young to remember, my parents decided to spend minimal time with my mom's family."
"Her family is messy; several of them were drug addicts, they were always fighting, and it just wasn't a good environment for kids."
"Therefore, weekends and holidays were spent with my dad's family."
"My parents recently got divorced."
"Since the divorce, my mom has really struggled with my brother and I spending our time with my dad's family."
"I understand how and why it is hard for her."
"She feels like we prioritize my dad's family over hers, but we don't have any relationship with her family."
"My dad's family reaches out on birthdays, holidays, for milestones, etc."
"I didn't hear from anyone on my moms side of the family when I got engaged or married, which is fine, it's just a testament to the lack of relationship I have with them."
"Now that the baby shower is in the works, I made my guest list, which had about 57 people on it."
"I asked my mom who from her family she wanted me to invite."
"She had me add 17 people, 7 of whom are friends she's had for less than two years."
"The rest are her family, who I don't really know."
"I added all of them with no questions asked."
"I had too many people on the guest list and had to remove some of them."
"I removed nine people from my list."
"I then asked my mom who I could remove from her list."
"She replied to my text and said 'everyone I sent you is important I would like you to keep them on the list'."
"I just said okay."
"Shortly after, she asked me if I ended up removing anyone from her list."
"I told her that I removed three people from her list, who I haven't seen or heard from in at least ten years."
"She told me one of them was already informed of the shower and verbally invited."
"So, she asked me to send an invite to this person."
"I did, with no hesitation."
"A few days later, while out to brunch, she said, 'There were other people I would have preferred you to take off the list than the people you did'."
"I explained that she could have told me this when I asked her who to take off."
"She explained that since she is paying for the shower, she should be able to invite who she wants."
"Side note: I did not want her or anyone to pay for the shower for this exact reason."
"I said that the people who I took off from her list are people who I haven't heard from in a decade."
"She said my milestones are her milestones; therefore, she should be able to celebrate with whoever she wants."
"She said if there is room for 60, she should be able to invite 20."
"I told her it's my baby shower, not hers."
"Needless to say, we never came to an understanding."
"She just accused me of being inconsiderate of her, and I left the restaurant crying."
"It's hard to trust my emotions right now between all the pregnancy hormones."
"I see where she is coming from, but I only removed 2 of her people."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for reminding her mother that this was her baby shower.
Everyone thought the OP had every right to say who she did and didn't want at her baby shower, with many pointing out that it was imperative for the OP to set stronger boundaries with her, fearing things would likely get worse when the baby was born.
"NTA."
"Her paying for this, then lording it over your head is major AH mood."
"You asked nicely who could be removed. She gave you a non-answer, so you did what you had to do."
"Tell her that while you are grateful for her monetary contribution to the shower, if it means she feels entitled to something that should otherwise be about you celebrating a new member of your family, she can take her money and leave."
"Unless she wants to be surprised with less time with her grandchild due to her behavior, she should learn boundaries now."- Discount_Mithral
"NTA."
"But I would start practicing putting boundaries in place - and holding to them - before your baby arrives."
"It sounds like you've been more than understanding but also that you've tried to be firm with your Mum, then caved at the slightest pressure."
"I'm wondering if this is a pattern?"
"If it's standard in your relationship then when you start holding firm boundaries she's going to get pissed, it's what happens when someone isn't used to it."
"Having boundaries does not make you a bad person."
"Practice now, before you're vulnerable and sleep-deprived."
"If she's pushing this much already, there's potential for an absolute nightmare of inappropriate and immature behavior when baby arrives."
"Good luck!"- Upsidedown0310
"NTA."
"But give back her money and tell her that she's pushing boundaries, and if she keeps doing it, she won't be invited to things."
"You need to put your foot down it's your child, and it's about YOUR child and not about her, and she needs to accept it."- WiseConsequence4005
"NTA."
"Look."
"Your mom's about to become a grandmother, perhaps for the first time."
"She's not wrong for seeing it 'as a milestone for herself'."
"But!"
"Baby showers are not intended to celebrate soon-to-be-grandmotherhood."
"It's a celebration for the parents and their soon-to-be-baby."
"If not, what's next?"
"Soon-to-be-aunts get a say?"
"And uncles?"
"And cousins?"
"I genuinely dislike that your mother is using her funding as a way to bully you into giving in."
"However. I'm inclined to raise some."
"Weird thoughts about the party's size?"
"60 people for a baby shower is a lot."
"If you don't know some of those initial 57 of 'your list' all that well..."
"Maybe that's why your mom thought, 'Well, since she's inviting people she doesn't know particularly well either, I can do the same (since I'm paying for it anyway)?'"
"Obviously, I don't know if this is the case, and it doesn't excuse her trying to hijack your party."-Pondering-Out-Loud
"NTA."
"Her milestones are hers."
"Your milestones are yours."
"To me, her not understanding that is a HUGE problem."
"This might signal a laundry list of problems that are just coming to the surface now."
"Be inconsiderate of her."
"The baby shower is NOT ABOUT HER."
"Please put your foot down now so she is discouraged from being more selfish in the future."-BeardManMichael
"NTA."
"I didn't know she was involved in making a baby or a part of your marriage."- RebeccaMCullen
It's understandable for the OP's mother to be excited about her baby shower, as becoming a grandmother is, indeed, a significant milestone.
However, forcing several friends and family members on the OP for a day meant to celebrate her and her unborn child was presumptuous, to say the least.
One can only hope that the OP's mother's focus shifts from being about her and her concerns to her daughter so that she will be a welcome presence in her grandchild's life and history doesn't repeat itself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp