When we’re in a serious relationship, we can always hope that our closest loved ones will be supportive. When they’re not, it can be hard to be happy with how our lives are going.
Because of that, sometimes it’s easier to just not inform them of what’s going on, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
After their sister’s repeated complaints about relationship updates, Redditor laminated-papertowel decided to not directly tell her about their engagement.
But when they saw their sister’s reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they handled the situation poorly.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my sister I’m engaged and her finding out from my Instagram story?”
The OP’s sister was not supportive of their relationship.
“My sister does not and has never liked my fiance. He’s not mean or abusive or anything, she just doesn’t like him, and she is quite vocal about this.”
“Any time I tell her anything about our relationship, she tells me she doesn’t care.”
“About a month ago, she told me that she wouldn’t go to our wedding if we got married. That stung quite a bit, but I accepted it.”
The OP decided not to share any more relationship news.
“A week ago today, I got engaged, and I called a few people, texted a few people, and posted it on my Instagram story.”
“I was going to call her to tell her, but I figured she would react poorly, and I didn’t want her to ruin the joy I was feeling with any negativity.”
“Besides, as she’s told me in the past, she doesn’t care to hear about our relationship.”
The sister was furious when she found out.
“Well, she just saw on my Instagram story that we’re engaged, and now she’s texting me, all mad that she found out that way, saying that I should have told her despite her previous comments.”
“I don’t think my actions were unreasonable, but I want some of your thoughts.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the sister basically asked to not be informed.
“NTA. She said she didn’t care about your relationship so why the f**k would you share information about your relationship with her in the future?”
“The only response you should give to her being upset is, ‘Why do you care? You said you weren’t coming to the wedding anyway.'” – bluelion70
“You said, ‘a month ago she told me that she wouldn’t go to our wedding if we got married.'”
“Text her this: ‘A month ago you told me that you wouldn’t go to my wedding if we got married. Why did you think I would call you to tell you I was engaged? Less than a month ago, before I was engaged, you told me (unprompted) you wouldn’t attend my wedding and by default my engagement.'”
“I’d also add, ‘Words have meaning. I know you don’t approve of my partner or want an invite to my wedding. Out of respect, I’m not involving you in the process.'”
“NTA” – excel_pager_03
“NTA. She said she didn’t care to hear about your relationship. Engagements and weddings are for well-wishers and those that support the marriage – she is not either. Tell her you agree with her not coming to your wedding for this very reason just so she knows the invitation is not lost in the mail. Congrats!” – VioletSkyeDreams
“NTA. Your sister made it plain what she felt about your relationship. When someone says they won’t go to your wedding, they shouldn’t expect to find out about your engagement.”
“I suspect she is angry because she missed out on a special opportunity to complain again about your fiancée.” – bamf1701
Others agreed and said the sister had it coming.
“I don’t understand this growing trend of not facing up to the consequences of one’s action. Honestly, OP’s sister explicitly told her that she does not care to hear about her relationship, and yet when informed nothing, is angry about not being informed?”
“Forget about her, mate. And focus on your future.” – FandDinTrouble
“NTA. First, she doesn’t want to hear about your relationship, and now she’s mad that you didn’t call her up about the engagement? I know she’s mad about being left in the dark, but you’re not a mind reader…” – Treeflower77
“NTA, she told you not to tell her about it and you didn’t.” – tributespirits
“Lol (laughing out loud), is your sister 12? Why should you have to coddle her? She expressed distaste for your fiancé and for your future wedding. She played stupid games, she won a stupid prize. That’s on her, not on you.”
“Congrats on the engagement, hope it all goes well for you guys.” – ogCoreyStone
“NTA. She told you not to tell her about any of the relationship stuff. You did exactly that. Ask her what did she mean by her previous statements. And how would you know she wanted to know about your engagement when she has never shown any interest in you before.”
“This was a great Malicious Compliance on your part, BTW (by the way).” – Matt_2410
But a few wondered, on a different note, if the relationship was moving too fast.
“Why the rush to get married? You guys are 17/18 – there’s still so much growing to do, and I think most people are so different even in 5 years’ time. And you guys have been together for a year, online long distance.”
“I would worry for my 17-year-old siblings if this was the case. Might this be the reason that she doesn’t like your boyfriend? Not doubting he’s a good guy, but has everyone had ample time to get to know each other?”
“I don’t know your fiancé’s financial situation but you’re living in poverty (or, raised in poverty for most your life). Have you both sorted out what your living situation will be like, and realistic budgeting of expenses? I tried to budget when I was in my early 20s and there were things that I grossly underestimated or missed.”
“I do hope you’re doing well mentally, it sounds like you’ve been through some s**t. I just hope that the decisions being made are with a clear mind.” – afterglow88
The sister may have felt she was justifiably angry, but the subReddit did not agree. Rather, it seemed staying uninformed about her sibling’s love life was the ultimate goal. Expecting different results from her behavior would just be silly.