One’s actions and words evidence the mark of a good friendship.
But that’s only limited to what you see and hear and not what’s necessarily shown.
A 23-year-old found out where they stood among their perceived trio of tight friends from college days.
Her reaction to an accidental discovery led her to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
Redditor Necessary-Wall-6446 asked:
“AITA for walking out of the bridal salon when I found out my friends were making fun of me behind my back?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have two friends: Gaby and Shelly. All of us are 23, if that matters. We were roommates in college and stayed in the same city after graduation.”
“While the three of us are close, I’ve always known that Gaby and Shelly are the closest. They have a really sweet friendship.”
“Shelly is getting married. Gaby is the maid of honor and I’m one of the bridesmaids. Over the weekend, I went with Shelly so she could look at wedding dresses. Gaby was supposed to come with us but got called into work last minute.”
“I helped Shelly pick out some dresses then she went with the consultant to try them on. Shelly asked that I take pictures and videos on her phone to send to her mom and Gaby.”
“I was getting the camera ready when a text from Gaby came through. I didn’t mean to click on it and was instantly going to click back out when I saw one of my Instagram pictures in their private chat from earlier that morning.”
“Both were making fun of me for the face I was making and my outfit choice. It didn’t appear to be very good nature.”
The OP continued:
“I admit, curiosity got the best of me so I searched my name in the chat. I found multiple pictures that I, my boyfriend or my mom have posted of myself, absolutely ripping them to shreds. Ranging from selfies to posed shots to even a few baby pictures.”
“They’d also make fun of me in general in terms of the way I talked, wore my hair and the way I ate. This went back as far as I could tell, at least a year.”
“My heart broke. It all felt so juvenile and high school. While we all joke around, I would never do this to them nor have they ever even tried to instigate these types of conversations with me about the other one on one. I was in tears.”
“As someone who was bullied all through middle and high school, it just brought me back to a horrible place. I put the phone in Shelly’s purse and brought it to another employee, telling her to tell Shelly that I had to go. I drove home and had a long cry.”
“Shelly texted me by the time I made it home asking where I went. I said I was going home and we could talk later. When she did call a few hours later, she was understandably confused and hurt that I left.”
The ensuing confrontation was very telling.
“I told her what I found, explaining that I only looked further because of the initial text I accidentally saw. She went off on me for looking through her private texts and said those were none of my business.”
“She also told me I shouldn’t have left the store without saying anything. I said I didn’t want to make a scene but also knew I couldn’t fake being happy for her.”
“Shelly told me the texts were ‘all in good fun’ and clearly she loves me because I’m going to be her bridesmaid. She added that I’m only hurt because I chose to read all those texts.”
“Later on, Gaby called to tell me that I invaded Shelly’s privacy and hurt her by walking out.”
“My boyfriend and mom think I did the right thing by walking out. But obviously, they’re a little biased. I just want some unbiased looks: was I an a**hole to look through the texts and then leave?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA If I was in your place, I think I’d drop out of being in the wedding. It’s one thing to jokingly make fun of someone 1 time but seems like they have done this to you a bunch of times.”
“And it doesn’t seem like it was light-hearted. If I was you I wouldn’t feel bad about looking through those messages at all, she handed her phone to you and feels like fate took the opportunity to expose them to you for who they are.” – hereforyounot
“Not to mention the patronizing part where the bride says ‘…you know I love you because you’re my bridesmaid…’ basically belittling OPs feelings about the texts like she just needs to be reassured that she’s liked and that will solve everything. Yuck 🤢”
“I had something similar happened to me recently. I made a request that was taken as rude. The person, who I actively enjoy, responded by saying we ‘always have problems like that.’ I was very confused since I don’t recall problems, and said ‘you and I?’ very confused and kinda hurt.”
“She quickly added ‘You know you’re like my little sister, and I always have to reassure you that I love you.’ It didn’t help. I just saw clearly that she doesn’t really like me even though I like and enjoy her company. It hurts, but it happens unfortunately.”
“Stand tall OP. You are NTA. Walk away with dignity, understanding that you just aren’t compatible and wishing them well in their lives apart from yours. You WILL find folks worthy of your friendship and loyalty.” – Equivalent_Record_61
“This to me is not evidence of friendship. Maybe she needs someone to attend the dress fitting, take pictures and wait on her hand and foot. Maybe she needs someone to help her with a hundred wedding-related tasks.”
“Maybe she needs someone to plan the bachelorette trip. Maybe she needs more people to go on the bachelorette trip to help cover the bride’s costs. Maybe she needs a couple more bridesmaids to even out the numbers.”
“It sounds to me like the real reason the bride chose OP to be a bridesmaid is because she figured OP is easy to take advantage of.”
“She has shown you who she is, OP. I would drop these two entirely. You are NTA.” – __The_Kraken__
“Its classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.”
“OP is NTA. I would recommend that she decline to be a bridesmaid, as a start. I don’t know that the friendship can be saved unless they are able to admit how cruel they have been in their attitudes towards her.” – chickens_for_fun
“This ‘friendship’ SHOULD NOT be saved. Even if they apologized and admit they were cruel, why would you want to be associated with people like them? Anyway, They would undoubtedly be lying through their teeth, just so you wouldn’t drop out as a bridesmaid.”
“OP, you know bullying when you see it. This is the typical smile in your face and talk about you behind your back.”
“I’d consider taking the initiative before she spins the story. Maybe something simple to everyone in the wedding party. OP, Inform them you are dropping out after seeing malicious texts, between the two, about you and your loved ones.”
“These texts showed they were not your friends and had been going on at least a year. Then block them and anyone who sides with them.”
“Backstabbers. That’s what we called them when I was your age. Get these two knives out your back and drop them.” – TroubleImpressive955
“Yup, I had a bunch of fraternity brothers I thought were my friends.”
“There were clues that they thought ill of me like when I invited them over for dinner and they never showed up, or I invited them to FB friends when it first came out but they ignored the invites, and it all came to final point when they made fun of me when they thought I was not around.”
“From that day on, I cut them out of my life and am much happier. Live your life. Be happy. I wish you the best.” – neonam11
“NTA. You may feel bad about looking through her phone, but as far as I can tell she never apologised to you about talking behind your back, and went straight for the offensive. This doesn’t sound like a good friend, who has realised how their actions have hurt you.” – DapperExplanation77
“This. I feel like in that situation I would be horribly embarrassed if I was that friend and I would hope it would humble my smartass and I’d own up and apologize for hurting someone that I said was my friend, even if at the time of writing the texts I thought it was all in good fun.”
“Her immediately getting defensive is a real big sign that she doesn’t really GAF about OP’s feelings or perception of the things she read. Def NTA.” – Sikedelik-Skip
While the discovering moment was painful and revelatory about the authenticity of the OP’s friendship with Emily and Gaby, maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
After all, who would want to remain in a so-called friendship in which you’re the constant butt of a joke and don’t even know it?
Redditors thought the OP was not wrong for bailing out on her friend in the heat of a moment. Hopefully the OP will reevaluate the friendship or come to some sense of resolve before the wedding.