It’s fair to say that when a big life event presents itself, like a pregnancy or new job or marriage proposal, we’re going to want to share the news with the people we love.
But there is also a time and place to share that news, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor throwra_newlytaken didn’t seem to think so, as she was furious when she was asked not to announce her engagement at her sister’s wedding reception dinner and the wedding itself.
But when the family remained adamant that she hold off until after her sister’s events, the Original Poster (OP) thought her sister was turning into a bridezilla.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for getting engaged the week before my sister’s wedding?”
The OP announced her engagement right before her sister’s wedding.
“I (33 female) just got engaged to Eric (35 male) this last Tuesday.”
“My sister Ann (30 female) and her fiancé Dean (35 male) are getting married this Saturday.”
“We have an older brother named Luke (37 male).”
“I told everyone in a mass text, including Ann, that Eric proposed to me at the restaurant we went to on our first date.”
“I noticed everyone except Ann responded right away.”
“She answered the next day with congratulations. She said she was busy putting together final arrangements for her wedding. Okay, no big deal.”
Ann set up some ground rules for the OP.
“I confirmed that I would be in town this Wednesday (I live two states over).”
“However, right after that message, she sent me another one, asking that I not talk about my engagement.”
“I asked why, and she said she’s spent over a year stressing over the wedding and hasn’t seen our family in that time, so she wants it to be about her and Dean.”
“She asked that we wait until the day after to discuss my engagement.”
“I said that’s ridiculous and that we can talk about both, plus people will be asking me about my engagement, anyway, as they already know.”
“She said she expects that, but then the conversation needs to go to her because everyone is coming to celebrate her and Dean, not Eric and me.”
“But I haven’t seen our family (parents and older brother) in the same amount of time, and I want to use this time to talk about my engagement, my ring, and our own wedding plans. I’m excited and this is the only chance I’ll get to do it.”
“Ann told me it’s not about me, and ‘reminded me’ that with her rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and girl get-togethers (her bachelorette, nail appointments, etc.), she wants to talk about just her wedding and everything she’s been doing.”
“I told her not everything is about her, and I should be allowed to talk about my engagement, too.”
“I said I want her to help me plan mine since she’s just done it, and we could use this time for her to show me how to plan a wedding, but she said no, and that it’s not about me.”
The OP didn’t agree with her siblings’ concerns.
“Then our brother Luke texted me and told me I was being ridiculous because I’ve been married before.”
“However, I was 20 and did it at the courthouse. I married a military guy, and we divorced soon after, so I don’t think that should matter since I didn’t even get a real proposal or ring. We just decided to do it and my band was sterling silver with no stones.”
“I said Ann was being a bridezilla, thinking everything is about her.”
“He said she has a right to want the week of her wedding to be about her.”
“I’m not saying the wedding day can’t be about her, but she doesn’t own the days leading up to it. I want to show off my ring and talk about my wedding.”
“She hasn’t had the chance to show everyone her ring in person, either, because our family is spread out, but I think we can do that together.”
“Eric agrees that Ann is being self-centered, but Luke thinks I’m trying to steal the spotlight and encouraged me to let Ann have her moment.”
“I don’t see why we can’t do everything together.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Three Redditors theorized that this had happened before.
“I’m betting good money this isn’t the first time she’s pulled something like this, which is why the sister is being so proactive.” – apathyontheeast
“Especially with the brother actually outright accusing her of trying to steal the spotlight.” – letstrythisagain30
“OP is being awful. I’m also questioning why, out of all the times, this was when she was proposed to. RIGHT before her sister’s wedding, and then she’s pushing to make the sister’s wedding all about her.”
“I feel like OP WANTED this to happen. She WANTS to steal her sister’s thunder, and I doubt this is the first time.”
“If OP can’t see why she’s wrong in this, then everything is probably always about her.” – crystallz2000
Some stressed that the focus needed to be on Ann’s wedding, not the OP’s engagement.
“You do NOT need to use her event to discuss your engagement. If people ask, you can politely answer and then deflect the conversation back to the event at hand.”
“Also, you said, ‘I want to use this time to talk about my engagement, my ring, and our own wedding plans.'”
“You are literally saying you want to use her event that she and her partner created with her hard work to make it happen, and her money to make it happen, to talk about you and your life event.”
“WTF are you thinking?” – thirdtryisthecharm
“If OP uses Ann’s special days, her wedding prep which she worked so hard on to leverage her own stuff, then OP is one of the worst AHs on here.”
“If she chooses to go through with it the way she is, I hope Ann gets pregnant shortly before her wedding and announces it at all the events and starts talking about preparing the nursery and baby names and who the Godparents will be.”
“She is trying to steal the attention away from something so special that was so hard worked for. She doesn’t seem to get how much goes into wedding planning.”
“Once she plans her own, any rational person would feel extreme guilt for trying to take over someone else’s special planned events.” – DuckingGolden
“The first line or two of the post, I was on OP’s side, but then she kept digging herself deeper and deeper.”
“She could have just said, ‘Oh, of course we’ll just be doing normal wedding conversation at your wedding!'”
“Normal conversation like, ‘What have you been up to?’ ‘Oh, I got engaged,’ and then ‘Doesn’t my sister look so pretty today?!'”
“But OP doubled down and sounds like she wants to hijack the day, which makes her YTA.” – Difficult_Dot_8981
“It’s one thing for the family to say, ‘Hey congratulations! I hear you just got engaged!’ and for the OP to say, ‘Yeah! I’m so excited! He just proposed. Thank you!'”
“And then if there are questions about the planning to just go, ‘We have some ideas, but right now I’m here to celebrate my sister! Isn’t XYZ beautiful? She’s done such a great job planning her wedding, and I’m so over the moon for her and Dean.'”
“Her sister isn’t making a big ask. And the OP wanting to steamroll over her event by talking about how she wants her wedding to be is just insensitive and tacky.” – marigoldilocks_
“All I read is ‘ my first wedding didn’t count because I’m materialistic and care about the wedding (and ring) more than actually being married.’”
“Your sister has the right of it. SHE set up the events, SHE planned everything and SHE is likely footing bills.”
“How dare you use her like that and then claim victimhood when you’re caught out for being a terrible sibling and baby bridezilla?”
“Sit down and zip it. You will have enough chances leading up to your wedding to talk about it.”
“Your sister is in her 11th hour for the nuptials. Sorry, honey, it really is all about her right now.” – TinyGloom
Others entertained ways that Ann could commandeer the OP’s future wedding.
“‘Your wedding that you planned for a year isn’t about your wedding, it’s also about MY future wedding! Think of what a nice venue you’ve prepared for ME to talk about MY wedding with all the guests you’ve thoughtfully assembled for ME to talk about MYSELF.'”
“That’s what you sound like, ma’am. Would you want her to take over your wedding with a pregnancy announcement? No? Because it would take the focus off of you and your husband, and it would feel like she was using all your hard work as a stage for herself?”
“There’s still time to make a different choice, OP. Make the right one.” – PantsuitNation2020
“YTA. Double, triple, quadruple YTA. You are in essence hijacking her wedding and all associated events to promote your own engagement.”
“This time should be about your sister, not about you, your engagement, or ring. They have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to create memorable events to celebrate their wedding. They did not spend all this money, and have people coming from all over the country, to give you a free venue to talk about YOU AND YOUR ENGAGEMENT.”
“You are absolutely insufferable. Even if you bully your parents or others into siding with you, that only makes them a**holes too, it doesn’t make what you are doing right.”
“If you go thru with this and take attention away from her, I hope she does the same at your wedding.” – Gladtobealive2020
“Sorry but YTA. Next week is her big day that she has PAID and WORKED hard for and you’re essentially wanting to move the spotlight from her to you. That is not okay and very selfish.”
“I was in a similar position to you where I got engaged a week before my bro’s wedding and I waited several days after his wedding to tell everyone about our engagement so he and his bride could have their day uninterrupted.”
“Don’t be surprised if your sister announces she’s pregnant near your wedding day.”
“…But congratulations on the engagement, though.” – Cry_Original
“You only just got engaged and are already a bridezilla. That has to be a record.”
“How can you not be YTA when this whole post is about you and your wedding? You go so far as to say your sister needs to take the time to show you the ropes during her wedding celebrations?! Did you offer to help her or have you helped in any way?”
“Sure, talk about it with family, but in no way make your sister’s plans and celebrations about you.”
“You’re being selfish and self-centered. Funnily something you’re accusing your sister of.”
“I’d love for your sister to tell everyone she is pregnant during your wedding celebrations and to make sure to talk to everyone about it, especially those with kids for advice and such. Then you’d know what it’s like to have someone ruin your plans and your moment.”
“You need to take a big step back… This ain’t it.” – Anizziepluto
While the OP insisted that this was the perfect time to celebrate her engagement and plan her wedding, the subReddit was disgusted with how she potentially would overshadow and overthrow her sister’s special day that had been in the works for more than a year, rather than a week.