Is it wrong to exclude someone from a function just because you find them insufferable?
Or is it just a consequence of being insufferable?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) IFeelBad95 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked:
“AITA for leaving out my vegan sister-in-law out of the family BBQ?”
A brief introduction.
“My spouse and I got a house and we both have relatives living nearby, including our respective siblings and parents.”
A long backstory.
“Last year we decided to host a huge backyard BBQ party and invited friends and family.”
“However, my spouse’s sister kinda ruined it.”
“She’s a hardcore vegan, so we’ll call her ‘Erin’ (IYKYK).”
“Everything out of her mouth was something vegan-related and everyone was pretty annoyed and mostly avoided her.”
“If she wasn’t going on about ethics, it was about health.”
“She was basically shaming our older friends/relatives for not wanting to take care of their bodies.”
“She told my father that his diabetes is from eating animal fat.”
“At one point, she even left to go to the store and returned with a ridiculous amount of VEGAN frozen patties (and bread and other items) and demanded we cook them up and serve them as an option.”
“So to be nice, we cooked one pack….no one touched them.”
“She was absolutely tiresome.”
“Other than Erin, the BBQ was a hit. So we did it again this summer.”
Backstory, continued.
“When it comes to Erin, my spouse and I disagree.”
“I do not engage with her and she knows I’m not fond of her.”
“He and his parents think she is harmless, whereas my family frikkin hates her guts.”
“I did not know this until recently, but Erin got into it with one of my cousins ‘Mary’ last year who tried to be friendly with Erin since Mary used to be vegan in the past but gave it up when it made her sick.”
“Apparently Erin attacked Mary calling her ‘ignorant’ and insisted she was ‘doing it wrong'”.
Unwelcome.
“So I did not want Erin at this year’s BBQ at all.”
“But I did not want to cause any drama. I didn’t even bring this up to my spouse.”
“I knew that Erin was gonna go on vacation for a whole week this month, so as soon as she left, I set up the BBQ on the Saturday right before she’s supposed to come back (Sunday).”
“Everything went perfectly as planned.”
“However, Erin saw the photos on Facebook and was P*SSED.”
“She found out from my spouse that I chose the date so she texted me that I am evil, heartless, and a bully for leaving her out.”
“She also brought up other really personal things to attack me so I ended up blocking her. Erin has since ran to my spouse and her parents to complain constantly and won’t let it go.”
“So what could I have done differently? Was I wrong to schedule the BBQ when she was out of town?”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Confusion was prominent.
“NTA. She made the party miserable last year. It’s sort of astounding that she would WANT to go to another seared-flesh fest.”
“You managed it beautifully – you didn’t exclude her; she was simply unavailable.”
“I’m baffled that she’s so angry.” ~ pineboxwaiting
Others felt they understood perfectly.
“Erin absolutely wants to attend the barbecue.”
“How else can she not only inject her staunch views into every conversation but also harangue anyone who, due to being raised well, initially unknowingly allows her pushy & intrusive attempts at conversion?”
“She demands attention for her meal choices, and if one responds with anything shy of 100% agreement, she launches a MOAB [mother of all bombs].”
“Here is my obligatory assurance; I agree with her and everyone who makes a choice concerning their diet.”
“I do not agree with someone who looks forward to battling…not politely attempting to convert for healthy/ethical reasons…but battling like Juggernaut to get their way.”
“Eff her. Eff her right in the ear /South Park reference” ~ Flat-Succotash5369
“She’s angry because she missed a prime opportunity to put herself at the center of the story. This is narcissism.” ~ Sea_Cry_7605
Not everyone was on OP’s side.
“Gotta go with ESH on this one. Erin is obviously in the wrong here on all accounts.”
“But YTA only for inviting her to last year’s BBQ and not accommodating her with vegan patties and getting upset she “demanded” you cook it for her -“
“It’s common courtesy to have something prepared when you host a BBQ and know someone vegan Is attending” ~ FighterMaze
“YTA for being a passive-aggressive coward.” ~ Empanada_enjoyer112
“YTA.”
“I accept that she’s insufferable, but you did purposely engineer a situation to exclude her.”
“I think letting her come and telling her that if she brings up her agenda, she’ll be asked to leave, that would be a good solution.”
“But not inviting her, as insufferable as she is, does make you the a-hole in my book.”
“Also comes across like you’re trying to box her out.” ~ CptJackParo
OP returned for some added insight.
“A little more context.”
“Erin absolutely knows her behavior is annoying.”
“My mother straight up told her what we were all thinking when she made that diabetes comment to my dad.”
“Erin also does not handle criticism well.”
“If I went and told her that she was not welcome to the BBQ this year, she would do the same thing that she is doing now and complain to her parents and my spouse and likely show up to the BBQ anyway.”
“I believe planning the BBQ while she was away was the best thing to do.”
“Because she can’t prove that I did it on purpose.”
“And as far as my spouse and my other in-laws know, it was just a coincidence and not my intention at all. So no one knows I did this.”
“Except for Reddit haha.”
“Some more context.”
“I did not tell my spouse about my plan for this year’s BBQ, but he knew that I did not want her over again.”
“However, when I planned the BBQ the same week she was out of town, no one, and I mean absolutely no one asked ‘What about Erin?'”.
“Not my spouse, not any of my in-laws.”
“The only time anyone even brought her up was at the BBQ when my side of the family made private comments to me asking if she was gonna show up.”
“(My mother was ready to throw down.) Virtually everyone smiled ear to ear when I said she was out of town.”
The Consequences.
“I did not expect this to blow up the way it did.”
“And apparently, one of you knows ‘Erin’ in real life and sent her screenshots of this post asking if this was about her.”
“I feel very weirded out by it, but I understand that posting this to Reddit was a risk.”
“So Erin has been blowing up my spouse’s phone since this morning and is screaming that he should divorce me for being ‘a catalyst for hurt and deception’ and that I’m ‘a malignancy on her family that needs to be cut off'”.
“BUUUUUUT, funnily enough, after showing me her texts, my spouse turned to me and said, ‘My mom and I already knew you did it on purpose, but we didn’t want to say anything!’ So we both just had a good laugh.”
“I told my spouse that his family needs to sit her down or get an intervention or something.”
“Because going forward, I refuse to engage with Erin in person or by phone.”
“She’s their problem, not mine. He said after seeing the comments on this thread, he’s gonna back me up 100%.”
“There’s so much more I could say about why I think Erin is the way she is, but I’m sure she would appreciate it if I didn’t.”
“So, ‘Erin’, if you’re reading this, accept the reality check and know that literally everyone is sick of your sh*t.”
“And I wouldn’t comment anything if I were you because these Redditors will more than likely find out your real name and background and I don’t think you can handle that. ;)”
The OP had one last update for us.
“My MIL (Erin’s mother) recently told me that Erin was very upset. I assured her that I wouldn’t post any of her private info.”
“So a few hours ago, Erin reached out to my spouse and apologized for her behavior and for how she treated my side of the family, especially my dad.”
“We’ve decided just to go no contact for a while and let things simmer down and probably test the waters again during the holidays.”
“These are baby steps, but look to be steps in the right direction! Thank you to everyone who commented <3″
Excluding someone is never the first choice.
Kindness alone should urge communication before something as severe as exile.