Everyone needs a little privacy now and then.
And there are very few feelings worse than knowing your privacy has been invaded.
But are spouses entitled to their privacy or should they share everything with their spouse?
Redditor WeekThrowRA309 seemed to believe that she was entitled to a little privacy, but her husband disagreed, even going to rather drastic measures.
Having second thoughts on how she handled the situation, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for calling my husband out infront of my friends on planting a recording device while we were having a GNI?”
The situation the OP and her husband found themselves in initially began owing to a disagreement regarding a social gathering.
“This happened last week.
“I told my (F[emale] 26), husband (M[ale] 31), I was planning on having a girls night in (GNI) at home and he initially was like ‘No not here…get a hotel or something’.”
“I said I couldn’t afford a hotel + no need for a hotel.”
“He asked if he could join us if he’s going to allow it, but I said no, this isn’t how GNIs work.”
“He eventually agreed to let me have it and even said he’d go out so my friends could be comfortable.”
However, the OP discovered that her husband’s agreement to her girl’s night in came at a rather shocking price.
“I invited the girls over and most of them had a lot of heavy venting to do, at some point things got a bit emotionally charged and there was crying, lots of it.”
“After that we brought in the food and drinks, When I went to turn the TV on, I spotted a small device tucked on the side.”
“I took a look and found that it was actually a voice recording device.”
“I was in disbelief, I knew my husband put it in there to listen to our private talk which felt highly violating.”
“I didn’t hide it from the girls, I showed them the device, called my husband to get him to get home and confronted him right there in front of the girls.”
“The girls were shocked and my husband denied after I flipped out and called him out, then said he was feeling curious to know about what we were talking about and wanted to make sure we weren’t ‘trash’ talking him specifically.”
“The event was cut short and the girls left.”
While the party may have come to an end, the OP’s anger towards her husband was far from over.
“I kept lashing out at him for ruining the night and possibly my relationship and trust with my friends.”
“I said that not only did he violate my privacy but my friends’ as well. because they were talking about very personal stuff.”
“He argued that it was no big deal, that I should’ve let him join us if we ‘had nothing to hide’ and that this was ON THEM for opening up about private matters to begin with.”
“He went on to talk about how I humiliated him to call him out in front of my friends.”
“I told him they deserved to know who he really is after what he’s done.”
“We argued some more and he went out again.”
“We’re in conflict til today and I feel like I made a mistake calling him out like that aside from how I felt about it.”
“He claims that my friends will no longer respect him after that.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole, and did absolutely the right thing in calling her husband out.
Just about everyone found the OP’s husband’s controlling nature to be a serious red flag in their marriage.
“‘I’ll allow it’ and “‘t’s on them for opening up and sharing private info’?”
“In no world is this behavior ok.”
“He is controlling you and trying to keep you from having a support system outside of him.”
“He’s 100% in the wrong.”
“Him saying ‘if I allow it’ is a huge red flag.”
“He has no regard for you or your privacy and I would honestly look at this relationship and ask yourself if it’s worth it.”
“I don’t see this behavior ever getting better without serious intervention.”-Demented-Alpaca.
“Maybe it’s my PTSD talking, but the fact that A) he did this at all, and B) showed no remorse and tried to blame you for it, C) you are now questioning whether you need to apologize has me concerned For You.”
“Doing this at all is definitely controlling, shows he doesn’t trust you, and can potentially alienate you from your friends if you stay with him.”
“For the second part, you might want to look up an abusive tactic called DARVO because that’s what this sounds like.”
“(Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).”
“I would not advise entering couples therapy with someone who is using these types of strategies.”
“They can end up manipulating the therapist, too.”
“Personally I would strongly consider leaving (and maybe recruit some friends to help grab your most important documentation and possessions and leave ASAP).”
“It’s obviously your choice how to handle this tho, and honestly I think so far you have actually done an excellent job.”
“If you want additional support or a neutral space to process this, then therapy might be beneficial if that’s an option for you.”
“(Tho… maybe make sure there’s no way he can listen in on your therapy sessions if you’re doing them virtually).”-SomethingMeta42.
“NTA, and for a myriad of reasons.”
“Let’s just list the obvious:”
“This is a major invasion of your privacy.”
“This is a major invasion of your friends’ privacy.”
“This is (in most locations/circumstances) ILLEGAL!”
“This is creepy, controlling, and abusive.”
“This is more than just a red flag.”
“His actions are far too extreme to explain or justify, and in my opinion, are a dealbreaker.”
“No one should live the rest of their life in fear of being under constant surveillance and control by their spouse.”
“His behavior is not healthy at all.”
“In fact, it’s pretty damn terrifying.”
“NTA at all, this was completely out of line and a massive invasion of privacy.”
“Plus I’m concerned about the phrasing… ‘… if he’ll allow it..’.”
“It’s one thing for a partner to have say in guests coming over and another to be this controlling.”
“Major red flag here.”-sashaopinion.
“This is divorce levels of f*cked up.”
“If you really want to rescue this relationship, he needs to be getting therapy for his control issues.”
“Don’t think for one second that there isn’t any other technologically sketchy sh*t he helped himself to doing without you knowing.”
“Because he needs to make sure you’re not taking sh*t!”
“If my husband did this it’s grounds for divorce.”-JennaLS.
“What he did is violating and controlling.”
“The whole, ‘if you have nothing to hide…’ line is one abusers use all the time to gain access to their SOs phones/email/social media accounts.”
“My ex was this way and he also refused to let me go out with my friends without him.”
“Deep insecurity about what you might say about them, which is revealing about how they actually treat you.”
“Everyone deserves to have privacy in their relationships.”
“It doesn’t mean you’re cheating on them or trashing them.”
“Even if you did vent about him, THATS OKAY.”
“You’re allowed to do that.”
“I would have a very hard time trusting him again.”- militantrubberducky.
“This behavior is narcissistic and controlling beyond the pale.”
“So many red flags.”
“Trash the dude.”-LetThemEatHay.
“He recorded you and doesn’t think it was wrong.”
“He blames YOU.”
“That’s a hard no.”
“I would divorce him in a second.”-Melin_Lavendel_Rosa.
“NTA but you can’t expect your friends to ever want to be around him again and you should probably break things off yesterday for your own safety.”-ItchyDoggg.
While many pointed out how it wasn’t wrong for the OP to call him out in front of her friends, but rather her obligation, as he badly violated their privacy.
“It was your job to confront him in front of your friends.”
“Their privacy was violated by this asshole recording them.”
“It’s his job to apologize in front of your friends.”
“You’re right, your friends deserved to know that your husband was spying on them.”
“Now he’s pissed off because you caught him and everyone knew what he did.”
“If there was nothing wrong with what he did, he wouldn’t have had a problem with everyone finding out.”
“What are you getting out of this relationship?”
“Because this would 100 % be a complete deal breaker for me.”
“If I can’t trust my husband, he can’t be my husband.”-tuttkraftverk.
There seem to be some pretty serious trust issues in this marriage.
But that the OP’s husband thought recording her and her friends could fix them is very surprising indeed.
Here’s hoping that this incident didn’t affect the OP’s relationship with her friends, and that her husband might realize his mistake.