If we’re being honest, we all have preferences for the food we eat, and we might even be nervous about trying something new from time to time. Being an adult doesn’t necessarily change that.
But one woman was surprised to discover that some people are so adamantly against trying new foods, they’ll skip out on an event just to avoid it, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor OatmealCookieGirl found out some of her family was reluctant to attend her wedding because of her menu, she decided not to push them outside of their comfort zones.
But when they later regretted not attending, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have tried harder to convince them.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not pressuring a guest to come to my vegan wedding?”
The OP and her husband wanted their family to be comfortable at their wedding.
“In June 2019, my husband and I had our outdoor wedding.”
“We live north of my country, his family is south, quite a few hours away.”
“To help, we said that their presence was a wedding gift enough, we paid for entertainers to look after the children all day in a safe, separate area, and we booked all the venue’s rooms at our expense so they would have a place to sleep.”
The OP drew the line at having a vegan menu, however.
“The issue is, I have been vegan for over a decade and I was adamant I would have no animal products at our wedding.”
“I planned our day to be a celebration of life, so even all the flowers were ‘live,’ i.e. not cut, and are now growing in my mum’s garden.”
“My vegetarian husband agreed wholeheartedly.”
One of the OP’s family members didn’t like these plans.
“One of my husband’s close family members, although he doesn’t like her very much, refused to come because the menu was entirely vegan.”
“I didn’t push the matter, because I was not going to pay for her to eat meat (and no, she has no medical conditions).”
“Due to her not coming, her husband and other family members of her nucleus didn’t come.”
The wedding went extremely well.
“The day of the wedding was wonderful, the food was fantastic and a lot of his family was amazed at how delicious everything was, much to my immense delight.”
“My MIL (mother-in-law) was obsessed with some dishes and the head chef was kind enough to send the recipes requested.”
“A great time was had by all, and through the grapevine, my husband heard the family raved about it for months.”
“(I should note a lot of his family has issues with dairy, so being able to eat EVERYTHING made them very happy.)”
“Then the pandemic hit and family weddings with massive gatherings stopped.”
“This summer we went down to see his family, and the topic of get-togethers came up.”
“Cousins started talking about our wedding, reminiscing how everything was so quietly elegant, and then started raving about the food again.”
The family member who didn’t attend regretted it.
“The family member who didn’t come became very huffy because she feels ‘left out.'”
“Apparently, she hadn’t realized the food was going to be so good or the event so nice, and she resents that everyone had this great event that she missed.”
“Had I insisted more, and had I emphasized how amazing the food was going to be, she might have come, while now there are no such big family events taking place anymore.”
“Basically, I deprived her of a cherished family memory because I didn’t make the vegan wedding sound appealing or appetizing enough.”
The OP had mixed feelings about this.
“I didn’t say anything at the time, because had I insisted, I would have just been labeled as the ‘pushy vegan.'”
“Also, honestly, I think that if eating meat at every meal is more important than being there for my husband, then we were better off without her…”
“However now, every time our or other people’s weddings are mentioned, she makes a face and rolls her eyes a bit at me.”
“Perhaps I really should have pushed more for her presence?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the family member should be accountable for her decisions.
“Totally. And I’m vegan so this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME and it’s totally fine. I wouldn’t refuse to go to a wedding because there wouldn’t be anything I could eat, I’d just plan ahead.”
“So it’s just kind of hard to feel sympathy for people throwing a fit in the very rare, opposite situation where all the food is vegan. OP’s relative was being an entitled jerk and now wants to deflect the blame on OP for their behavior. F**k that.” – wlwimagination
“Growing up where I’m from, it was standard to be served ‘cold plates’ at weddings and similar events – literally a styrofoam plate containing a couple of slices of pre-cooked turkey, a roll of deli ham, some potato and macaroni salads, and a bread roll.”
“I don’t know if anyone particularly loved them, but it was really just something to snack at before the speeches and while chatting with the others at the table. I still consider being served any kind of hot meal at a wedding to be ‘fancy’ and certainly would never consider complaining about what exactly was on the menu.”
“And to not attend because of it?! Unreal entitlement. NTA, OP isn’t running a restaurant, they don’t have to ‘sell’ the menu to anyone.” – thesobersmidgen
“NTA, she missed out and wants you to be the bad guy rather than accept she was an adult who decided for herself, and she didn’t even consider that vegan food could be good.”
“You didn’t push her because she was an adult who decided she didn’t want to eat your food, and you’re an adult who can accept that different people are different and not stomp your feet when someone isn’t into what you’re into.”
“Other people had a good time, and she can’t allow that to pass without her input for some f**king reason. Ignore her.” – queeftheunicorn
“NTA. Nothing you did was going to change her mind. Nothing you did was going to be enough or acceptable. You were in a no-win situation.”
“She just wants to blame someone other than herself. I’m not vegan, but I eat a lot of vegan foods because they can be d**n tasty.”
“I feed them to a lot of people under the guise of them being vegetarian. Not sure why but people accept vegetarian more than vegan. There often isn’t much difference.”
“I’m not vegetarian either, I’m just mostly plant-based, flextarian if you will.”
“But you won’t win this argument. She will never admit to being at fault because she has decided that vegan is bad, and therefore you are to blame.” – DazzlingTurnover
Others said it was easy to plan ahead when attending an event with food.
“It’s not like this ridiculous cousin was going to be trapped there for all eternity, forced to only eat lettuce for the rest of her life. She could have swung through a drive-thru before and/or after if needed.” – Reasonable_Tax2446
“If I am invited to a wedding and get a heads up that I might not like what is served I plan ahead and make sure to have a big lunch before arriving, I toss a granola bar or two in my purse that I can sneak away to eat discreetly mid-event, and I plan on hitting up a drive-thru afterward.”
“Actually, even if I know the food is going to be awesome, I bring a granola bar and hit the drive-thru afterward. I don’t go to weddings to have gourmet meals. I go to celebrate people I care about taking a big step in their lives.” – NotMe739
“NTA. I have a ton of food allergies and as such cannot eat vegan. Plant-based foods cause me anaphylactic reactions. I would have packed my own little meal and eaten that or skipped food altogether if it was so important.”
“They could have accommodated themselves food-wise and chose not to.” – Lady-Athena1987
Though she clearly cared about how her family members felt, the subReddit didn’t think the bride had anything to worry about in how she handled the invitation situation.
The family member who felt left out chose not to attend, and since she was an adult, she really needed to hold herself accountable for her feelings of missing out.