Miscarriages and other forms of child loss are all too common tragedies during pregnancy, childbirth, and even the early days of parenthood.
The possibility of loss does not mean a parent should not celebrate, however, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor pregannouncement didn’t quite get that memo when they tried to give their grieving sister advice.
After seeing their sister’s reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were in the wrong.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my sister she shouldn’t have announced her pregnancy so early?”
The OP’s sister recently went through a terrible tragedy.
“My sister recently had a miscarriage at 22 weeks.”
“She had announced the pregnancy at 12 weeks.”
“I thought it was pretty early, risking the chance of jinxing it.”
“We were happy for her and now that the worst has happened, we are supporting her.”
The OP then tried to give their sister some advice.
“She has been talking about trying again, and I told her if it does happen, don’t tell us until the baby has reached viability to avoid something like this happening again.”
“She got mad at me and said it didn’t matter when she announced the pregnancy, because this could’ve happened either way.”
“I replied that while that’s true, it’s pretty common knowledge not to announce it so early because the risk of miscarriage is higher.”
The family had mixed feelings about it.
“She cursed me out and we haven’t talked since.”
“She told our mom and my other sister about it, and they agree with me, but they also think I should have had a bit more tact since she’s still grieving.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was wrong about the 12-week comment.
“The fact that she told you at 12 weeks is irrelevant to the fact that she miscarried at 22 weeks.”
“The ‘common wisdom’ is that you start telling people around the 3-month mark (12-13 weeks) because the chance of miscarriage drops off significantly in the second trimester and you are likely to start showing some time shortly after that.”
“12 weeks isn’t early, it’s ‘normal’. There are people who tell everyone the second they get a positive test at 6-8 weeks.”
“YTA for making this already terribly difficult time that much harder when your sister needed support. Where I live they do an investigation if a mother miscarries after 20 weeks because it’s considered a premature stillbirth at that point.” – Fraerie
“The stillbirth happened at 22 weeks, nearly six months. At that point you know the sex of the baby, they have all their features, and you’ve started prepping the nursery.” – LittleGreenSoldier
“Even if it was 12 days after taking the test, OP’s comment would be nasty. A miscarriage is devastating at any stage. But at 12 weeks, OP’s sister was likely narrowing down baby names and picturing a life with her child. Why even say something like this?” – Motherofbeansthecat
“No one but the people going through a pregnancy loss or child loss gets to determine what an appropriate response is from the parents or how they go about their future announcements. I hope OP’s sister has less judgemental people in her life. OP YTA.” – MomshellBelle
“Imagine going through that alone because no one knew you were even pregnant in the first place?”
“‘This is why you shouldn’t announce it! See all the people who are sad and mourning with you? Who love and support you? They wouldn’t be here if you had waited to announce it until after the baby made it to it’s 99th birthday!'”
“My fiance and I plan to hold off on telling our family when we are pregnant next so we can do some cute surprises we didn’t have the chance to do during our first pregnancy; but if not for that I know the first person after my fiance to know would be my FMIL (future mother-in-law). I’d be too excited to not share the news.”
“And if worst comes to worst, I couldn’t fathom having to reach out wanting support and telling her not only that I WAS pregnant but that I lost the baby in a single conversation. Talk about dropping a bomb (not that anyone should be ashamed or not seek help and support should this ever be your situation).”
“It’s just.. not a position I want to find myself in considering the alternative is JUST the bad news. That alone is enough to process without the huge what you were pregnant!? To process too.”
“Also, OP, 12 WEEKS IS SAFE. 22 weeks lost is considered rare typically, at least compared to the first 12. How awful can they be?” – Ellie_Loves_
Others agreed and said the OP was shaming their sister for sharing.
“YTA! This IS commonly safe. 22 weeks isn’t a miscarriage, it’s a stillbirth and much less common than before 12 weeks. So that makes your sister and mom AHs too. It’s made even worse because you didn’t even wait until she was done grieving I feel bad for your sister who suffered.” – SuspiciousMallow
“She can share whenever she wants and there’s no such thing as ‘jinxing’ it. Like, as if the outcome would have been different if she hadn’t told anyone?” – Sketcha_2000
“OP doesn’t know what they’re talking about. 12 weeks is when most people announce if they decided to wait until it was ‘safe.’ Beyond that, telling women they’re wrong for saying something earlier is just shamey BS (bulls**t).”
“Pregnancy loss doesn’t need to be some kind of horrible secret. The right time to announce a pregnancy is whenever the couple feels comfortable.” – Captain_Quoll
“And then telling her to not announce so early next time so it doesn’t happen again! OP is blaming her sister for losing her baby because she spoke some combination of words that set fate in motion?” – okfornogoodreason
“YTA for the ‘doesn’t want to jinx it’ comment. This is not 1650 and that’s a low-key way of assigning blame to the person who experienced the pregnancy loss.”
“There is no jinxing. Pregnancy loss happens and you aren’t helping anyone, or being supportive if you’re saying things to the pregnant person that plants the idea that a pregnancy loss could be their fault.” – Tired_Mama3018
The subReddit unanimously did not understand what the OP was thinking. Not only were they wrong about the viability of the pregnancy and the unlikelihood for the baby to be stillborn, but they also were not right to tell a future mother how to handle her own pregnancy announcement.