One of the nice benefits of living in a house is having a yard to relax in. You can garden, get some work done in the fresh air, or simply work on your tan.
But when considering neighbors, is there an appropriate level of attire that should be required while you're on your own property?
Redditor bikinithrowawayAITA was recently confronted by her elderly neighbors' adult daughter over this issue, so she turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if she was wrong for her behavior, asking:
"AITA for not putting on clothes in my own backyard?"
The original poster (OP) explained how she normally gets along splendidly with her neighbors.
I [28F(emale)] live next door to an older couple named Joe and Jane. They are in their 70s but extremely active, and during the warmer months Joe spends almost all of his free time outside tending his yard."
"I have a great relationship with Joe and Jane. Any time I'm out working in my yard Joe will come over and we'll chat for half an hour or more."
"I have the key to Joe & Jane's house, they have a key to mine. Basically what I'm trying to say is they're the perfect neighbors."
"I have a small courtyard in the back. The two wings of my house kind of envelope the courtyard, so usually when I sit out you can't see me from the neighboring houses."
"I love love love to sit out there and tan while I'm working or attending school online. However, I occasionally need to move in order to stay with the sun, so for a brief period of time, you can kind of see me from Joe and Karen's back yard."
But one of her neighbor's adult children was not so keen on the OP's desire to catch some rays.
"Joe and Jane have adult children and one of them, Amanda [50sF] has been coming over a lot lately."
"Yesterday as I was sitting out with a pair of shorts and a bikini top, I moved my chair slightly (so I was partially in view of them in the backyard) and soon Amanda came traipsing through my yard and approached me:"
"A: Hi, could you please not wear a bikini when my dad is working in the yard? It's not appropriate."
"Me: Oh, I'm sorry, does the bathing suit bother him? He's never mentioned anything to me about it... ?"
"A: Well no, but it bothers me. My dad is older and he shouldn't have breasts in his face when he's trying to work outside. (We have 3/4 of an acre between our houses lol.)"
"Me: You can hardly see me 99% of the time, and I think your dad is more focused on his gardening when he's out here than he is me."
"A: You 'young girls' just think that everybody wants to see your bodies. Well I've got news for you, we DON'T. Go put some clothes on! (Lmao this is a direct quote.)"
"Me: Ma'am, I'm just trying to mind my business and get some work done. If your dad has a problem, he's more than welcome to come talk to me about it, as he normally does. Until then, I'm just gonna ask you nicely to get off my property."
The OP went ahead and changed out of the bikini top, but was still miffed by the entire exchange.
"Afterwards I changed into a sports bra/moved my chair out of the sun so I was no longer visible to her. (I know that being right and being a decent human being are two different things)."
"I guess I could just put a sports bra on whenever she's over (even though I think she'd still have an issue with that & it would mess up my tan lines), but at the same time it's my property and I shouldn't have to change my behavior to suit the preferences of someone who doesn't even live here."
"TLDR: AITA for sunbathing in partial view of my neighbors, and not putting on a shirt when my neighbor's daughter (who doesn't live here) had an issue with my bathing suit?"
Redditors then weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They assured the OP that she was not doing anything wrong, and Amanda should butt out.
"NTA. From the way the title read I was fully expecting this to be total nudity."
"You were wearing a bikini and shorts. They'd see more flesh at the beach or at the local pool. Your neighbor's adult children need to mind their own business."—walnutwithteeth
"I was expecting topless at the least going into full on nude. Even if it was a bikini without shorts, the bikini is completely appropriate."
"I have a neighbor who lays out in the front yard in her bikini. I can't imagine telling her to cover up at any point in time."—Traveling_Phan
"I think we've forgotten the concept of 'look away'. So many people are so entitled that they feel the world should revolve around them and their feelings."
"From 'too tight tops' to 'too short shorts' it runs the gambit. If people just minded their own business none of this would be an issue. Puritanical views don't help things..."—WorldAsChaos
"NTA. I wouldn't have changed at all if I were you. She needs to mind her own business, you weren't bothering anyone and were barely even visible to them."—lihzee
"A bikini isn't appropriate in your own backyard?"
"NTA"—filkerdave
If the daughter is incensed by the sight of a bikini top with shorts, just imagine how she'd react at a pool or a beach.
"Yeah like I could see the argument if it was total nudity especially since local laws may weigh in on things at that point."
"But like has she ever gone to a pool? Or a beach? Or like anywhere near a beach?"
"People go into Walmart dressed like that during the summer. As long as the important bits are covered there's really no argument."—Pokabrows
"Bikinis and shorts are more than appropriate for sunbathing, on your own d*mn property."
"It's also weird as hell that she would come over and try to frame it as her dad being uncomfortable, but despite having a great relationship with her dad and mom, to the point where you guys have keys to each other's homes, he's not comfortable enough to raise the issue with you? I call bullsh*t."
"Not only are you not in view of the neighbor for the entire time, but there's pleeeeeeenty of distance between the two houses that I doubt anyone can really clearly see what you have on. But even if they could, you're on your own property."
"She doesn't live with her dad, but even if she did she's not the property owner (of either property), and if she has such an issue with it, she can stay inside, or you know, not look. NTA."—smartiesmouth
Some pointed out that the dad is probably not really the one with the issue.
"Wow. NTA at all! 'Karen' sounds like she's the one who doesn't like seeing younger women's bodies."
"You're on your own property and you're not even naked. You do you! Sounds like you get along with Karen's father just fine."—FigureEast
"I mean, you told that to his daughter, and I want to to stress, you're so very NTA BUT, do you actually think his daughter said anything to him?"
"I'm guessing no, because I'm also going out on a limb here, he doesn't have a problem, so as such, hasn't said sh*t to his daughter because, again, the only problem is his (lightly) sexist daughter."—cptspeirs
"NTA. And I'm not gonna lie, from the title I assumed you were going to say you were naked lol."
"Ain't nothing wrong with a bikini, sounds like Amanda dearest is jealous."—Kazvicious
"NTA."
"Karen sounds like she's dealing with some body image issues and is hiding behind concern for her dad as a way to vent it."—MongooseOnTheLoose42
"I'm thinking Amanda is ashamed of her body and jealous of yours. I don't think you have anything to worry about."—CraigBrew2
After receiving her feedback, the OP updated her post to agree with what folks had been saying.
"Overwhelming consensus is NTA and you guys have made me feel a lot more comfortable. Thank you."
"I'm just gonna remind myself that everyone carries around baggage and she's probably working through some issues and insecurities of her own, and try to meet her with compassion where she's at."
"So far I have not seen Amanda since she approached me so hopefully this will all blow over and not impact my relationship with Joe and Jane. But if anything further goes down I'll definitely update you all."
It certainly sounds like Amanda could also extend some compassion to the OP and mind her own business.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.