We’ve all grown up knowing families who run things a little differently than us.
Most of the time, we don’t give their different customs or behaviors much thought, as it’s their life and they can live it as they choose to.
Not everyone is quite so open-minded, however, and can’t keep their opinions to themselves.
Sometimes even going so far as to tell a family they should be doing things differently.
The Friends of Redditor Past_Cup3709 were excited to welcome a new member to their already sizable family.
Upon learning more about their process of growing their family, the original poster (OP) felt compelled to speak up and offer what she thought was valuable advice.
Advice that was not remotely appreciated by her friends.
Wondering if she overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my friend she shouldn’t have chosen her sperm donor?”
The OP explained why she felt compelled to express to her friends why she thought they made a huge mistake regarding their unborn child:
“My (30 F[emale]) friends (32 F & 32 F) are having their fourth baby.”
“Let’s call them Allison and Jenna.”
“They have three daughters already (10, 7, 5) that were birthed by Allison when she was married to her now ex husband.”
“They decided they wanted to have a fourth because Jenna would like to have another baby and carry the baby.”
“They chose to do a sperm donor through a fertility clinic.”
“It’s one of those ones where you flip through a book and pick out the donor based on your chosen criteria, like height, hair color, hobbies, etc.”
“The sperm donor they chose is a black man.”
“Allison, Jenna and all three of their daughters are fully white.”
“I told them that they made a mistake choosing that particular donor and should have chosen a white donor.”
“I told them I feel as though they are doing a disservice to their future child.”
“They will look different than all of their siblings and grow up completely away from any sort of black culture and have no black relatives.”
“They told me I was being racist and that mixed babies are cute.”
“My issue isn’t with mixed babies, my issue is that two white women chose to have a mixed baby knowing what obstacles she will face and that neither of them will be able to relate to her.”
“Yes, I know they face discrimination as lesbians but I don’t think that’s the same as what black people deal with.”
“Am I the a**hole for telling her she should’ve chosen a different sperm donor?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her friends they shouldn’t have chosen a Black sperm donor.
Most felt that the OP’s concerns were more than valid, feeling specifically choosing to welcome a mixed-raced child into an all-White family could pose many problems, pointing out that this was an entirely different matter than white couples adopting a black child that needed a home:
“NTA if they only chose the donor so they could have a mixed race baby.”
“I’m mixed black and white.”
“This is f*cking terrible.”
“My black parent was very hands-off in my cultural raising because they have their own trauma around their race, and so it took me a long time to really realize that I was black, even though I was experiencing a lot of racism in my majority white schools, communities, etc.”
“I thought I was white, hated that I didn’t look like my white parent or friends, never had any black role models to support me and be there for me to help me cope with the racism.”
“It was not good, and it’s still taking me a lot of time to accept myself for who I am as a mixed person and understand how to express my cultural identity and feel like a valid member of my ethnic communities.”
“Some of the racism I faced was from racist white women who thought that mixed babies are so cute.”
“Only cute if they have certain features and don’t look too black, of course.”
“White women would tell me to my face as a child which of my mixed features they liked and which ones they didn’t, and they thought they were complimenting me by saying so.”
“It’s a disgusting fetish that reeks of eugenics.”
“A racist fetish that harms mixed race people.”
“They’re f*cked up for that if that was their only motivation for picking that donor, and I feel terrible for their kid and the struggles they’re gonna go through.”- Emergency-Cry-784
“NTA.”
“It is unfair to purposely choose to bring a child into a world in which they will lack a connection to part of their identity growing up.”
“It is one thing to adopt a child of color in need of a home and family (although this has become controversial), but choosing to create a child who will look differently from their siblings and parents and will face different obstacles because of that, that neither parent will ever be able to comprehend, just seems so incredibly selfish and short-sighted.”
“Choosing to create them and then raise them absent of part of their cultural identity is a bizarre choice and I think it’s rooted in selfishness.”
“I’m a white lesbian.”
“If my partner were a black woman I would absolutely use a black donor, the child could more closely resemble both parents and would have that lifelong parental connection to an important part of their identity.”
“Doing so while with a white woman would seem illogical and unfair to the child.”
“A white couple is going be limited in their ability to parent a child of color.”
“And them saying that ‘mixed babies are so cute’ just sounds like they are fetishisizing them.”
“They haven’t thought this through or researched this.”
“They haven’t listened to the many people who have spoken out about these issues.”
“They are purposely choosing a more difficult path for their child because the child will be cute.”
“What kind of parent makes such a choice for their child?”- Adorable_Anxiety_164
“NTA I’m mixed (non-black) and will eventually be using a sperm donor.”
“This isn’t a good situation for the child.”
“Not to mention black men are very underrepresented in sperm banks, meaning they used vials that could have gone to black couples/individuals who are looking for or even waiting for a donor.”-zestyperiwinkle
“NTA.”
“Mixed child here, and all your points are valid.”
“Your friends are delusional.”- BothGreen7258
“NTA.”
“I’m a single mom by choice,e and in my country, you don’t get to pick the donor.”
“The doctors match you with a donor based on your features, like hair color, eye color.”
“The reason being that they want the kid to look like you as much as possible.”
“If I wanted to have a mixed-race kid, they would not allow it.”
“If the kid has a black mom and white dad, they can see why they’re mixed.”
“If there’s only one parent and the kid hardly looks like them, that could cause identity issues for them.”- crazypaws8560
“NTA.”
“You are absolutely correct.”
“Show them books on transracial adoptions and the trauma they cause.”
“I know this baby isn’t adopted, but STILL, the parts about being disconnected from your culture but being perceived as that culture by society are very relevant here.”
“Having a sperm donor dad and two lesbian moms is (unfortunately) probably hard enough for a child in the U.S. But ALSO letting a child grow up without any connection to their father AND any connection to half their racial makeup?”
“That’s so insensitive and bizarre.”
“I agree with you.”
“These women are being selfish.”- arightgoodworkman
“NTA.”
“Your opinions are entirely reasonable.”- Illustrious-Unit-636
“NTA.”
“But that phrase about mixed babies being ‘cute’ gives me the ick.”
“They have zero idea how to navigate that territory, like yes, they have both faced their own discrimination, but there are aspects of being half black that they can never understand.”
“And I’m not saying that people can’t or should have/adopt mixed kids, but something about their reasoning tells me they’re not considering the hardships they’re potentially putting this child into.”-
SufficientFlower8599
Others, however, felt the OP was way out of line for no other reason than she was shoving her nose in where it didn’t belong:
“YTA, and repeat after me: ‘THIS IS NONE OF MY GODDAMN BUSINESS’.”- Rooney_Tuesday
Offering this perspective when Jenna was already pregnant was not likely to be appreciated. One can only hope that Allison and Jenna thought about all this before making their decision.
At the end of day though, if Allison and Jenna can provide this child with all the love and attention they need, that’s ultimately all that matters.