They say opposites attract.
And indeed, sometimes people find themselves falling head over heels for someone whose interests, hobbies, and beliefs couldn't be more different from their own.
Even when it comes to standards of cleanliness.
Indeed, there are numerous couples where one couldn't care less about the growing mess they live in, and the other can't bear to leave even one dirty dish in the sink.
While most of the time, they find a way to happily co-inhabit, everyone has their limits.
Redditor Upper-Term-7185 had some non-negotiable standards when it came to cleanliness.
Something the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend sadly didn't see eye-to-eye with her.
When her boyfriend refused to compromise on one particular night, the OP felt she had no other choice but to up and leave.
Missing a planned day with her boyfriend's family as a result.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to sleep in my boyfriend's dirty bed?"
The OP explained why she found herself driving home in the middle of the night instead of spending it with her boyfriend:
"Last night I (41 F[emale]) had planned to stay the night at my boyfriend's place (39), who lives about an hour away from me."
"We went out to watch a band play, had a good time, and grabbed some food on the way back."
"My bf knows that I'm particular about the bed, and I almost always change his bedsheets when I come over, because he rarely changes them."
"Well last night, when I was going to change the bed, he wouldn't let me."
"He had a dirty, ripped up fitted sheet that wasn't even stretched over the entire mattress leaving half of it bare, and the side that was covered was full of big holes revealing the dirty mattress underneath."
"I told him there was no way I was sleeping in a bed like that and asked him to let me fix it."
"It would have taken me 3 minutes, and he didn't have to do anything."
"He said the bed was fine; turned out the lights and hopped in."
"I continued to beg him to let me put fresh sheets on and threatened to drive home but he said I was being ridiculous."
"I asked if I could get a blanket to lie on the couch and he threw a dirty stained mattress cover at me and said 'use this'."
"So I left and drove all the way home, at 2 am."
"We had planned to go to his family's the next morning, but I told him as I was leaving that I wasn't driving all the way back."
"The next morning he was calling me asking why I wasn't at his family's as planned."
"I told him I wasn't driving all the way back after having to drive home last night."
"He said I was rude for not going to his family's and is now mad me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for refusing to sleep in her boyfriend's dirty bed.
Everyone agreed that the OP did absolutely the right thing going home when her boyfriend showed such disregard for her comfort, with many agreeing that, if anything, she shouldn't have just left for the night, but left him for good:
"Any boyfriend/girlfriend who cares about their partner's comfort, would make a decent effort to provide them with a clean bed to sleep on."
"That this man expects you to sleep on a dirty mattress, with sheets that are dirty and torn, speaks quite plainly as to the level of effort he is willing to go to in order for you to be comfortable; and add to that, he is actively preventing you from making yourself comfortable even though it would cost him nothing more than a few minutes and absolutely no effort from him."
"Think about that."
"NTA."- Candid-Sense-7523
"NTA."
"And seriously reconsider being in that relationship."
"It takes absolutely no time at all to change the sheets and the fact he made such a huge deal about it is a major red flag."- adamhawley
"NTA."
"He's 39 and living like this?"
"Run."- Confident-Ladder425
"You are seriously NTAH and at his age I would dump him as he is flat out nasty and an AH."
"Then to act like that about the family thing on top says narcissist as well making it out to be your fault."
"I've dumped a girl for being nasty and didn't think twice about it and I'm not perfect myself."
"Do the same."- CaptHook67
"NTA."
"That is disgusting."
"Let him stay mad and go date someone clean."- dryadduinath
"NTA."
"Poor hygiene is a deal breaker for me."
"This would be it for me."- BasicRabbit4
"That's revolting."
"NTA."
"He clearly doesn't respect you."
"Clean sheets is the bare minimum, and he threw a dirty mattress cover at you?"
"I don't know you or your relationship and if you were my friend irl I'd be asking you some serious questions about why you're with someone who treats you like that."- princessmalena
"Eeewwww."
"Lady... you are too old to be entertaining this level of nonsense."
"Coming from a fellow 40 yo lady."
"This is something teenaged and college-aged kids do, and even that is not the norm."
"A 39 yo man acting like that is just Yuckkkk."
"Heed the very obvious red flag this man is quite literally throwing at you and dump his nasty a**."
"NTA."- Strange_Lady
"NTA."
"But uhhh... he's a whole a** THIRTY-NINE years old and sleeps on dirty, ripped sheets on a dirty mattress."
"Nobody's raggedy son is worth this nonsense."- Particular_Ring_6321
"I'm just wondering why you're with this guy?"
"He's apparently nasty."
"Wanting a decently clean bed is not 'being particular', it's called being a functional adult."
"His lack of hygiene and overall nastiness obviously bothers you."
"This is how he is, he's NOT changing, and the fact that he wouldn't even 'let' you change his sheets for him is just... something else."
"NTA."- CarrottBacon
"Your BF is a complete pig and he's trying g to deflect."
"NTA."- SuperPookypower
"Gross."
"Why would you let someone who sleeps like that every night rub up against your body?"
"NTA, but gross."- Next-Wishbone1404
"NTA."
"EVERYTHING about that would have me ending the relationship ASAP. he's 39 and sleeps like that."
"I've seen prison cells (on 60 days in) that were WAYYY cleaner then what you described and then how he threw stuff at you."
"Nope.. NOPE.. NOOOOPPE Bye dirty man."
"If thats how he keeps the place he sleeps..what does everywhere else look like?"
"What does his fridge look like?"
"Or the toliet/shower?"
"Is he Oscar from Sesame Street?"- Obvious_Huckleberry
"NTA."
"Especially because you offered ways that the situation could be resolved."
"I'd consider why he wasnt willing to consider you in that situation."- Rhetttyornot
"NTA."
"If you ever move in together know that you would be doing all of the house cleaning and chores."
"He's showing who he is."- Suitable-Park184
"NTA."
"You are within your rights to refuse to sleep in any bed that makes you uncomfortable."- Formal-Sky-495
"NTA."
"But please LEAVE THIS FILTHY MAN."
"He is 39 and sleeps on a mattress he's half-covered with a ripped fitted-sheet?"
"On top of that, he does not allow you to make the bed fresh and expect you to sleep in his dingy nest?"
"On top of this, he threw you a filthy mattress cover to use as a blanket when you wanted to sleep on the couch."
"Lady, there is no D that is that good that I would stick around in his filth."
"Do you see a future with someone who is filthy like this?"
"Do you see a future with someone who does not want to see his own flaws?"
"Do you see a future with someone who will not consider your very-normal expectations for hygiene and who doesn't even properly accommodate you sleeping on the sofa?"
"Throw this whole man back!"
"Also, he KNEW you were going to stay the night yet he did not make the bed let alone with fresh sheets?!"
"Imagine if you live with him, the standards will be EVEN LOWER."- almalauha
"NTA."
"Your request for clean bedding is completely reasonable, especially considering the state he keeps his bed in."
"It's basic hygiene to want a clean place to sleep, and it's odd that he'd rather argue than spend a few minutes to make his place comfortable for you."
"Standing your ground on not going back the next day makes sense too you made a long drive back home because of his refusal to maintain basic cleanliness."
"Maybe he'll rethink his bedding strategy before the next sleepover."- liveidddd
"NTA."
"but gurl if he's 39 and you have to beg him to be a functional and hygienic human being, you should also check your standards."- danandhercats
The behavior of the OP's boyfriend is more reminiscent of a teenager who can't be bothered than it is of a nearly 40-year-old man.
One can only assume that the OP wasn't the first person unwilling to sleep in his dirty bed.
And based on his obstinate behavior, one also has little doubt that she will be the last.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp