When we enter a new relationship, it’s meant to be full of excitement.
But some don’t appreciate what may come along with the relationship, like working long hours or children from prior relationships.
One woman came off as particularly unwelcoming on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor RoommateMovingOut planned how she wanted to use all the bedrooms in her new house, and that did not include accommodating her stepdaughter.
When she saw her boyfriend’s reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was somehow in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my BF (boyfriend) that his daughter can’t have her own room in our house?”
The OP had a good relationship with her future stepdaughter.
“So my boyfriend (30 [Male]) and I (24 [Female]) have been together for two years, and we just bought our first house together. We move in at the end of the month.”
“My boyfriend has a four-year-old daughter, ‘Kate,’ from a previous relationship.”
“I love Kate with all my heart. She lives with my BF’s ex and comes to visit us for short stays and sleepovers, more often in the summertime.”
“Our new house is about a 30-minute drive from Kate’s mom’s house.”
“It has three bedrooms: a master bedroom and two smaller bedrooms. We are converting one of the rooms to be an office for my BF and me to work from. That leaves just one spare bedroom.”
But the OP’s actions didn’t quite portray that in her new house.
“Kate was really nervous about us moving so far away, and my BF has reassured her that she will still get to visit all the time – and she will have her own bedroom waiting for her whenever she wants.”
“My issue with this is that I don’t want Kate to treat the only spare bedroom as her personal bedroom.”
“Rather, I want it to be thought of as a ‘guest’ bedroom.”
“Of course, Kate can stay there whenever she wants to. This isn’t part of the debate, I want her to feel welcome all the time.”
“But I don’t want it to be only her room. I don’t want it to be filled with her toys and clothes, so nobody else feels comfortable sleeping in there.”
“I don’t think it’s fair that a room is reserved for someone who is not there 90% of the time.”
“In addition, my BF and I are planning to have a child of our own, and I want to make sure that when that happens, we will have space for them to live.”
“I can only imagine the circus in a few years if we have to tell Kate we are taking away her room to give to her new sibling.”
“That’s why I want to set expectations now – that Kate is always welcome, but she will be welcome as a ‘guest.'”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t agree, however.
“My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable, that Kate needs her own room for stability, especially as she feels we are moving away from her.”
“He says we can keep a pull-out sofa in our office for guests to stay on, and call the spare room ‘Kate’s room.'”
“I still don’t think it’s fair to have a room just for Kate when she won’t use it very often.”
“And I think it’s reasonable to be worried at the prospect of eventually giving Kate’s room away to a future child.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reminded the OP that children should come before a spare room.
“Desks would go in our living room before I would make my child not have a room. She’s being ridiculous. A pull-out couch in the office is just fine. I don’t have a dedicated guest room.”
“If we have guests we move my daughter’s bed into my son’s room (They both have twins), and the guest gets one of those taller air mattresses. If it became an issue where my daughter doesn’t want to move, then they get air mattress in the living room or a hotel.”
“Also, she’s already planning to treat her bio kids better than her bf’s daughter! What if something happens and he gets full custody. Honestly, they should have not bought a house just dating and she should realize all this.” – shortasalways
“There are two things that happen on home renovation shows that make me rage. One is replacing a fully functional thing solely because it is ‘dated.’ The other is, ‘I need a dedicated guest space.'”
“I didn’t fully absorb this until my mid-30s but nobody needs a dedicated guest space. Unless you host someone every freaking month, you don’t need it. Guest space can share with something else.”
“OP is further the AH for being willing to convert that space when SHE has a kid. What will Kate do then? Sleep in the living room? OP, YTA.” – Western_Compote_4461
Others said the boyfriend should break up with the OP immediately.
“YTA. I am not surprised that you didn’t discuss this beforehand because it would be obvious to anyone with a heart that a FOUR-YEAR-OLD is not a guest in her father’s house. It is her other home. Of course, she gets a room there.”
“Seriously, you should go apologize profusely to your boyfriend and his daughter, if you have already spoken to her about this.” – android_queen
“Honestly, what stood out to me more than that was that she’s more concerned with possible guests feeling comfortable staying there than she is with her boyfriend’s daughter being comfortable.”
“Who the f**k does this chick think she is? If I were her boyfriend, I’d back out of this sale before it’s too late and dump her.” – uhimamouseduh
Some felt so terrible for the 4-year-old girl.
“That child should never, ever feel secondary to her half-siblings. She’s a member of their family, not a pet. If you have another baby and don’t have room, you either share bedrooms or you find a bigger place, same as you would for non-step children.”
“This would be the case even if the daughter were a teenager and could understand it better—it’s more about showing the kid that they’re valued and loved in your home.”
“Not only is it an asshole move to the daughter, but to her boyfriend. To have such little regard for his daughter? To possibly put his relationship with her in jeopardy?”
“Jesus Christ. You don’t want a stepchild and aren’t prepared to love one like your own, don’t date people with children.”
“Good parents always do what they can to make their house feel like home. I’m an adult, and my parents don’t even make me feel like a guest when I come over. Can’t imagine being treated like a guest at only 4.” – Plane_Bandicoot
“How was this not discussed prior to purchasing real estate?”
“OP, YOU MARRIED A MAN WITH A MINOR CHILD. She should not be a GUEST. Your home should feel as much like her home as her mother’s house does.”
“You saying that you want her to think of herself as a guest is horrific and sets you up as the evil stepmother.”
“So much YTA.” – Apprehensive-Jelly42
The OP was certain that her plan was a sensible one, but the subReddit did not agree. This four-year-old was her child, as well, because of her relationship, and she needed to behave as such. Plus, prioritizing a guest room or office before a human being is hardly a good look.