No two people have the same comfort level when it comes to either showing or receiving affection.
Some have no trouble showing public displays of affection, or “PDA” as it is commonly known, while others not only hate receiving or giving PDA but even hate witnessing it.
For most people, however, it’s not so much the idea of publicly showing affection that is off-putting but rather how it’s done.
Redditor Downtown_Phrase_2457 recently found themselves at odds with her fiancée about how her soon-to-be in-laws would show affection towards their future children.
The original poster (OP) flatly informed her fiancée that one form of affection between her in-laws and children would be non-negotiable.
An ultimatum the OP’s fiancé flatly refused to accept, as this was how his parents showed their affection towards him for his entire life.
Wondering if she was being unreasonable with her demand, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not letting my in-laws to kiss our child on the lips even when my fiancé is ok with it?”
The OP explained why she felt an ultimatum was necessary to lay down regarding her future in-laws and her unborn children:
“I (23 F[emale]) and my fiancé (27 M[ale]) have recently had this huge argument about whether letting his parents kiss our future child or not on the lips.”
“I am completely against it because I always find it weird just seeing it happen to their other grandchildren.”
“But my fiancé is saying that his parents giving our child a kiss on the lips is non-negotiable.”
“I told him they can kiss the child’s head or cheek to show affection but not the lips because it makes me uncomfortable.”
“He says I lacked love and affection from my parents because they never did that to me as a child, but his parents did that to him and his siblings growing up, so he was given more affection as a child than I.”
“He said if I disagreed, then he would just let his parents do it without my consent, especially if I’m not present.”
“Hearing him say that has caused me to fear having a child with him a little now because he’d go behind my back and do it anyway.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed on on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for forbidding to allow her future in-laws to kiss her future children on the lips.
Everyone agreed that she had every right to express her reservations and discomfort with how her future in-laws showed affection, with many even urging the OP to question if marrying her fiancé is even a good idea.
“NTA.”
“But you two have no business having children together.”
“Find someone more compatible.”- Intelligent_Noise171
“Fifty percent to 80 percent of U.S. adults have oral herpes.”
“Most don’t even realize they have it.”
“And you know what else?”
“Babies are SUPER vulnerable.”
“Take a look at this post, OP: A father accidentally almost killed his daughter because he kissed her head.”
“Not her mouth – the top of her head.”
“Don’t let anyone kiss your baby’s mouth, face, or any part of their body unless they’ve been tested.”
“Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) absolutely CAN infect, blind, or kill your (future) baby.”
“NTA, don’t let their mouths anywhere near baby without recent (and frequent) tests.”-Trouble_in_Mind
“I don’t know how this can be a discussion at all. “
“‘Nonnegotiable’????”
“This is a steeeee-range argument to have right out of the gate.”
“I _HATED_ getting a kiss on the cheek when I was a kid from elderly relatives, let alone on the lips.”
“Gross.”
“Leaving aside the whole ‘why do I have to give hugs to 18 people I don’t know’ at family reunions.”
“Let kids receive the affection they are comfortable with.”
“Honestly this is really gross of him to be taking such an aggressive stance on, from go.”
“NTA.”- SoImaRedditUserNow
“NTA.”
“DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.”
“DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.”
“He has straight up told you he will ignore your feelings and do whatever he wants with your child.”
“That is an enormous red flag.”
“Aside from the complete disrespect he has demonstrated, he’s also willing to disregard health risks to his own child in order to enforce outdated customs.”
“Doctors SPECIFICALLY warn against this for babies because of how easy it is to spread disease that way, ESPECIALLY newborns under six months.”
“On top of which, his a**holish dismissal of whether or not your own family loved you just because you didn’t share his same, utterly unsanitary and ill-advised, custom is so mind-numbing my stupid as well.”
“He has shown you who he really is.”
“BELIEVE HIM.”
“Run, don’t walk, away from this AH.”- Dschingis_Khaaaaan
“Oh dear.”
“‘He says I lacked love and affection from my parents because they never did that to me as a child, but his parents did that to him and his siblings growing up, so he was given more affection as a child than 1’.”
“He is wrong about this.”
“It sounds a bit shaming.”
“And he is incorrect to equate kissing on the lips with levels of parental affection.”
“‘He said if I disagreed then he would just let his parents do it without my consent, especially if I’m not present’.”
“Not a good sign that he’d override your wishes and do what he wants regardless.”
“Also given the health concerns raised by others, which I know nothing about personally but sound like good sense.”- Objective-Dottie
“NTA.”
“I am aware that kisses on the lips might not be a romantic gesture in every culture.”
“But a strong argument against it that might persuade your partner could be: a toddler should not get used to kisses on the lips that are given from relatives/adults.”
“1)The kid might learn that kissing in the lips is as the same weight as giving a platonic hug, and they might struggle to understand how other people react to it.”
“2) Even worse, not understanding the difference between their grandparent giving them a platonic kiss and an adult who has bad intentions.”
“Some body areas should be taboo.”
“The grandparents might not accept it, nor partner.”
“But maybe the ‘I want my kid to have a clear idea of good touch vs bad touch’ could be a good argument for the latter.”- grey_hermit
“NTA.”
“You two are not compatible marriage material BTW.”- Scenarioing
“NTA.”
“But all the comments saying that they think the kissing is weird/bad/unacceptable/whatever are completely missing the point.”
“It’s normal in many cultures and completely harmless (except for newborns who don’t have an immune system yet, but that’s not the point).”
“The problem here is that you are entitled to your views on how to raise your child, and so is your fiancé.”
“Those views are unfortunately incompatible, and his willingness to go behind your back instead of trying to find common ground is a red flag that will affect more aspects of your life together.”-jimmyroseye
“NTA.”
“But I feel that your views are incompatible, and at least you found that out before you had children.”
“Personally, I grew up with grandparents kissing me on the lips, and there never seemed to be a problem.”
“My own children never had that from their grandparents, it’s always been the cheek or top of the head, it seems more appropriate with the way the world is now.”- Sh*t_Head_4000
“This man is telling you in plain english that he won’t be a good coparent.”
“Believe him, please, for the sake of your future children.”
“Everyone here is telling you all the very good reasons to not let this happen.”
“I agree with them.”
“And you, tbh.”
“What kind of person feels entitled to a child’s mouth?”
“Gross.”
“NTA.”- invisible-bug
“NTA.”
“Is the difference cultural?”
“Regardless, this is non-negotiable for either of you.”
“There is no future here.”- kipsterdude
“NTA.”
“You are right to be fearful.”
“He’s not ready to be a parent.”- mrsdonhenley2
“This is extremely creepy to me.”
“NTA.”- GirlDad2023_
“Yeah, you should be afraid.”
“He will 100% do it anyway.”
“Before you get pregnant, he will say that he agrees with you, just to get his way.”
“Soon that baby is born, he will be on his parent’s side on this.”
“NTA.”
“Also, the ‘your parents didn’t love you as much as mine because they didn’t kissed you on the lips’ – such an a**hole and manipulator behavior.”- ExpressionMundane244
Ultimately, the only person who should have an opinion on this is the unborn children, as they have the final say when it comes to consent.
However, as it will be a few years until these children can express their comfort level, the OP has a right to express her discomfort.
If her fiancé is unwilling to accept this, it’s hard not to agree with those who question whether or not going through with this wedding is a good idea.
As who knows how many other “non-negotiable” conflicts they might find themselves in down the line?