There is no better way to get back at someone than by giving them a taste of their medicine.
But… these methods aren’t always as effective as we might want them to be.
Sometimes, giving people a taste of their own medicine might also require stooping to their level.
Which, in the long run, doesn’t often do anyone any favors.
The husband of a recent Redditor was soon to be a groomsman at the wedding of a friend of his.
A friend whom the original poster (OP) held something of a grudge against.
A big enough grudge that the OP even tried to convince her husband not to partake in a fairly traditional wedding custom.
Wondering if this was an unreasonable request, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to get our friends a wedding gift?”
The OP explained why they had something of an “eye for an eye” mentality towards one of her husband’s friends:
“I (27 F[emale]) am refusing to buy our friends a wedding gift for their upcoming wedding next month.”
“My husband (29 M[ale]) and I got married in October of last year.”
“Groom in upcoming wedding was a groomsman in our wedding.”
“My husband is now a groomsman in his wedding.”
“They have been friends for 7 years and have a very low maintenance friendship; they speak semi-often and see each other a couple of times a year.”
“The bride and I are friendly but never got super close.”
“They didn’t get us a wedding gift.”
“So now, I don’t want to get them a gift for their upcoming wedding.”
“My husband thinks we should be the bigger people and still get them a gift because they probably ‘forgot’ to get us one.”
“I refuse.”
“I believe you should do to others as they do to you.”
“Match energy, as the kids say these days.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely had trouble sympathizing with the OP. They agreed she was, indeed, the a**hole for refusing to get her husband’s friend a wedding present.
Some felt that, even if the OP may have been a bit too unforgiving, they also agreed that he should not expect one in return since they did not receive a wedding present from her husband’s friend.
“NTA.”
“I would take their not having given you a gift as an indication that they possibly were financially strained at that time. Maybe the husband had spent money to be a groomsman, and that’s what they were able to do and no more.”
“I would accept that with grace (which, at least outwardly, it seems you have), and you’ve moved on.”
“I’d consider the men’s comfortable, low-maintenance friendship and then also accept that their not having given you a gift is an indication that one isn’t expected from you as that was their approach.”
“Get them a card and write a nice note wishing them the best.”- dresses_212_10028
“NTA.”
“I get it.”
“Most of my friends got married before me.”
“It was kind of hurtful that several did not bring a gift to my wedding.”
“Especially after years of my gifting for weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, kids birthday parties, etc.”
“Since then, I have reduced my budget for the same people if I bring anything at all.”- Cala1919
Others, however, felt the OP was being petty, as there could have been many reasons her husband’s friend didn’t give them a wedding present. Others pointed out that she was prioritizing making a point over her husband’s friendship.
“YTA.”
“If the question was ‘we can’t afford to give a gift after the cost of being in the wedding’ or ‘were stretched thin but love our friends, is just a card okay’ the answer would be different.”
“But you’re asking ‘is it cool to refuse to allow my new husband to give a gift he wants to give his longtime friend because I need to make a point about never spending a dollar on someone they haven’t spent on me?’”
“Keeping mental tabs about who did what for whom in an attempt to make sure your husband, out of generosity and love for his friends, never does more for a person than they did for him is a sh*tty way to live life.”
“If you can afford to give a gift and would normally give a gift, give a gift.”
“You don’t know why these people didn’t give you a gift.”
“It doesn’t hurt you to not make every relationship in your life transactional.”
“For the strength of your marriage, I highly suggest you don’t try to change your husband from a person who thinks the best of his loved ones and finds joy in celebrating them into a person who keeps a careful tally of the absolute least he must do for someone to ‘match energy’.”- Unable_Pumpkin987
“YTA.”
“Not because you’re not giving a gift, but that you’re being so spiteful and are out to settle some score in a battle the other people don’t even know they’re in.”
“They likely just think the money spent on being a groomsman was enough and don’t know that general etiquette still calls for a gift (although gifts are never a requirement. Just a nicety).”
“Especially if the men are the friends, they’re idiots about this stuff.”
“And his fiancée might have assumed he took care of it.”
“In the end, their reason doesn’t matter.”
“You’re being a b about it by being so angry about not receiving a gift from a friend.”
“Gifts are never required.”
“They’re nice gestures.”
“And think about whether you’re really [matching energy’.”
“My guess is they have no vindictive score to settle with you.”
“They are not spending energy being pissed at you and posting on Reddit about you.”
“Your energy is wayyyy overblown for this.”
“Cool your jets.”
“And try to be a kinder person.”- Traditional-Load8228
“YTA.”
“You have no idea why they didn’t get a gift.”
“Maybe they forgot.”
“Maybe they had financial trouble you don’t know about.”
“Maybe they DID get a gift and shipped it but it got lost.”
“Maybe not!”
“But the point is, you don’t know for sure.”
“However, by actively choosing not to get them a gift out of spite, you’re deliberately trying to ‘even the score’, and it’s not a classy look.”
“Matching energy is a trendy way of saying ‘f*ck everyone who isn’t as perfect as me’, and it just leaves everyone depleted and cynical, much like ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind.”- Lux_Brumalis
“As the kids say.”
“You’re 27.”
“And not a very mature 27, by the way, this post reads.”
“YTA.”- Immediate-Vanilla-45
“YTA.”
“It’s your husband’s friend, and if he wants to get them a gift, he should.”
“There’s pleasure in gift giving, and your petty grievance is robbing your husband of that pleasure.”- ejayne512
“YTA.”
“Because I reread your post, and you are downplaying his friendship to make it sound less important.”
“They are obviously close enough that they wanted each other in their weddings, but you are minimizing it so you sound entitled to your pettiness.”- kray_van_cake
“Yeah, you’re being petty and an a**.”
“YTA.”- vomputer
“Have you spoken about it to them at all?”
“Your husband ask his buddy, even just casually over a few beers?”
“It would be a real shame to keep digging this resentment trench only to find out the card got lost.”
“Or the tag fell off the gift, which you miss took for someone else’s?”
“Maybe their aunt’s house has burned down, and they needed to tighten their belt as a family and help out.”
“Have you tried communicating at all?”
“I know it’s awkward, but it would be the right thing to do.”
“And if that’s too much, consider being the bigger people and just getting something small and inexpensive like a picture frame.”
“YTA, your man is right.”
“Be bigger, or be brave and be clear with them.”
“You’ll have a small and petty life stressing over small stuff like this all the time.”- AriBanana
“YTA.”
“It’s petty and not really worth it.”
“But if he wants to get them a gift, he can organize it.”- MaxSpringPuma
“YTA.”
“Because a) it’s petty, b) you are doing to them something you think was wrong of them to do to you, but mostly c) it’s not your friendship that’s on the line here.”
“It’s your husband’s friend, not yours.”
“He gets to take a stand if he wants to, not you.”- Reddit
Wedding presents would seem a bonus point when it comes to getting married.
The biggest reward of having a wedding would be committing to the love of your life.
If someone gets fixated on one guest not giving them a wedding present, one has to wonder if they got married for the right reasons.