Making travel plans with more than two guests can be impossible.
Sometimes, the planning has to begin years in advance.
And even with an advanced set-up, everything can change or fall apart instantly.
That’s why it can be frustrating when people cause unnecessary drama.
Redditor Maki_M wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to change my bachelorette trip date and shutting down a friend’s attempts to reschedule?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m getting married this year, and my friends (a group of 16) and I have been planning my bachelorette trip.”
“To make scheduling fair, I asked everyone to send me the dates they were unavailable so I could pick a date that worked for the most people—especially since some friends are traveling from other countries.”
“After going through everyone’s responses, only one date worked for everyone.”
“So, I announced it.”
“That same day, one of my closest friends suddenly said she had been planning a trip around that time.”
“However, she had never mentioned it before, hadn’t booked flights, and was only reconsidering her dates because someone told her her destination might be crowded.”
“Since the condition for choosing my trip date was to prioritize the availability of the most people, I explained to her three separate times why that date was final.”
“Despite that, she kept trying to change it.”
“She even created another poll in our group chat to see if others could move their own important plans to accommodate her.”
“She also started privately messaging people, trying to convince them to say they could be flexible.”
“At first, I didn’t directly call her out in the chat, but after she made a second poll, I sent a general message stating that the date was already chosen and wasn’t changing.”
“Now, she’s upset and claims I embarrassed her by ‘calling her out’ instead of speaking to her privately—even though I had already tried three times.”
“I feel like she put me in a tough position, making me choose whose availability mattered more.”
“I understand she wants to be there, but I also think it was unfair for her to disregard everyone else’s plans.”
“I have no intention of changing the date, and honestly, I’m not planning to apologize because I don’t think I did anything wrong.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“It is incredibly difficult to schedule an event involving 16 people.”
“You did your best to accommodate everyone.”
“You also tried to talk to her in private.”
“She was the person who made it public by going to the group itself. NTA.” ~ Aggravating-Pain9249
“NTA. This feels more like a power play than a real need.”
“You did your best, and she needs to knock it off.”
“This isn’t about her. The trip date was chosen for the group.” ~ kingofgreenapples
“Yeah, that’s my take.”
“She wants to make OP prove that she is the most important friend by inconveniencing others.”
“NTA.” ~ Illustrious-Mango605
“Seriously! I manage schedules for several finance executives, and anytime my fellow admins and I can find time for a meeting/call that works for 3-4 senior execs, we’re happy; if we manage to get 5 or more, it’s a freakin’ miracle!”
“I’m actually impressed that OP found a date that works for 15 people.” ~ SLyndon4
“Definitely NTA!”
“You did everything you could to pick a date that worked for everyone.”
“Sometimes this is impossible, so you did what’s fair and chose a date that worked for almost everyone.”
“Your friend failed to tell you about her plans when you first asked for availability.”
“That’s on her.”
“And her plans weren’t even firm.”
“So she could adjust if she really wanted to be there.”
“She has two choices: skip the trip or adjust her not-yet-booked plans and attend.”
“Her attempts to get you to reschedule and to coerce your other friends to get you to change the dates to accommodate her are completely out of line.”
“She’s the AH here.”
“It’s unfair for everyone else invited to change plans after announcing the date.”
“Keep in mind, it’s your party, not hers.”
“The only circumstance which would justify changing the dates is if something arose that would prevent you from attending.”
“Not to be harsh, but it sounds like you should rescind her invitation altogether.” ~ Wild_Ticket1413
“NTA, it’s a nightmare organizing large groups.” ~ Appropriate_Aioli742
“This sounds like my own personal version of hell!”
“16 (probably) loosely acquainted women on a trip.”
“Nothing is going to make everyone happy.”
“Either someone is going have to do some solid organizing as far as booking meals, transportation, and activities, which will have to be very middle-of-the-road to accommodate a group this size, or it’s going to descend into chaos where nobody can agree on anything.”
“Guarantee there will be drama- I mean, there already is.”
“OP is NTA but yeesh.” ~ DrMoneybeard
“NTA. Leave it, and it should be okay.”
“If you feel you want to make sure you squash it, I would say something like…”
“’I am sorry you feel embarrassed. You asked me to change the date after it was finalized.'”
“‘I said no, you tried to get everyone to get on your side, I said please don’t, you did it again, and I called you out, in the hopes that it would end this discussion.'”
“‘Look, if you can’t come, you can’t come, but please stop trying to get everyone to change the date. I have chosen the date.'”
“‘Can this be over now?'” ~ OhmsWay-71
“This friend sounds like drama.”
“Maybe it’s better she’s not going. NTA.” ~ fallingfaster345
“NTA, you tried your best to check everyone’s availability, but she failed to mention it at the appropriate time.”
“Trying to change it afterward just makes a mess for everyone.”
“She f**ked up and should own up to it.” ~ Red-Octopus91
“NTA. She lost the right to a ‘private conversation’ when she made that poll public.”
“If she has nothing set in stone, it’s a power play, and that’s it.” ~ WiseBat
“NTA, and in fact, quite the opposite.”
“You did a meticulous and thorough job of planning.”
“You managed to come up with the only date that excluded nobody.”
“Once you announced that date, there was your ‘friend’ shouting the equivalent of ‘I didn’t mean it! That doesn’t work for me.'”
“She has since been both privately and publicly trying to sabotage the trip, and is trying to get the date moved so that somebody other than she would be unable to attend.”
“You are right not to put up with this.”
“If she has a last-minute problem with the date, the world (or the date) does not revolve around her. She only has two honorable alternatives: change her plans or decline to attend.
“Stand fast and don’t inconvenience the 15 people who did it right for the convenience of one person with either second thoughts or an attempted power play.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“Obviously NTA.”
“You did nothing wrong and your ‘friend’ would be on the way to losing that status if she were mine.”
“She’s trying to minimize the inconvenience to HERSELF while inconveniencing and annoying EVERYONE ELSE including you, the bride.”
“She’s selfish.”
“Better if she doesn’t go at all.” ~ ErinRedWolf
“If she had other plans, she should’ve told you from the beginning the minute you set the date, conveniently she has a vacation.”
“Why can’t she change her vacation time?”
“Why do you have to accommodate her?”
“It seems like she’s trying to sabotage your bachelorette party.”
“Your bachelorette party is about you, not her if she can’t come then that’s on her.”
“You shouldn’t have to accommodate her after you already set the date.”
“She’s being selfish and entitled, and she’s trying to sabotage it because she’s trying to go behind your back even though it’s your bachelorette party.” ~ Consistent-Ad3191
“NTA, you did nothing wrong, she doesn’t even have any actual plans.”
“She just wants to be difficult, don’t give in to her.”
“Say… girls this is the final date, let’s move forward in the planning phase.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, she just wants to be difficult.” ~ Prettyricky27_
“A true friend would not be making an already difficult situation (scheduling 16 people) harder.”
“She’d be disappointed but accept that she messed up and plan her next move.”
“Not stir up drama and involve everyone in her mess.”
“This is not your f**k-up, you’ve done nothing wrong.”
“If she continues to hassle you, treat her like the child she is.”
“‘For the 5th time, the date has been set. For the 6th time, I’ve already given you my answer.'”
“Rinse and repeat.”
“If you lose a friend over this, that is her decision to be a child. NTA.” ~ Majestic_Register346
“The fact that this date was originally fine for her, and after you picked it, she said it’s not good – that’s on her.”
“You are fully NTA.”
“You told her no, and she THEN still tried to get others to change it.”
“That’s so uncool.”
“I’ve been on many large group trips.”
“Ultimately, someone just needs to take charge of the plans, and people need to be flexible.”
“And while this trip is a bit different, group trips also need to allow for people to do their own thing.” ~ Fresh_Caramel8148
“The same day you pick a date, ‘friend’ suddenly remembers a forgotten and unplanned trip with no flight or hotel itinerary.”
“Okay, then she goes behind your back to torpedo your plans and get as many people not to attend your bachelorette party.”
“She’s not a friend and after her actions, it may be a good idea to disinvite her to the wedding.”
“She lowkey does not like you.”
“You know who the AH is here.”
“Not you!” ~ NextSplit2683
“NTA. But I think you should take this as a sign of things to come and get out in front of it.”
“Her behavior is egregious in my opinion.”
“I would disinvite her altogether.”
“If not, she’s going to be surly and troublesome on the trip.”
“She’s already shown that she is sneaky and disrespectful.”
“Now her demand for an apology shows she lacks insight.
“Don’t take someone like this on a trip with you and expect things to go smoothly.” ~ Unfair_Finger5531
“NTA. When she started going to other people privately, trying to undermine you behind your back, and creating not one, but two polls trying to change the date of YOUR trip, all bets were off.”
“She embarrassed herself with her behavior.”
“She can either show up on the date of the trip or she can miss it.”
“Those are the only two options she has.” ~ BeachinLife1
“NTA. It’s your bachelorette party, not hers. Everyone else can make it, and made arrangements I’m sure, so why change it because she can’t go.”
“Had she been upfront and told you about the dates, then a different time could have been selected.”
“Also, you didn’t directly call her out.”
“You made a statement about the date, which could have been directed at anybody, but she knows she’s the problem so she took it personally.” ~ marilunoel
“You are absolutely 100% wrong when you say that your ‘friend’ really wants to be at your bachelorette party.”
“She just proved that her impulse plans are more important than you.”
“She’s putting tons of effort into getting others to agree to change the date as a Smoke Screen so that you don’t realize that her impulse plans matter and you matter less.”
“Time to face this.”
“It’ll make your life easier in the short and long term.”
“She’s already creating drama, playing the victim, and, in a way, attempting to turn your friends against you.”
“She’ll continue to behave in this manner because you don’t truly matter to her.”
“You know what a real friend does, rearranges her schedule to be there.”
“She does not harass you and others to change dates or anything else.”
“I’d suggest uninviting her.”
“Her actions are not those of a friend and she will create more drama for you and your other friends.”
“By the way… reply back that in the same group cha,t you had discussed this in private with her 2 times that the date is not being changed and then behind your back she’s attempted to get others to back her in changing the date you selected.”
“Also state that since she made it very clear how important her to-be-planned vacation is, you are acknowledging and accepting her not being able to be at your bachelorette party. NTA.” ~ Outrageous-forest
“Absolutely NTA.”
“I find it really egregious that she is upset that you called her out publicly while she is the one who took the disagreement out into the public in the first place.”
“This screams of entitlement and double standards.”
“You were entitled to choose data that didn’t work for her in the first place, and nobody has to cater to her whims after the fact.” ~ Consistent-Shoe-9602
“NTA. As someone currently involved in planning two bachelor/bachelorette parties, I know how difficult they can be.”
“Especially with large numbers of people and if travel is involved.”
“You did your best to accommodate everyone so everyone could be there.”
“Your one friend is being self-centered and has poor communication skills.”
“If she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come.”
“Enjoy the time with the rest of your friends.” ~ deutschmexican15
“NTA. Remove her from the group chat.”
“Announce that she has stated that she’s unable to attend and that you will miss her and remove her from the group chat.”
“You don’t entertain any more of this nonsense.” ~ pixyfire
“NTA. Your friend was playing with fire by actively looking to sabotage your bachelorette trip.”
“Ask yourself if this is an actual person you want with you celebrating your upcoming wedding.” ~ Rancesj1988
“NTA her concepts of a plan are showing an ugly/selfish side that you should call out.”
“This drama from thin air isn’t something that a supporting friend would do.” ~ wayward_painter
“Definitely NTA.”
“If she didn’t include her planned trip in the dates of unavailability, then that’s her fault.”
“The fact that she reached out to others to convince them to change their trips for something she hadn’t even booked yet… sounds like she’s pretty self-involved.” ~ alyxmorganvo
“NTA. Wow, she put more effort into changing the date as opposed to finding a different vacation date, expect her to wear white to your wedding.”
“To quote Dr Spock, ‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.’”
“Have a wonderful wedding!!!!” ~ Kooky-Situation3059
Reddit is with you OP.
You gave your friend plenty of warning and time.
She is going to have to make a tough decision.
This is a majority rules situation.
If she’s embarrassed by her actions, that’s on her.