Punishing children is a more difficult task than it might seem.
Most parents want their children to know that even when they reprimand them, it's from a place of love.
However, they also need to make it very clear to them when they have done something wrong, and thus can't give them special treatment or go light on them.
Redditor Living-Clothes5582 thought his two daughters had a strong relationship with his second wife and their stepsister.
However, a recent incident resulted in the original poster (OP)'s stepsister all but completely losing trust in one of the OP's daughters.
Resulting in the OP needing to inflict an appropriate punishment on her.
Wondering if he was too hard on her, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not comforting my daughter after she lost her step-sister's necklace?"
The OP explained why his daughter and ex-wife did not appreciate how he handled a recent stepsibling conflict:
"I married my wife five years ago."
"I have two daughters from my first marriage, Rose (15) and Nicole (13), while my wife has Becca (16)."
"Becca's father is absent, so her grandfather played a big role in her life until he passed away a year before I met my wife. It was very hard on Becca, and though she's doing better, she still carries that loss."
"I've stepped up as a father figure, and we're very close."
"Becca has a necklace with her grandfather's wedding ring on it, gifted to her by my wife when she was 13."
"She wears it only on special occasions or when she wants to feel close to him."
"Rose and Nicole know its significance."
"Rose once asked to borrow it because she found the ring beautiful, but Becca refused, and Rose seemed to respect that."
"Last week, after Rose and Nicole returned to their mom's, Becca noticed her necklace was missing."
"She was frantic, insisting she hadn't taken it out since a dance a month ago but had seen it in her jewelry box since then."
"While searching, Nicole called, overheard the situation, and passed the phone to Rose."
"Rose hesitated but eventually admitted she had borrowed it for an upcoming date."
"I told her she needed to return it immediately and that we'd discuss how wrong it was to steal it."
"Becca calmed slightly but was still deeply upset."
"I went to my ex's house, where Rose, looking embarrassed, said she couldn't find it."
"We searched everywhere—her room, bag, my car, and her mom's house."
"I even brought her back to retrace her steps."
"When Becca saw her, she exploded in anger, calling Rose a brat and saying she'd never forgive her if it wasn't found."
"Rose was crying, looking to me, but I just told her to keep looking and hope we found it."
"Eventually, Rose thought to check under her mom's car—it was there, thankfully undamaged."
"I grabbed it and told her she was lucky."
"I grounded her, and while she kept apologizing, I told her I appreciated that and knew she felt bad, but it wasn't okay."
"She later called Becca to apologize again, but Becca said she'd never trust her again."
"We got Becca a locking jewelry box and a door lock at her request."
"My ex thinks we're being too hard on Rose and that we should have comforted her."
"She says Rose is just a teen who made a mistake."
"I disagreed, saying this wasn't a simple mistake—she knew the necklace's importance, was told not to take it, and nearly lost it."
"If it had been run over, it would've been gone forever."
"I told Rose I love her, but any more comforting would be coddling, and she needs to learn from this."
"My wife, Becca, and even Nicole agree with my approach."
"Some are asking if I think Rose did this on purpose to hurt Becca."
"I don't think so, and Becca has confirmed she doesn't believe this either."
"Even before Becca was screaming at her, Rose genuinely seemed upset and remorseful for losing it."
"She clearly felt bad."
"Doesn't make it okay in the slightest, but her story adds up."
"She has a milestone date with her boyfriend approaching and she wanted to 'look nice'."
"Still dumb as hell for her to do this, mind you, but I do believe it was genuine that she took it then accidentally lost it."
"People are asking how it was under the car."
"It's hard to explain as I didn't take pictures at the time, but it wasn't directly under the car."
"The way it was found, I believe it fell from Rose's pocket (where she said she put it), and it accidentally got kicked a bit under the car."
"The car was parked in my ex's garage."
"Given there's no lights in there, it originally blended in with the ground."
"Rose thought to check because she was checking her mom's car again (the last place she remembered having it) and was desperate and wanted to find it and decided to check under the car, where she found it."
"I understand why some people believe she maliciously took it, but even Becca has said the outfit Rose planned on wearing on her date (the date she's no longer going on because she's grounded), complimented the necklace."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not comforting Rose.
Everyone agreed that Rose needed to learn the severity of her actions, and comforting her would have lessened the impact of her lesson.
"NTA."
"'Rose hesitated but eventually admitted she had borrowed it for an upcoming date'."
"'I told her she needed to return it immediately and that we'd discuss how wrong it was to steal it'."
"Rose is more than old enough to know what she did was very wrong."
"And she compounded that by being careless with the necklace when she knew how much it meant to Becca."
"I disagreed, saying this wasn't a simple mistake—she knew the necklace's importance, was told not to take it, and nearly lost it'."
"'If it had been run over, it would've been gone forever'."
"Absolute kudos to you for the way you handled this."- Apart-Ad-6518
"Definitely NTA."
"Taking something without permission is theft."
"That's exactly what your daughter did."
"She stole something of value from her step-sister."
"You were 1000% correct in how you handled this situation."
"Hopefully, Rose learned her lesson and will not do this again."- Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA."
"I think you took a very fair but firm approach."
"And I think you've done a good job with not allowing the fact that she's your biological daughter color your feelings and just taking her side over your step-daughter's."- duke113
"NTA."
"Your daughter is lucky that necklace was found, but I would never trust her again either."
"You don't just take people stuff without their permission, especially when permission was already denied previously."
"Good on you for getting the locking jewelry box and door lock."- kipsterdude
"NTA."
"You are absolutely not being too hard on Rose."
"She coveted the necklace for some reason."
"And when she asked for it, she was told no."
"Becca had every right to refuse to loan it because it has a tremendous amount of sentimental value to her, but even if it didn't, it was entirely her decision to make."
"I have no idea what made Rose think it was okay to steal the necklace."
"This is a very worrying trait for her to have."
"Yes, I realize she is a teen still, but she is absolutely old enough to know right from wrong."
"And obviously Becca was right to refuse to lend it because Rose promptly lost it!"
"Not on purpose, but she was careless."
"The fact that her mother thinks she should be comforted rather than punished is concerning."
"That may be part of the reason why she figured it was ok to steal it."
"Has she done something similar in the past, and mom comforted her instead of punishing her?"
"She is not doing that child any favors."
"If Rose doesn't get the message that stealing is very wrong when she is still young, even though I'm sure she planned to slip it back in Becca's room before anyone noticed it was missing, she is going to end up with more than being grounded to worry about."
"Adult thieves don't start stealing as an adult, they take things as child, doing more and more, building up their confidence and technique."
"They become proud that they were able to get away with it."
"Then it could snowball into taking things from a store, just for the thrill of it."
"I wouldn't want to take that chance with my daughter."
"You only have a limited number of years to teach kids to do the right thing."
"I am not sure grounding her is enough of a punishment."
"Maybe have her write an apology letter to Becca?"
"Having to think of the wording and writing it down will reinforce it in her mind."- 77Megg77
One can only wonder how Rose would feel if the tables were turned and Becca took something of hers without permission and then lost it.
If Rose saw her stepmother coddling and comforting Becca instead of laying down the law, one can only guess that would not make her happy.
Then, too, Rose should probably know that being grounded for a week is hardly the worst punishment someone can get for stealing someone's property...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp