Punishing children is a more difficult task than it might seem.
Most parents want their children to know that even when they reprimand them, it’s from a place of love.
However, they also need to make it very clear to them when they have done something wrong, and thus can’t give them special treatment or go light on them.
Redditor Living-Clothes5582 thought his two daughters had a strong relationship with his second wife and their stepsister.
However, a recent incident resulted in the original poster (OP)’s stepsister all but completely losing trust in one of the OP’s daughters.
Resulting in the OP needing to inflict an appropriate punishment on her.
Wondering if he was too hard on her, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not comforting my daughter after she lost her step-sister’s necklace?”
The OP explained why his daughter and ex-wife did not appreciate how he handled a recent stepsibling conflict:
“I married my wife five years ago.”
“I have two daughters from my first marriage, Rose (15) and Nicole (13), while my wife has Becca (16).”
“Becca’s father is absent, so her grandfather played a big role in her life until he passed away a year before I met my wife. It was very hard on Becca, and though she’s doing better, she still carries that loss.”
“I’ve stepped up as a father figure, and we’re very close.”
“Becca has a necklace with her grandfather’s wedding ring on it, gifted to her by my wife when she was 13.”
“She wears it only on special occasions or when she wants to feel close to him.”
“Rose and Nicole know its significance.”
“Rose once asked to borrow it because she found the ring beautiful, but Becca refused, and Rose seemed to respect that.”
“Last week, after Rose and Nicole returned to their mom’s, Becca noticed her necklace was missing.”
“She was frantic, insisting she hadn’t taken it out since a dance a month ago but had seen it in her jewelry box since then.”
“While searching, Nicole called, overheard the situation, and passed the phone to Rose.”
“Rose hesitated but eventually admitted she had borrowed it for an upcoming date.”
“I told her she needed to return it immediately and that we’d discuss how wrong it was to steal it.”
“Becca calmed slightly but was still deeply upset.”
“I went to my ex’s house, where Rose, looking embarrassed, said she couldn’t find it.”
“We searched everywhere—her room, bag, my car, and her mom’s house.”
“I even brought her back to retrace her steps.”
“When Becca saw her, she exploded in anger, calling Rose a brat and saying she’d never forgive her if it wasn’t found.”
“Rose was crying, looking to me, but I just told her to keep looking and hope we found it.”
“Eventually, Rose thought to check under her mom’s car—it was there, thankfully undamaged.”
“I grabbed it and told her she was lucky.”
“I grounded her, and while she kept apologizing, I told her I appreciated that and knew she felt bad, but it wasn’t okay.”
“She later called Becca to apologize again, but Becca said she’d never trust her again.”
“We got Becca a locking jewelry box and a door lock at her request.”
“My ex thinks we’re being too hard on Rose and that we should have comforted her.”
“She says Rose is just a teen who made a mistake.”
“I disagreed, saying this wasn’t a simple mistake—she knew the necklace’s importance, was told not to take it, and nearly lost it.”
“If it had been run over, it would’ve been gone forever.”
“I told Rose I love her, but any more comforting would be coddling, and she needs to learn from this.”
“My wife, Becca, and even Nicole agree with my approach.”
“Some are asking if I think Rose did this on purpose to hurt Becca.”
“I don’t think so, and Becca has confirmed she doesn’t believe this either.”
“Even before Becca was screaming at her, Rose genuinely seemed upset and remorseful for losing it.”
“She clearly felt bad.”
“Doesn’t make it okay in the slightest, but her story adds up.”
“She has a milestone date with her boyfriend approaching and she wanted to ‘look nice’.”
“Still dumb as hell for her to do this, mind you, but I do believe it was genuine that she took it then accidentally lost it.”
“People are asking how it was under the car.”
“It’s hard to explain as I didn’t take pictures at the time, but it wasn’t directly under the car.”
“The way it was found, I believe it fell from Rose’s pocket (where she said she put it), and it accidentally got kicked a bit under the car.”
“The car was parked in my ex’s garage.”
“Given there’s no lights in there, it originally blended in with the ground.”
“Rose thought to check because she was checking her mom’s car again (the last place she remembered having it) and was desperate and wanted to find it and decided to check under the car, where she found it.”
“I understand why some people believe she maliciously took it, but even Becca has said the outfit Rose planned on wearing on her date (the date she’s no longer going on because she’s grounded), complimented the necklace.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not comforting Rose.
Everyone agreed that Rose needed to learn the severity of her actions, and comforting her would have lessened the impact of her lesson.
“NTA.”
“‘Rose hesitated but eventually admitted she had borrowed it for an upcoming date’.”
“‘I told her she needed to return it immediately and that we’d discuss how wrong it was to steal it’.”
“Rose is more than old enough to know what she did was very wrong.”
“And she compounded that by being careless with the necklace when she knew how much it meant to Becca.”
“I disagreed, saying this wasn’t a simple mistake—she knew the necklace’s importance, was told not to take it, and nearly lost it’.”
“‘If it had been run over, it would’ve been gone forever’.”
“Absolute kudos to you for the way you handled this.”- Apart-Ad-6518
“Definitely NTA.”
“Taking something without permission is theft.”
“That’s exactly what your daughter did.”
“She stole something of value from her step-sister.”
“You were 1000% correct in how you handled this situation.”
“Hopefully, Rose learned her lesson and will not do this again.”- Wild_Ticket1413
“NTA.”
“I think you took a very fair but firm approach.”
“And I think you’ve done a good job with not allowing the fact that she’s your biological daughter color your feelings and just taking her side over your step-daughter’s.”- duke113
“NTA.”
“Your daughter is lucky that necklace was found, but I would never trust her again either.”
“You don’t just take people stuff without their permission, especially when permission was already denied previously.”
“Good on you for getting the locking jewelry box and door lock.”- kipsterdude
“NTA.”
“You are absolutely not being too hard on Rose.”
“She coveted the necklace for some reason.”
“And when she asked for it, she was told no.”
“Becca had every right to refuse to loan it because it has a tremendous amount of sentimental value to her, but even if it didn’t, it was entirely her decision to make.”
“I have no idea what made Rose think it was okay to steal the necklace.”
“This is a very worrying trait for her to have.”
“Yes, I realize she is a teen still, but she is absolutely old enough to know right from wrong.”
“And obviously Becca was right to refuse to lend it because Rose promptly lost it!”
“Not on purpose, but she was careless.”
“The fact that her mother thinks she should be comforted rather than punished is concerning.”
“That may be part of the reason why she figured it was ok to steal it.”
“Has she done something similar in the past, and mom comforted her instead of punishing her?”
“She is not doing that child any favors.”
“If Rose doesn’t get the message that stealing is very wrong when she is still young, even though I’m sure she planned to slip it back in Becca’s room before anyone noticed it was missing, she is going to end up with more than being grounded to worry about.”
“Adult thieves don’t start stealing as an adult, they take things as child, doing more and more, building up their confidence and technique.”
“They become proud that they were able to get away with it.”
“Then it could snowball into taking things from a store, just for the thrill of it.”
“I wouldn’t want to take that chance with my daughter.”
“You only have a limited number of years to teach kids to do the right thing.”
“I am not sure grounding her is enough of a punishment.”
“Maybe have her write an apology letter to Becca?”
“Having to think of the wording and writing it down will reinforce it in her mind.”- 77Megg77
One can only wonder how Rose would feel if the tables were turned and Becca took something of hers without permission and then lost it.
If Rose saw her stepmother coddling and comforting Becca instead of laying down the law, one can only guess that would not make her happy.
Then, too, Rose should probably know that being grounded for a week is hardly the worst punishment someone can get for stealing someone’s property…