A benchmark of a successful relationship is compromise.
Often, each partner will need to make a sacrifice of some sort in order to keep their relationship afloat.
But are there some sacrifices which are beyond the pale?
Redditor catroxsteady certainly thought so when her significant other (SO) asked her to make a sizable change to her physical appearance.
Concerned she may have overreacted—and at the suggestion of her SO—the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to cut my hair for my SO?”
The OP first gave readers some insight into her relationship and a common conversation trend she shares with her SO.
“First time poster, but I read these all the time.”
I” (20s F[emale]) have really long hair.”
“Like to my knees long.”
“And I haven’t cut it in over decade, I’ve been growing it most of my life.”
“My SO(20s M[ale]) who I’ve been with for several years likes to pose these stupid hypotheticals all the time.”
“Most of the time its little stuff, like would you stay with me if I got fat or whatever.”
However, one recent hypothetical seemed like a bit more of a request, leading to some apparent tension.
“Last night though, his hypothetical question was ‘Would you cut your hair off for me?’.”
“I answered no, and that would be a terrible thing of him to ever ask of me.”
“I explained that you should never ask an SO to change any part of their appearance or self image.”
“I went on to say that my hair is not just a style, it’s a big part of my life.”
“He argued that something like hair shouldn’t make up a person’s identity and that it shouldn’t be a big deal to cut it off.”
“He himself has a hair style that is unique and is proud of it and I told him that I would never ask him to cut off his hair or change anything about his appearance, why would he ask that of me?”
“He said ‘It would mean that you’re willing to sacrifice anything for me’.”
“And while I do love my SO and would be willing to make sacrifices of a different nature for him, I would not be willing to sacrifice a part of myself.”
“And I reiterated that is not something you should ever ask of an SO.”
“He told me to post on here so you guys can all tell me what an AH I am.”
“I don’t feel like AITA, or that I am wrong about this but that’s why I’m here; “
“AITA for not agreeing to cut off my hair?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they felt the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
There was a fairly unanimous consensus the OP was not the a**hole in refusing to cut her hair.
Several Redditors agreed the behavior of the OP’s SO was worrisome and the OP should reevaluate her relationship.
“NTA, and here’s the response ‘it’s not that I would choose my hair over you, it’s that I would not want to be with anyone who felt they had the right to ask me to cut my hair.'” -Old-Advice-5685.
“Knee-length hair solidarity (though I periodically cut mine short, bleach and dye it).”
“You’re NTA.”
“But oh, OP’s SO?”
“You’re reading this, right, so we get to address you directly?”
“I understand that you might be a basically decent dude, but you’re doing a very stupid thing here.”
“I think it’s probably largely from a place of ignorance rather than malice, but that’s not an excuse which goes very far.”
“Please add to your considerations:”
“Men are not considered, socially, to have their bodies belong to the viewer.”
“Women are.”
“Women are constantly fielding comments on their appearance, their choices, their physique, from strangers and family and loved ones.”
“Look at you, adding to it.”
“Your physical autonomy is probably not under consistent attack.”
“OP’s is, by dint of her gender.”
“‘Would you cut off a part of yourself for me’ is a bad, ill-natured question.”
“You don’t WANT a partner who would do ANYTHING for you.”
“You’re young enough yet that you might not have learned that, but you want a partner with principles, and the thing about principles is that they have to start with the self.”
“If you were the sort of person who told her to cut her hair, you’d be a shit person.”
“If you were a shit person, she shouldn’t do anything for you.”
“It’s recursive, see?”
“There are some things, the asking of which makes you a bad person.”
“‘Cut your hair for me’ would be one of those.”
“And it would make her a weaker, self-destructive person to entertain the notion.”
“Seriously though, stop posing questions and then starting arguments over them.”
“That’s a great way to corrode your relationships.” – RememberKoomValley
“NTA.”
“He’s been a manipulative a**hat.”
“He shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t want the answer to, even as a hypothetical.”
“There is no reason to expect you would do ANYTHING for him.”
“That’s absurd and immature.”
“The only reason in the context to ask you to cut your hair is as a control thing or a test.”
“That’s either manipulative, immature, or both.”- thirdtryisthecharm
“NTA.”
“It was a foolish hypothetical.”
“If a SO asks you to ‘prove yourself’ by pointlessly sacrificing something you care about, you should dump them immediately.”
“Because they’ve proved they don’t care about you.”-Moggetti.
“NTA you are correct, it is not a healthy ‘sacrifice’ to change a part of your identity or appearance to please a partner.”
“If you got joy out of cutting your hair for yourself AND he liked it, that would be healthy.”
“Asking you to sacrifice something to prove you love him is super duper [red flag’ zone.”- MagicMauiWowee
However, upon reading multiple responses expressing concern about her relationship, even suggesting she end it, the OP posted an update to her original post, clarifying the issue was resolved and she is quite happy in her relationship.
“Adding on to this because even hours later I’m getting a ton of responses.”
“I would like to add that we resolved this because it was a stupid fight.”
“Our hypotheticals are usually fun and I got defensive because it was a sensitive topic for me.”
“He got defensive because he is stubborn (like me) and didn’t want to be wrong and said some stupid stuff while trying to prove a point.”
“He would NEVER actually ask me to cut off my hair, he loves it and even helps me with the maintenance of having such long hair.”
“I’m not with a psychopath and he wouldn’t cut it in my sleep like some have suggested.”
“I should have known that posting on here I would get a ton of ‘red flags! breakup!’ comments but I’m not going to leave a relationship over something as stupid as this.”
“In the future, I will respond with a more lighthearted response.”
“I know that my sensitivity of the topic generated a response that became serious and no longer hypothetical.”
“I can see that when I reread my post.”
“I feel like I didn’t include enough of the conversation and it made my SO seem insecure and needy, when that is not the case at all.”
“So, that being said, I am never going to spend this much energy on hypotheticals ever again.”
One can only be grateful this all seems to be water under the bridge for the OP and her relationship remains strong.
And one hopes her SO will be more considerate with the topics of his hypotheticals going forward.