All parents want their children to one day grow up and fall in love.
Even if it doesn’t always mean they, themselves, will love the one their child falls in love with.
In some cases, parents will full-on disapprove of their child’s choice of a romantic partner.
Leading to tension, if not flat-out estrangement between parent and child.
Such was sadly the case for Redditor throwaway__123401, who moved out of her parent’s house after they disapproved of her boyfriend.
While her mother attempted to make amends shortly thereafter, the original poster (OP) still wasn’t quite ready to fully welcome her back into her life and denied a request her mother persistently made.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to tell my mom my new address?”
The OP explained how after disapproving of her boyfriend, her mother tried to make amends she was not yet ready to accept.
“I (23 F[emale]) recently moved in with my boyfriend (23 M[ale]).”
“We’ve been dating for a couple of years now, and my parents didn’t know about him.”
“This was because they would not approve for various reasons (different religion/culture/race).”
“Well, they found out.”
“Believe it or not, but my mom got suspicious and followed me, saw me with him.”
“They gave me absolute hell, and I don’t think I cried that much in years.”
“The things they said about me and my boyfriend were extremely hurtful, and I decided enough was enough.”
“My boyfriend immediately had me move in, and my sister helped.”
“It’s been a couple of months now, and my mom has cooled down.”
“My dad won’t talk to me but idgaf anymore.”
“My mom and I will have civil conversations though she hasn’t apologized yet for following me (don’t think she ever will).”
“Anyways, none of them know my address. My sister and friends do, but my parents do not.”
“They have absolutely no idea where I am.”
“And while my mom claimed not to care the first months, she’s began asking me to give her the address, so she knows I’m safe and where to look if something ever happened.”
“Thing is, I don’t want to.”
“She promises she won’t tell my dad until he cools down, but I don’t believe her.”
“I also don’t want her to come over and find more things to judge my boyfriend for, either.”
“The pros just don’t seem to outweigh the cons for me.”
“My mom’s really upset about this.”
“She keeps saying that she’s just trying to make sure her daughter is safe and that I don’t understand how scared she is.”
“She said that I’m being inconsiderate towards her and causing her a lot of stress.”
“My boyfriend said that it’s ultimately my choice, but he’d prefer that my dad doesn’t find out lol.”
“My sister doesn’t know what she’d do but said that our mom is pretty stressed.”
“I feel a little bad but again, I don’t feel it’s worth it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give her mother her new address.
Everyone agreed that after the way her mother behaved, the OP was under no obligation to give her new address, though many warned her to prepare for the very likely possibility that she might find it out on her own.
“NTA, but prepare for what you’d do if she finds out through other means because if she followed you once, she will again.”- Bonzi777
“NTA, It’s a trap!”
“Of course, it’s a trap.”
“This whole mess started when these people followed you and spied on you.”
“You escaped.”
“That’s the thing your mom and dad are most upset with now.”
“Not your safety.”
“That you are out of their reach.”- Quellecrist
“NTA.”
“But you will be if you give her that address.”
“That’s your boyfriend’s place. Your priority should be only worrying about his safety.”
“Period.”- ManufacturerAfraid93
“NTA.”
“How do you feel about using sort of Catch-22 manipulation?”
“Tell her that if anything would happen to you, your boyfriend knows their contacts and will call them.”
“If she can’t agree with that, it means she thinks that your boyfriend may be the one who will hurt you.”
“And it proves that she doesn’t accept your relationship, so you can’t trust her with your address.”- Garamon7
“Tell your mom that you’re safe as long as she and your father don’t have your address.”
“Trust your gut here, and don’t feel bad for doing so.”
“NTA.”- Heavy_Sand5228
“NTA.”
“They can reach you by phone if they ‘need’ to get in touch with you.”
“As long as you respond to them in a timely manner, even if only by text, there is no reason for them to claim to be worried.”
‘Your boyfriend took you in when you were being hatefully abused.”
“He has stated he does not want them to know.”
“Please do not betray his trust by telling them.”
“It isn’t just about your safety, but his as well.”- proud_didi
“NTA.”
“Pick up the phone and tell those people that due to their inappropriate behavior and the way they treated your BF, you will not be giving them your address.”
“Tell them to self-reflect, that they owe both of you an apology, and if they can’t do that, you wish them well and go NC.”
“They sound racist, classist, or some form of religious stupidity, so I wonder why you would even want that in your life.”- CivilSenpai69
“Your mom is in contact with you.”
“She knows you are ok.”
“She should be satisfied with that.”
“But you know she will not be. You know she will wheedle your address out of somebody, eventually.”
“Too many people know your address.”
“OP, you are very much legally an adult, and you can do what you want.”
“And if you don’t want your disapproving, overly controlling, and opinionated mom showing up on your doorstep whenever she feels like it, you will keep your address from her.”
“And grey rock her.”
“You will be happier for it.”
“NTA.”- YouthNAsia63
“NTA.”
“Is your mom a trauma surgeon?”
“First responder?”
“SWAT team coordinator?”
“How exactly does she intend to use your address to keep you safe?”
“These parents who want information, grace, spare keys, etc., that they’re not entitled to is wild.”-Brainjacker
“Your mom said you are being inconsiderate towards her?”
“This same woman who stalked you, attacked you and your boyfriend verbally?”
“Please don’t tell her, like every comment I have seen so far. This is a trap.”
“NTA, maybe it’s time to go full NC with your parents for a while.”- Rasputin-BKM
“NTA.”
“You’re an adult, yet your mum and dad acted as if you were still a kid.”
“I wouldn’t give them my address if I were in your shoes.”- DogsReadingBooks
“NTA.”
“Don’t tell them the address, and be prepared to have to move.”
“Stalking?”
“What other crimes would she be willing to commit?”- ratakat
“NTA at all.”
“Sounds like things could escalate and get out of hand quickly if your parents were ever to show up (most likely looking for trouble/confrontation).”
“If I were you, I’d tell your mom that your emergency contacts will let her know if anything were to happen and leave it at that.”
“Just be sure to have a talk with your sister to let her know how serious you are about this and that it would constitute a gross violation of your trust if she were to give your mom your address.”- jafahhhhhhhhhhhhh
“NTA.”
“Your safety is more important than your parent’s need to control you.”
“Do you really think your mother will stand up to your father when he demands your address so he can teach you a lesson.”- Irish_beast
“NTA.”
“You are a grown adult with parents who do not approve of your relationship.”
“How much of your mother ‘wanting to make sure you are safe’ is related to her bigotry?”
“What sort of emergency requires she knows your address?”
“Your sister knows your address.”
“Can’t she be in charge of coming to your home for emergencies?”
“There is no situation where your mother NEEDS to know your address.”- lostalldoubt86
“NTA.”
“I guess your Dad not knowing is to keep you safe.”
“Tell your mother that until they both change their ways, you don’t want them to know.”- MerlinBiggs
One would like to think that the OP’s mother’s contrition is genuine and has no subliminal plans for wanting her address.
Sadly, based on her earlier behavior, it’s easy to understand why the OP is hesitant to welcome her into her home.
Before that happens, it seems pretty clear that the OP’s mother needs to earn her forgiveness.