Generally, people who have an interest in getting married someday have some ideas about how their wedding day will look, like what they will wear or what their wedding cake might look like.
But most who are interested in marriage have very specific thoughts about their future rings, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor krazykupcakes99 had already talked with her future husband about the kind of engagement ring she would love to have when he proposed.
But when he took his mother’s opinions into account, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for asking for a new engagement ring?”
The OP was surprised by what happened when her fiancé proposed.
“My (25 Female) boyfriend/fiancé (27 Male) proposed to me the other day.”
“We have talked about getting married before this happened, and I have told him exactly what kind of ring I wanted, down to the shape and band.”
“When he proposed to me, the ring wasn’t anything close to what we have previously talked about.”
An argument ensued about the engagement ring.
“I accepted the proposal, of course, but last night, he brought up that his mother actually picked out the ring.”
“He asked me what I thought about it, so I told him honestly what I thought and asked if we could get a different one.”
“He got upset and told me I was being ungrateful and that I should be happy that he even got me a ring.”
“He said that his mom was the one to pick it out so I should just wear it.”
His mother lashed out at the OP, as well.
“Today, his mom called me, basically telling me that I have no taste in jewelry and that I should just go with what she said.”
“I get that he spent a lot of money on this ring, but we have talked about what I wanted before, and I’m going to be the one wearing this.”
“Am I being ungrateful for asking for a new ring?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about what this said about the fiancé’s commitment to the OP.
“Are you sure you want to marry this guy? He disregarded everything you wanted and just went with what his mom says is best, then mom even calls you to tell you why you’re wrong for wanting something different. The audacity.”
“My guess is this will be a recurring pattern. Be prepared for his mom to be the one planning your wedding for you. And choosing your children’s names. And how you’ll raise them.”
“Your fiancé needs to grow a spine and stands up for you and sets some boundaries with dear old mum. Good luck. NTA.” – ants-in-my-plants
“It’s nuts that he thinks that op is supposed to realize that her personal tastes must be wrong because it’s not what his mother would want.” – SpecialistFeeling220
“I once had a fiance who did the same. d**n. thing.”
“I told him I didn’t want a solitaire diamond because I was afraid it would catch on things, and he got furious with me because his mom and sister had solitaire engagement rings, so my having different taste was somehow insulting to them?”
“Guess what kind of ring I got? Thankfully, I came to my senses before the wedding and called it off.”
“Then he tried to threaten me with a lawsuit for ‘breach of contract’ (he was in law school), since I’d agreed to marry him and was backing out. I was well shot of him. NTA.” – Specific_Tangelo5720
“Getting a different ring shouldn’t be a big deal. Lots of jewelers have a ring exchange program to ensure the future bride is able to get the ring she wants. Some jewelers even accept rings from their competitors.”
“The fact that OPs fiance doesn’t want to exchange the ring is weird.” – Affectionate-Loon28
“I think she should give the ring back and tell her boyfriend to give it to his mother since obviously this ring is all about her and not OP and that she hopes they’ll be very happy together.”
“This reminds me of an episode of ‘Everybody loves Raymond’ where Ray and his wife Debra are having some marital discord. Talking about it in front of Ray’s parents and his brother, Ray makes a comment about someone to take care of him.”
“Debra says that’s not a wife, that’s a mother, and Ray says, ‘Maybe that’s what I want,’ and realizes one second too late what he just said and a look of horror crosses his face, except I don’t know if OP’s boyfriend would get that same look of horror.”
“NTA, but I fear you might be if you go ahead with this marriage. Go read the recent posting from a woman whose MIL moved in with them for supposedly 2 weeks and now months later, they can’t get rid of her, and her son/husband isn’t putting much effort into getting her out.”
“That could be you, OP.” – Elementary57
“OP should just go to a jeweler who will exchange the ring for the one she wants.”
“If FMIL (Future Mother-in-Law) remarks about it and her fiance doesn’t back OP up, that’ll tell her all she needs to know about where his primary loyalty lies.” – Rodney_Copperbottom
“I would go to the jeweler and ask if I could get a new fiance. He already took his stance by saying, ‘But mommy picked it for you.'”
“That ring, even if she went by herself and exchanged it, would never be a symbol of their love, to be honest. It would just be a reminder that, ‘My mommy knows best,’ and that he didn’t even decide a thing about that ring.” – Dangerous-WinterElf
Others were more concerned about the mother-in-law’s (MIL’s) involvement.
“MIL coming in hot as the top wife. OP is just the companion animal to her fiance and his mom’s marriage.” – wildferalfun
“OP has a much more important role to fulfill: Become the incubator that gives his mom (the real wife) the grandbabies she ‘deserves.'” – melympia
“She’s not going to worry about raising kids for a while. She’s going to OBSESS over the honeymoon, to make sure that it achieves its solitary objective of OP coming back pregnant.”
“OP, your MIL is the type who feels that if your first anniversary isn’t spent breastfeeding, something has gone TERRIBLY wrong.” – Docthrowaway2020
“OP. Please don’t try to think your marriage will be okay anyway. You’ll be no different than many who’ve been through this before.”
“If the MIL thinks it’s her business to tell you your taste in rings is unsatisfactory AND her son stands up for her, please run and don’t doubt your decision.”
“I was like this. The incubator for his family. First of importance, it was his family, next his friends, next even what our children wanted with just him if I wasn’t quick enough to catch him doing what I asked him to wait for me so we could do together.”
“The pattern is clear already. I think it was a gaslighting situation; I kept questioning if I was wrong to feel objectified. No way to live. I got out.”
“That last part about the children sounds weird so I’ll explain: I bought and wrapped all the Christmas presents for four children. My sister called on Christmas morning and kept talking (Maybe 10 minutes). I tried to get off the phone and was holding up a finger to ask for just a moment.”
“By the time I got into the living room, all presents were open, paper everywhere. I started yelling, ‘I’m just a pawn for your family.’ Yes, I was nuts but in shock. No respect at all.” – Solidst
“Best headline for this dynamic. ever. created. Serious talk right now, OP. Do you want these two to own you for the rest of your life? Run, while that ring is still removable.” – Maleficient_Can1946
“OP, I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of being the third wheel in your fiance’s relationship with his mom.” – HPfan94
“My husband told me that his mother wanted to ‘hold onto’ my ring after he picked it up but before it was given to me.”
“Her logic, which isn’t all that horrible on the surface, was that he lived in an apartment at the time and didn’t have a safe to keep an expensive ring in.”
“He declined her offer and kept the ring hidden in his apartment.”
“Knowing what I know now, I’m glad he didn’t let her get her hands on it. She would have ‘lost’ it or ‘damaged’ it or something.”
“He didn’t even let her see it before he gave it to me. He told her that I should be the first to see it since it was my ring.”
“NTA, OP.” – OBNurseScarlett
“Even getting the wrong ring I can forgive. Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise (still not great, but acceptable, in my opinion), but once you said you didn’t like it, he should have understood and taken you to get the ring you do want.”
“I’d ask him if he’s marrying his mother, otherwise why does her taste in jewelry matter?”
“This is very likely to become a pattern. My ex was like this. At best, it’s annoying, and at worst, it’s going to build, and MIL is going to be dictating how you raise your kids. Don’t let that happen.” – milapa6
The subReddit was concerned when they heard how the OP’s fiancé reacted to her desire for a different engagement. The fact that he took his mother’s feelings into account more than his future wife’s, quite frankly, spoke volumes.