“Never look a gift horse in the mouth!”
That is one of life’s oldest sayings.
More often than not, people can have issues with being gracious with gift-giving.
Some people feel entitled.
Others just seem to forget to say thank you.
This kind of behavior can be difficult for a gift-giver to swallow.
Not that people are meant to give gifts for self-adulation, but a little appreciation goes a long way.
Case in point…
Redditor Historical_Essay8282 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to pay for my sister’s wedding dress when she insulted my career?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 F[emale]) am a self-taught graphic designer and have worked hard to build my career.”
“My sister (25 F), on the other hand, has always been critical of my job, calling it a ‘hobby’ and not a ‘real job.'”
“Our parents passed away a few years ago, and I’ve been more of a parental figure to her since then.”
“We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’ve always tried to support her.”
“Recently, she got engaged and was over the moon about planning her wedding.”
“She found her dream dress, but it was way out of her budget.”
“Knowing I’ve saved a bit, she asked if I could pay for it as her wedding gift.”
“I agreed because I wanted her to be happy.”
“However, a few days ago, we had a family gathering where she introduced her fiancé to our extended family.”
“During the dinner, she made a snide remark about my career, implying that I was still ‘playing with my computer’ while others had real jobs.”
“I was hurt and confronted her later.”
“Things escalated, and I told her that if she didn’t respect my career, she shouldn’t expect me to fund her wedding dress with the money I earned from it.”
“She accused me of ruining her wedding and being petty.”
“I’m torn. I want to support her, but I also feel disrespected.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. It would be a lovely gesture to pay for her dress, but it’s not your responsibility.”
“It would be the type of generous gesture reserved for people who treat you with respect.”
“I would probably ask your sister something along the lines of, ‘Do you really want your wedding dress paid for with the money from my illegitimate career?'”
“‘It would be a permanent emotional stain on your dress, and I wouldn’t want you to regret that down the line.'”
“She’s not cool with what you do but wants the money you make doing it.”
“I think she’d do well to live within her means and not to bite the hand that feeds her.”
“She ruined her own wedding, and you had nothing to do with it.”
“First by thinking a dress can ruin a wedding (celebrating a union with her life partner who she loves should be the focus), and Second by the aforementioned snobbery/greed.” ~ cph311
“NTA. I’m shaking my head at how ignorant the sister is.”
“If OP has managed to carve out a decent living, she’s not just playing around with Photoshop.”
“People aren’t paying for her technical skills alone either; they’re paying for her artistic eye.”
“I can’t help but wonder if OP’s sister is jealous of her artistic talent.”
“I was an artist before an accident, and so many people would comment how they wish they were creative.”
“People can get drawn in just seeing your sketch.”
“Some almost had a sense of awe, and would talk about how fascinating it must be to see the world with an artistic mind.”
“If OP is skilled, I’m sure she’s received her fair share of compliments.”
“Jealousy could easily make her sister want to belittle her work.”
“She couldn’t even set her judgmental comments aside after OP’s generous offer.”
“She shot herself in the foot.” ~ DragonCelica
“It’s unfortunately common.”
“People disregard one’s ability to support themselves over their idea of what a title means in society.”
“There was a post a while back about a guy who was successful enough at his ‘hobby’ (woodworking I believe) that he only worked part of the year and took the rest of the time off.”
“His S[ister] I[n] L[aw] made some comments at a family dinner about how if her kids didn’t stay in school they would wind up like their uncle.”
“She got a reality check when she was informed that unbeknownst to her he had paid her husband’s entire way through college and was in the middle of building a huge house with his hobby money which is why he was presently living in a very modest home until it’s completion.” ~ Verustratego
“The word respect here is key. Well done for phrasing it so well.”
“OP did something generous for someone she loves and in return got mocked, belittled, and disrespected.”
“Obviously NTA and little sister’s inability to regroup and apologize for the way her words hurt her older sister rather than worry about her expensive dress is telling of the kind of person she is.” ~ peachandbetty
“LOL no, why are you even torn on this?”
“Imagine for a moment that you’re entitled enough to ask someone to fund an expensive frivolity you can’t afford in one breath, and then insult the means by which they would fund it in the next?”
“No, a wedding dress isn’t frivolous, but an unaffordable one is.”
“What kind of message would you be sending if you paid for something after she treated you like that?”
“Have some self-respect and tell her if she wants a dress, she can go play on her own computer for money.”
“No apology will even be genuine at this point.”
“NTA, obviously.” ~ SLJ7
“When my wife and I got married, my mom and stepdad (both were hobbyist jewelers) made our wedding rings.”
“They worked with my wife and I and our families to collect odds and end gold bits (some had meaning, some were just ‘scrap’), melted and refined it, cast the refined gold into rings and hand engraved them.”
“Very simple overall design but incredibly meaningful to us because it has something from members of both families and even several generations of family gold bits in them.”
“Way more meaning to us than several thousands of dollars of fancy store rings.”
“And OP is NTA.” ~ chudan_dorik
“OP’s only 3 years older than the sister.”
“Please stop being a parental figure to her.”
“And don’t feel compelled to do things that your parents would have done for her had they been alive. Is she doing those things for you in return?”
“Or only you get to do them coz of the 3-year age gap?”
“I’m sorry you guys lost your parents.”
“But your sister didn’t gain another parent (you) after you lost yours.”
“She still has what she had before.”
“And that is an older sibling.”
“Don’t parentify yourself.”
“Or let her do it for you.”
“NTA. And let her figure out the dress situation.”
“If she can’t afford her dream dress, she can cut back on some of her wedding costs or find a dress that fits within her budget.”
“I’m sure you originally had something else in mind when you started saving.”
“Let the savings serve their original purpose.”
“You can get her a gift from her registry that fits your budget.” ~ solo_throwaway254247
“NTA. Do not insult the person who will help you financially.”
“Your sister did so she will have to pay the price.”
“She’s not happy? Too bad, so sad.”
“If this had happened to me I would not hesitate to take action and reduce contact with her later.” ~ macross1984
“NTA. So she wants you to be her ATM and also wants to disrespect you, not just in private but in front of family and her in-laws?”
“Whatever grievance she has with you or your choice of career she first needs to learn to address it just with you, behind closed doors.”
“I’m sorry to say this but your sister is entitled and you don’t owe her anything.”
“She doesn’t like your job but she wants to spend your money from that job.”
“Yes, paying for her wedding dress would be an extraordinarily generous wedding gift but she’s not entitled to it.” ~ Sirius_z
“NTA – everybody wanna be gangsta until it’s the consequences of their actions.”
“To be honest you’re kinder than me letting it get this far and offering to pay for her dress to begin with.”
“I can tell you love her.”
“She was all too happy to disrespect you in private and in public and I suspect she’s jealous.”
“Give her nothing until her apology is as loud as her disrespect.” ~ CuriousTsukihime
“NTA. As a graphic designer, I think you should design her invitations.”
“In Microsoft Word. Using only Comic Sans and terrible clipart.”
“It’s totally fine cause graphic design isn’t a real job, right?” ~ princessawesomepants
“NTA. And I don’t get why the argument ‘you are petty’ should just stop your side of the argument.”
“Tell her ‘I love you, but I also work and have a real job.”
“So yes, I’m petty.”
“And you stop insulting my career (or apologize for the comment), and then we move forward and forget this.”
“But if you are not willing to see that I do have a job – sorry, then I’m unemployed in your eyes and don’t have any money to spend on a wedding.'” ~ Trevena_Ice
“NTA. But ask your sister if she actually has any clue what you do.”
“Show her the sort of work your job entails.”
“Especially if it’s something that impacts on her or her fiancè’s life in any way.
“Yes, she’s incredibly rude and dismissive, but she may actually be just ignorant as well.”
“So show her and go from there on the dress.” ~ PsychologicalBit5422
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You offered a gracious gift with your hard-earned money.
You have every right to demand respect.
Your career is just as important as anyone else’s.
Hopefully, you and your sister can work this out if it’s a non-toxic situation for you.
Good luck.