It’s tough seeing your parents struggle with money. But, there comes a time when you have to take care of yourself before you help out others.
If you can barely pay rent, it is hard to contribute to the family’s finances.
Redditor dhdhsjsnsns encountered this very issue with her mom. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not giving my mom the money I saved up that she really really needs to save her and her baby’s lives?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m the fourth oldest of ten kids. My mom is currently pregnant with her eleventh. Yup.”
“Ever since I was twelve I wanted to move out. I’ve been saving up money. It’s been hard actually not spending but I’m now 21 and have saved 7 thousand dollars.”
“My mom knows I work full time but I lied and told her it was unpaid internship otherwise she would have made me give her the money. Her boyfriends literally don’t have money so she has been taking my siblings and I’s checks since forever.”
“I’m sick of living in this house with so many people, there’s nothing more I want than to move away and live by myself finally.”
OP made some concrete plans.
“My friend and I always talked about moving to New York and her uncle is a super who offered us an apartment at a really good rate recently. The idea went from being just something we talked about to actually being a reality.”
“Once I secured a job interview, I knew it was time to tell my mom I was moving out.”
“Despite having four older siblings, none of them have moved out. I didn’t know how she’d react.”
“She was extremely upset and asked me how I had the money to move to somewhere as expensive as New York and pay rent. I admitted to saving money and that’s when she lost her sh*t.”
“She started screaming up how I know she’s struggling to pay rent and pay for her baby’s formula and diapers and one of her twin toddlers had to have surgery two years ago and I didn’t offer a dime and they’re my siblings.”
Then, things got more complicated.
“Two weeks before my flight, my mom fainted at her job and was hospitalized.”
“They said that the pregnancy was too high risk, she had problems with her other pregnancies before this one and almost died with her last pregnancy and they advised her to abort otherwise the baby could cost her life. She refused to abort saying she’s been getting pregnant since she was fourteen, it wasn’t gonna kill her now.”
“She was in the hospital on bed rest and she called me begging to send her some of the money not even all to pay for a special procedure to help her baby.”
“I literally can’t afford to waste a dime, my money isn’t gonna last long and even with a job lined up I didn’t want to risk potentially wasting all my money before I even got to New York so I told her I couldn’t.”
“She went off calling me an a**hole saying moving isn’t as important as her and her baby’s life. All of my siblings are saying I’m evil and that I can wait to move later and that I’m young and I’m a major a**hole for not helping at all.”
“Once I get more stable I do intend to send her money. I offered $500 and she hung up.”
“I don’t know if I’m wrong or not.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“You feel guilty because your mom, who refuses to make choices that will allow her to support herself and her dependents, and your siblings who have been totally blinded by her, are guilting you. NOT because you are in the wrong.” ~ hexagon_heist
“I read it as the older siblings are contributing, so they’re angry because the OP is putting their own oxygen mask on first (when they’ve been unable/unwilling to). They do say that all 4 older siblings still live at home. Those siblings are probably the ones keeping things afloat.” ~ MusketeersPlus2
“That’s exactly what I was about to say. If you have older siblings than you and they’re working where’s their money going. If they are going to be so upset about you taking your money and moving out and doing something that you want to do. Why don’t they give the money to help there mom?”
“I’m really sad your mom is still a child and making babies. You need to get out.”
“If she hasn’t learned what their first few she’s not going to learn what the 11th one. Usually as a mother you think how much you can provide for your child before you bring them into this world. It’s not fair for you guys having to take care of your siblings when she could have decided to use protection.”
“You would think a condom or birth control would be cheaper than a child. At least to my understanding.”
“Edit: Thanks for the reward!” ~ vengi15
“Pack your bags and go. If her procedure is medically necessary the hospital will do it and bill her later or write it off.”
Google ‘crabs in a bucket’ thats what your family is trying to do to you.” ~ TigerBelmont
Many argued the American healthcare system is part of the problem.
“Yeah… like the American healthcare system is shitty but they’re not going to deny someone a life saving medical procedure. They’ll figure out how to get their money later.” ~ calliatom
“There are programs available, but the hoops that a person has to go through to access them make them inaccessible for many people. Particularly people with low health literacy or limited social support. People die all the time because they can’t afford chemo. Source: I am oncology nurse.” ~ Early_Yak_5239
“In my family’s experience, they will absolutely deny you IF you refuse to just go the route of eating the costs. You can fight tooth and nail for every bit of assistance and help you can find, that doesn’t mean those phone calls will be answered, forms will be mailed to you in a timely fashion, or approval notices arrive any time soon, and if it’s a time sensitive life saving procedure, you can only delay for so long.”
“Eventually you just have to say ‘fine, do it and give me the bill’ and try and sort it out later while making whatever pathetic payments you can to avoid it going to collections and losing your assets like your home and vehicle and having your wages garnished.” ~ CaptainYaoiHands
OP took Reddit’s opinion to heart.
“Thank you all for your advice.”
“I feel much better about my decision. I’m staying at my friends house with my bags until our flight tomorrow.”
“Your words of encouragement have been nothing but amazing. I don’t feel bad at all anymore.”
It’s a tough situation all around.