We can all think of at least one instance when we did not agree with our guardians’ parenting decisions, whether it was a punishment or lifestyle choice.
But sometimes we don’t realize our differences of opinion until we legally become adults, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor bugbrain_energy had come of age and had access to her medical records, so she decided to begin caring for herself in the way she’d hoped her parents would.
But when her mother accused her of calling her a bad mother, the Original Poster (OP) decided to be honest.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my mom that I don’t trust her medical decisions anymore?”
The OP grew up in an anti-vax household.
“My Mom is anti-vaccinations. My sister and I both didn’t get the HPV (Human Papillomavirus) vaccination when we were younger, because our mom thought it would be unhealthy and cause serious side effects.”
“She doesn’t trust regular medicine and rather uses homeopathy.”
“Additionally, when I was 17, I went to a psychologist for my mental health, and she accused me of making up problems and faking my symptoms.”
“She also put the blame on herself and called herself a bad mom instead of trying to get me help.”
“There’s also a history of my parents ignoring any signs of mental illness or neurodivergence, and I’m still waiting for a psychiatrist appointment to get checked properly.”
The OP began to redirect her medical care at the age of 19.
“I (19 Female) recently went to the gynecologist to get my yearly check-up.”
“I mentioned to my doctor (52 Female) that I didn’t get my HPV vaccination when I was young because of my mom, but I did my own research later in life and would like to try and still get it.”
“My gynecologist is currently helping me to get everything sorted with my health insurance to make this wish possible.”
The OP’s mother wanted to know the details of the appointment.
“When I went back home, I had a small fight with my mom about another upcoming doctor’s appointment and the planned HPV vaccine.”
“Eventually, I told her that I don’t want to listen to her because I don’t trust her medical decision-making anymore.”
“She asked me to elaborate on my reasons, and I listed the reasons given in the post above.”
“She started crying, saying that she just wanted the best for me and my siblings and that I wouldn’t have to worry about getting cancer because of the yearly check-ups at the doctors.”
“I don’t want to put words into her mouth, but for me, that basically means that she would rather we go through cancer treatment than get vaccinated.”
The OP had finally heard enough.
“She called my gynecologist ‘scared’ for helping me try to get the vaccination sorted out and because she still wears a mask at work (that woman is a doctor, of course she wears one).”
“I defended her because she’s a great doctor and only helps me because I asked her to, but my mom wouldn’t listen.”
“Instead, she got offended and asked me if I trust other people more than her.”
“I said, ‘Yes, I would rather ask a doctor when it comes to medical decisions. I trust you as a mother but I can’t trust you with my personal health anymore.'”
“I ended the conversation by reminding her that I already told her at 18 that I would make my own medical decisions as an adult, and even though I appreciate her trying to give me a healthy childhood, she has to respect my decisions now.”
The OP’s father sided against her.
“My dad thinks I’m the AH because I made her cry and ‘snapped’ at her.”
“Am I the AH in this situation?”
“Should I apologize or just try and talk to her again?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to not hesitate to provide herself with proper medical care.
“NTA. You are an adult now, and you are entitled to make your own medical decisions.”
“Having lost loved ones to cancer, I can’t believe how a mom would willingly put you in a position of higher risk.”
“I don’t know for how long your mom has been anti-vax, but I would recommend you to gather your vaccination records as a child, and discuss with your GP (General Practitioner) if there are other vaccines or boosters that you might be lacking.” – irisjany13
“I am middle-aged, and that vaccine was not an option, but I got my kids vaccinated as fast as I could.”
“I had bad Pap smears my entire adult life, every kind of cervical procedure more than once, and, finally, a total hysterectomy. I am so grateful I was able to avoid cancer, there were many close calls.”
“One especially bad test resulted in a surgical biopsy when my children were very small and I was a crying mess for days. So many nights spent worrying.”
“My dr told me they are already seeing the benefits of that vaccine in now-adult patients, and they made me so happy.”
“I’m glad you’re doing this, OP. NTA.” – brencoop
“Do what you need to get it.”
“It wasn’t available when I was young. I had to biopsy and then surgery due to it. I then buried a son several years later when I went into premature labor because of the damage to my cervix from treatment.”
“Get the vaccine. Even if you have to save up and pay for it.” – Sad-Implement-5462
“The HPV shot is a three-shot vaccine (I believe). My mom only took me to get the first one when I was 12, and then never took me to get the rest.”
“I didn’t find out until after 26, which is the oldest you can get it. I’m still upset about her recklessness about not getting me all the doses.”
“100% get every vaccine you can that you may have not gotten as a child.”
“So far, I’ve been lucky, but this post just gave me a ton of anxiety because it reminded me that I am not fully protected.”
“Don’t be me. Get your shots!” – SinVerguenza04
“NTA. I’m in my 30s and just had my LEEP (Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure) this past Monday due to the type of HPV that causes cervical cancer.”
“Get. The. Vaccine.”
“I was a teen when the vaccine came out and my sister and I weren’t vaccinated because at the time my mom didn’t wanna pay for it. It was newer at the time, so through her work insurance, she would have had a copay to have it done.”
“I’m so disappointed in my mom over that. I’ve made sure my tweens are vaccinated. It’s worth it not having to deal with cervical cancer. That s**t is scary.”
“Vaccines are important and so are regular pap smears. You are an adult and are making good choices for yourself. None of this is your mom’s business anymore.”
“Good for you for being proactive when it comes to your health.” – Ambergler1988
“NTA. She sounds so controlling, and no offense, but crazy. Mental health and health, in general, are nothing to take lightly or cure with stupid methods like this.”
“I’m glad your gynecologist is helping you and you are looking more into your mental health.”
“Don’t give in to your parents. They are 100% in the wrong.” – SakuraPanda91
Others recommended the OP limit the information she shared with her mom in the future.
“NTA. You’re over 18, and this is your decision.”
“For your own mental health, I would stop telling her while you live at her house.”
“Not that her behavior is okay, but I doubt it’s worth the mental anguish of watching her have a breakdown every time.” – SherbetAnnual2294
“NTA. But stop discussing your medical issues with her. There’s really no point.” – jammy913
“NTA. I don’t think you owe an apology. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t discuss the topic with her at all in the future.” – Fenriswolf_9
“NTA. I had to tell my mom the same thing recently because she tried to tell me that one of my symptoms of a UTI was not a UTI but a result of having gotten the [virus] vaccine.”
“As soon as she told me that, I corrected her with a heavy dose of attitude in my voice and then vowed to myself to never disclose anything medical to my mother ever again.”
“We recently got into it, but I told her that I can’t trust her medical input anymore, among other things.” – highway-hawk
“Your mother simply needs to be told that you’re making your own medical decisions and leave it at that.”
“You could have left out information about what those decisions are since they are contrary to her own opinions to avoid a fight about it.”
“Your dad should have stepped in and told your mom to butt out, but he didn’t. If she’s crying that’s her own fault for pushing the issue that she no longer has a say about.” – Short-Classroom2559
“OP, you might want to eventually consider putting your mom on an info diet. She doesn’t have to know everything you do or everything you think.”
“I get that you’re trying to have an open and honest relationship with her while maintaining your boundaries, and maybe that’ll work out well (fingers crossed).”
“Just remember, down the road, if she continues to argue with you or have over-the-top emotional reactions to decisions that are 100% your business and not hers… Remember that you don’t have to tell her everything.”
“And if you do tell her about your decisions, and she asks why you made those decisions, you don’t have to defend your choices.”
“Reasons are for reasonable people, and you don’t have to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You can just say that your mind is made up, period the end.” – Jesybelznwhistles
While the OP felt conflicted about her parents’ criticism of her choices, the subReddit insisted that she was an adult and had the right to make medical decisions that she felt were the best for her.
If her parents couldn’t handle the decisions she was making, she could either lower her contact with them or at least limit their access to her future medical information.