When two people are about to get married, the hope is always that they will be welcomed by each other’s families just as much as they have welcomed each other.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor restaurantcrasher was unsure as to why, but she was frequently uninvited to her husband’s family dinners, though the other significant others in the family were included.
When she kept pressing for a reason why, the Original Poster (OP)’s husband demanded she respect his and his family’s decision to not include her.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for eating at the same restaurant as my husband’s family?”
The OP was rarely invited to family dinner parties.
“I (32 Female) have been married to my husband (35 Male) for 3 years. We dated for 2 years before that.”
“I want to start this off by saying that he really is a good guy in other areas.”
“My husband’s parents, his 2 brothers (ages 38 and 40ish), and his brothers’ girlfriends/fiancées have a tradition of going out to dinner once a month. I am invited about 50% of the time.”
“I’ve talked to my husband’s brother’s fiancée, and she says she is invited every time.”
“When I say I’m not invited, I mean that my husband tells me, ‘I’m going to the family dinner. It’s probably best if you sit this one out.'”
“When I expressed that I wanted to come, he told me that it would be for the best if I didn’t. It has caused several fights.”
The OP clarified in several comments that she did not know why she wasn’t invited.
“I do ask why [I haven’t been invited]. He’s very cagey about it. We will fight for hours and all I will get is, ‘It’s for the best if you don’t come.'”
“I am Mixed-Race and he is white. We are both Christians, but neither of us is particularly religious. My in-laws are fairly religious, but none of their kids are avid churchgoers and they don’t seem to mind.”
“If they are racist, they aren’t super forward about it. Maybe it contributes to their dislike for me, but I can’t imagine that it caused their dislike of me.”
“I am truly not sure [why they don’t want me there]. I wish they would just be honest about why they don’t want me there so I could know the reason. My best guess is that I just don’t ‘fit in,’ but I’m not sure what about me/them makes that the case.”
At the latest family dinner, the OP decided to make a stand.
“About a week ago, my husband went to a family dinner that I wasn’t invited to. I was very p**sed.”
“So earlier that day, I called and made a reservation at the restaurant they were going to.”
“My husband left the house, not knowing about my reservations, and I left 15 minutes after him.”
“I ended up seated at a table where I couldn’t see his family.”
“So I got up as if I was going to the bathroom and walked right past them.”
“They were all there, including his brothers’ SOs (significant others).”
“My husband looked completely shocked and asked me what I was doing there.”
“I told him that I had just been dying for a steak, so I came and got one at the restaurant.”
“My mother-in-law said it was very rude of me to interrupt their family dinner.”
“I pointed out that I wasn’t trying to join them, I was just going to the bathroom.”
“I told them to have a good meal and I left. I went and finished my steak by myself.”
The OP clarified in another comment that this was the first verbal altercation they’d had.
“Until his mother called me rude, they had never been outright hostile to me or anything.”
“It was small things, like not inviting me to these dinners, that made them seem cold. They have always been kind of distant.”
“But there was never a fight or anything to cause bad blood. I have always tried to be kind to them.”
Her husband was furious with her.
“My husband was really p**sed when he came home, and he told me that he couldn’t believe how much of an a**hole I had been.”
“I said that he was an a**hole for not inviting me to his dinners when his brothers’ SOs got to go.”
“My husband said that the decision to invite was between him and his family, and I should respect it.”
“Anyway, with the way the word a**hole was thrown around, it made me think of this sub.”
“So I wanted to ask if I am the a**hole. Am I?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the family was definitely a collective AH, not the OP.
“WTF. Your husband and his family are all a**holes.” – pretzelwhale
“As soon as your MIL (Mother-in-Law) said you’d interrupted their ‘family’ dinner spoke volumes: you are not and never will be considered family to them.”
“Get out now, no matter what other ‘good’ aspects you see in your husband. You are worth more than this.” – JayneJay
“OP, leave. Don’t tolerate this bulls**t. Don’t have kids with this man. If you can’t love yourself enough, what about your family and your future kids? Protect them at least.” – youdaahole
“I just love when people say, ‘but he’s a really good guy in other areas…'”
“Yeah… See. When you wear rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like all the other flags.”
“OP, Take off your rose-colored glasses and REALLY look at all his red flags, and ask yourself if you can truly live with not only his red flags, but all of his family’s red flags, too.” – KknhgnhInepa0cnB11
“OP’s husband doesn’t consider her to be family, either. This is the key to me.”
“My parents have been married 50+ years, and my grandmother will STILL tell my dad things and then tell him, ‘Don’t tell (Mom’s name). This is a family affair.’ Then my dad will come home and tell her the entire thing in detail because his wife is his family.”
“It’s one thing to have horrible in-laws. They can be kept at a distance. But when the man you literally sleep next to is acting that way, it’s time to pack your stuff and go. He might think he loves you, but he doesn’t respect you.”
“NTA.” – Automatic_Value7555
Others thought the family, including the OP’s husband, was racist.
“NTA, OP, but your in-laws and husband are racist. OP stated that she is of mixed race, and that when she asks her husband why his family does not like her, he is cagey and never gives a real response.”
“The other SO’s are all white like the in-laws, which is why they get invited every time.”
“The only difference between any of them, including religion, is that OP is mixed race.”
“The fact that her husband is ok with this and gets angry at OP for asking about it says he too is racist and is fine with racists excluding his wife.”
“Do you really want to do this for the rest of your life OP, let alone for the next 5 years until you decide whether you want kids or not? And what if the kids are not ‘white-passing’? Do you really think your in-laws will not treat them differently?”
“GET OUT.” – Acceptable_Day6086
“OP also gets huge props for her actions so far. She stuck up for herself and exposed their racism. That takes guts.”
“She has some hard decisions to make about what happens next, but she absolutely deserves credit for not taking their behavior lying down.” – beneaththeseracs
“Reason for divorce: irreconcilable differences. In-laws are nasty deluded racists, and husband is a spineless enabling a**hole.” – erie85
“Maybe I’ve just missed a memo or two or three, but when you get married, are you not part of the ‘family’ now?”
“If they had a child, would the child be invited, because the decision was between him and his family, and the baby made the cut?”
“But the birthing unit that spits out the offspring can’t tag along? ‘Best if she didn’t.'”
“I’m seriously gobsmacked. NTA. Hope her steak was good.” – TUFKAT
“When you refuse to tell someone why you’re shunning them, it’s because there is no legitimate reason.”
“NTA. If their choice to shun you is so honorable, they can own it.” – JuliaX1984
Some made suggestions for what to do at the next family dinner.
“You can always just ‘decide’ the reason why you aren’t invited for yourself, and let him know you are going to proceed like it’s the truth until he comes clean.”
“You could say, ‘Husband, I’ve realized that whatever the reason is, it must be horrible for you to prefer constant fights over being honest with me about it. I could only come up with your family being racist, and you trying to split the difference by only subjecting them to me half of the time.'”
“Also add, ‘So unless you correct me, I will be assuming this is the case going forward. Any time it’s discussed, I will be assuming I’m not invited due to my race. Any time the subject comes up, I will not hesitate to let everyone know that is what the issue seems to be.'” – DisabledH*rlot
“I would have told them I was just here to drop off divorce papers… And eat a steak!” – MissFingerz
“Motherf**ker ever said that to me and I’d be like, ‘Oh, we’re not family? Cool, Imma just head out to the clubs then. I wouldn’t expect me back for a while, or you know like at all. I’m gonna play it by ear seeing as I don’t have any family obligations to worry about.'” – DonnasCyborg
“If I were OP, I’d go out clubbing with friends whenever she and the hubby had an opportune weekend night together, all of a sudden you know, and ditch him.”
“She could say that he could tag along maybe in the future at some point, but for that night, he should sit this one out.” – GlassWeird
“Why put up with this? Such disrespect. Ask your husband why he excludes you, because this comes from him.”
“I would probably divorce him myself, but at the very least, never attend another of his family’s events. Always plan something fun for yourself.”
“This is so belittling. Please update and best of luck. I feel you would be much happier without him.” – Pettyfan1234
While the OP claimed to be unclear about why she wasn’t invited to half of these family dinners, the subReddit thought racism was the overwhelmingly obvious answer, with some invitations thrown in to help cover the truth up.
If the OP wanted to salvage this relationship, she would need to have a serious talk with her husband, but the subReddit also questioned why she would want to.