Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit is a popular place to determine whether you’re the one in the wrong in any given situation.
Redditor AliVonClick decided to seek the wisdom of the AITA hive mind about an incident with her boyfriend and pose a hypothetical situation for moral judgment asking “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA).
The Original Poster (OP), asked her fellow internet denizens:
“[WIBTA] if I tell my boyfriend not to refer to and introduce me as his ‘wife’?”
She began with the relevant backstory.
“My (30F[emale]) boyfriend (33M[ale]) have been together for over 5 years & have a 1-year-old son together. We’ve been homeless together, lost a baby together and slowly built our lives back up. He never liked the idea of marriage, saying, ‘I don’t see why the gov’t has to be involved & why we should have to prove our love to anyone’.”
“I get it, but marriage/a proposal are very important to me. He said he’d marry me because he plans on being with me indefinitely anyway & because he thinks it’d be good for our son. During my pregnancy he mentioned several times that he wanted to get married before our son was born. I waited but never got a proposal or anything.”
“Last month was our 5 year anniversary & I thought it’d be great to get married that day. I was heartbroken he still never proposed, especially because he proposed to his last gf before me with a ring & everything.”
She soon decided it was time to take matters into her own hands, and he seemed fine with it.
“I let the idea of a romantic proposal go & reminded myself that marrying him was the most important part. He said if we could pull it off he was fine with it. He wanted nothing to do with setting it up, which was okay with me.”
“Even for our baby shower he said he didn’t want to hear about it, so a family friend & I took care of it ourselves.”
“I changed my schedule at work, picked a location, time, 2 witnesses & someone ordained to officiate (it was meant to be a small ceremony just to sign the license to make it legal). I ran some of the details by him throughout planning & he kept agreeing they were fine.”
Things took a rapid turn for the worse right before the wedding, though.
“2 days before the wedding, the day I planned to go get the license, he said he felt ‘forced & pushed into getting married’ & didn’t like the idea of doing it now.”
“So I had to cancel everything & explain to everyone at work when they asked how the wedding went. It was so pathetic & humiliating.”
OP was understandably rattled by this turn of events.
“I went into a major depressive episode & didn’t even think we would be together much longer. He said he’d definitely marry me eventually but not now. I told him after what happened I would NEVER bring up marriage to him again.”
“His response was, ‘Okay, great! That’s awesome!’ (not sarcastic at all, just completely relieved & happy). But I also told him that I wouldn’t just be his gf forever. He didn’t seem bothered by that, he was just happy I’d shut the f**k up about getting married to him.”
“He recently introduced me to someone as, ‘This is my wife, Alicia’. It felt like a slap in the f**king face.”
This was just too much for OP.
“He’d referred to me as his wife occasionally throughout the years before the wedding fiasco, but the fact that he still today calls me his wife really upsets me, because he f**ked off that chance when he had it.”
Finally, she asked Redditors if it would be wrong to tell him how she feels.
“Would I be the a**hole if I told him I don’t appreciate being called his wife after everything that happened & to not refer to me as such?”
“I wanna make sure I’m not in the wrong before I bring it up & potentially cause an argument over it.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors unanimously agreed that OP would definitely not be an a**hole for telling her boyfriend not to call her his wife.
“‘What? When did we get married? Did I miss it?’ NTA. Call him out on it. You’re not overreacting or in the wrong. He wants all the benefits of being married without actually putting in any effort. If he’s going to call you his wife then he actually needs to make it official. If you want to be extra petty, call him out in front of whoever he’s introduced you to. ‘Dude, I’m not your wife until you put a ring on it!'” ~Dammit_Janet5
“NTA. He has no desire to get married and needs to stop calling you his wife. Also you should make sure you have your finances set up so you would be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out.” ~teresajs
“NTA, but I think you’d be better served asking yourself whether you’ve finally hit that breaking point you warned him about than having yet another discussion about it.” ~mm172
Many people recommended that OP get out of the relationship before she wastes any more of her time with him.
“Commenting here for visibility. OP, I think you know why you really posted this. You’re looking for permission to leave him and for confirmation that he will never marry you. Here it is. He will never marry you. He will never want to marry you. He’s taken every opportunity to dodge marrying you. You can leave him. Stop wasting your time and energy on this. NTA” ~basilobs
“NTA. He’s done nothing to earn the right to call you that.”
“Tell him. And next time he introduces you like that, say ‘Hi. I’m Alicia. His girlfriend. We’re not married.’ Correct this every time. He’s embarrassed? It’s awkward? Well. How embarrassing and awkward was it for you to call off your ceremony and explain it to people?” ~B4pangea
“I’d skip that’s embarrassing awkward stuff by pulling the plug in this dead end relationship with the guy who is keeping his options open. He’s not there for her. Her feelings aren’t a priority. It’s time to acknowledge that and leave.” ~IPetdogs4u
“NTA. You’re not his wife. That’s incredibly insulting, because you want to be, and he won’t ask. And if he calls you his wife in public, he recognizes that people assume that you’d be married by now, and he’s embarrassed.”
“You’ve been together for a long time, and have gone through a lot together, but there are an awful lot of red flags here… Are you suuuuuuure that you want to be with him? It sounds like he’s never going to propose. I’m sorry 😞” ~ISeeMusicInColor
“NTA- I am so sorry this person is putting you through this. 5 years is not rushed. If he wants to be married or not he is very disrespectful to you and your feelings. Please know your worth, and don’t stay with someone that doesn’t value you. Him waiting 2 days before your wedding to say something is unbelievably selfish. Again I am so sorry, this guy sounds like a real jerk.” ~Callypigyanbunny
“NTA. Here are some things you are now free to do that would still not make you the a**hole.”
“Get your own apartment”
“Get child support”
“Start dating other people who mean what they say.”
“You do not need to discuss any of the above with him, because nothing this man has to say means anything. The man is a joke.” ~PersonalJudge
While strangers on the internet are often quick to say “leave him,” they are rarely this unanimous in that judgement.