Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit is a popular place to determine whether you're the one in the wrong in any given situation.
Redditor AliVonClick decided to seek the wisdom of the AITA hive mind about an incident with her boyfriend and pose a hypothetical situation for moral judgment asking "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA).
The Original Poster (OP), asked her fellow internet denizens:
"[WIBTA] if I tell my boyfriend not to refer to and introduce me as his 'wife'?"
She began with the relevant backstory.
"My (30F[emale]) boyfriend (33M[ale]) have been together for over 5 years & have a 1-year-old son together. We've been homeless together, lost a baby together and slowly built our lives back up. He never liked the idea of marriage, saying, 'I don't see why the gov't has to be involved & why we should have to prove our love to anyone'."
"I get it, but marriage/a proposal are very important to me. He said he'd marry me because he plans on being with me indefinitely anyway & because he thinks it'd be good for our son. During my pregnancy he mentioned several times that he wanted to get married before our son was born. I waited but never got a proposal or anything."
"Last month was our 5 year anniversary & I thought it'd be great to get married that day. I was heartbroken he still never proposed, especially because he proposed to his last gf before me with a ring & everything."
She soon decided it was time to take matters into her own hands, and he seemed fine with it.
"I let the idea of a romantic proposal go & reminded myself that marrying him was the most important part. He said if we could pull it off he was fine with it. He wanted nothing to do with setting it up, which was okay with me."
"Even for our baby shower he said he didn't want to hear about it, so a family friend & I took care of it ourselves."
"I changed my schedule at work, picked a location, time, 2 witnesses & someone ordained to officiate (it was meant to be a small ceremony just to sign the license to make it legal). I ran some of the details by him throughout planning & he kept agreeing they were fine."
Things took a rapid turn for the worse right before the wedding, though.
"2 days before the wedding, the day I planned to go get the license, he said he felt 'forced & pushed into getting married' & didn't like the idea of doing it now."
"So I had to cancel everything & explain to everyone at work when they asked how the wedding went. It was so pathetic & humiliating."
OP was understandably rattled by this turn of events.
"I went into a major depressive episode & didn't even think we would be together much longer. He said he'd definitely marry me eventually but not now. I told him after what happened I would NEVER bring up marriage to him again."
"His response was, 'Okay, great! That's awesome!' (not sarcastic at all, just completely relieved & happy). But I also told him that I wouldn't just be his gf forever. He didn't seem bothered by that, he was just happy I'd shut the f**k up about getting married to him."
"He recently introduced me to someone as, 'This is my wife, Alicia'. It felt like a slap in the f**king face."
This was just too much for OP.
"He'd referred to me as his wife occasionally throughout the years before the wedding fiasco, but the fact that he still today calls me his wife really upsets me, because he f**ked off that chance when he had it."
Finally, she asked Redditors if it would be wrong to tell him how she feels.
"Would I be the a**hole if I told him I don't appreciate being called his wife after everything that happened & to not refer to me as such?"
"I wanna make sure I'm not in the wrong before I bring it up & potentially cause an argument over it."
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors unanimously agreed that OP would definitely not be an a**hole for telling her boyfriend not to call her his wife.
"'What? When did we get married? Did I miss it?' NTA. Call him out on it. You're not overreacting or in the wrong. He wants all the benefits of being married without actually putting in any effort. If he's going to call you his wife then he actually needs to make it official. If you want to be extra petty, call him out in front of whoever he's introduced you to. 'Dude, I'm not your wife until you put a ring on it!'" ~Dammit_Janet5
"NTA. He has no desire to get married and needs to stop calling you his wife. Also you should make sure you have your finances set up so you would be okay if this relationship doesn't work out." ~teresajs
"NTA, but I think you'd be better served asking yourself whether you've finally hit that breaking point you warned him about than having yet another discussion about it." ~mm172
Many people recommended that OP get out of the relationship before she wastes any more of her time with him.
"Commenting here for visibility. OP, I think you know why you really posted this. You're looking for permission to leave him and for confirmation that he will never marry you. Here it is. He will never marry you. He will never want to marry you. He's taken every opportunity to dodge marrying you. You can leave him. Stop wasting your time and energy on this. NTA" ~basilobs
"NTA. He's done nothing to earn the right to call you that."
"Tell him. And next time he introduces you like that, say 'Hi. I'm Alicia. His girlfriend. We're not married.' Correct this every time. He's embarrassed? It's awkward? Well. How embarrassing and awkward was it for you to call off your ceremony and explain it to people?" ~B4pangea
"I'd skip that's embarrassing awkward stuff by pulling the plug in this dead end relationship with the guy who is keeping his options open. He's not there for her. Her feelings aren't a priority. It's time to acknowledge that and leave." ~IPetdogs4u
"NTA. You're not his wife. That's incredibly insulting, because you want to be, and he won't ask. And if he calls you his wife in public, he recognizes that people assume that you'd be married by now, and he's embarrassed."
"You've been together for a long time, and have gone through a lot together, but there are an awful lot of red flags here... Are you suuuuuuure that you want to be with him? It sounds like he's never going to propose. I'm sorry 😞" ~ISeeMusicInColor
"NTA- I am so sorry this person is putting you through this. 5 years is not rushed. If he wants to be married or not he is very disrespectful to you and your feelings. Please know your worth, and don't stay with someone that doesn't value you. Him waiting 2 days before your wedding to say something is unbelievably selfish. Again I am so sorry, this guy sounds like a real jerk." ~Callypigyanbunny
"NTA. Here are some things you are now free to do that would still not make you the a**hole."
"Get your own apartment"
"Get child support"
"Start dating other people who mean what they say."
"You do not need to discuss any of the above with him, because nothing this man has to say means anything. The man is a joke." ~PersonalJudge
While strangers on the internet are often quick to say "leave him," they are rarely this unanimous in that judgement.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.