Taste in food can often be a complicated, if not downright polarizing issue, between friends and family.
While some people are willing and eager to try anything and everything at least once, some folks are so picky they always stick to the familiar and never stray from the path.
Others are so picky that they simply can't tolerate being around those who don't share their limited taste in food and do not stay quiet when their friends or family members order something they wouldn't try in a million years.
Even if said ingredients never make it anywhere near their mouths.
Redditor Clarice_Raven was lucky in that she had a fairly good relationship with her partner's family, even making regular stays at their house.
However, things took an unexpected turn for the worse when the original poster (OP) decided to mix and match some of the dishes her partner's mother cooked.
A gesture that was not at all appreciated by her partner's family, causing such a scene that the OP made the choice to get up and leave.
Worried that she may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for mixing food and offending partner's family?"
The OP shared how her decision to mix certain ingredients ended up putting her at odds with her partner's family:
"I (23 F[emale], Chinese Australian) have been dating Andrew (26 M[ale], Half Vietnamese half Australian) for 4 years, and regularly stay at his place on the weekend."
"He lives at home with his parents and older sister Hayley (30 F)."
"Not too long ago, Hayley suggested that since I stay over often, I should start paying them for groceries and bills, though I'm still a student so they aren't too strict with the amount."
"I transfer them $50-100 here and there to cover my share."
"His family treats me very well and I respect them, I have been really happy in my relationship so what happened today was quite shocking to me."
"Andrew's mother, Louise (60 F[emale]), is Vietnamese and cooks amazing food regularly."
"I love her cooking!"
"Today she had cooked a delicious pork rib and taro soup, and I ate some for lunch."
"At dinner, Andrew was going to make some instant noodles, so I asked him to make me a pack of Shin Ramen (Korean spicy noodles)."
"When it was done, I decided I wanted some of the pork rib in my noodle, and mix some of the soup in my bowl."
"Louise hastily stopped me, saying that no, I should not mix the soup with my ramen."
"I was confused."
"Andrew came over and said the pork rib soup should be eaten alone and not mixed with my spicy noodles, since the flavors are different."
"I argued that Koreans also eat spicy rib soup, so it shouldn't be too weird, and since I've had the rib soup by itself for lunch, I wanted to try a different flavor."
"However Louise insisted that the way I mix food is wrong, and Andrew said I should just eat my spicy noodles and maybe come back for a bowl of soup later."
"The argument got quite heated as I didn't understand why mixing food is such a crime (this had happened a few times before, when I added different condiments or mixed stir-fry with noodles, Louise pointed out that my eating habits are strange, but she never said more than that)."
"Then I got overwhelmed and ran to Andrew's room and started crying."
"Hayley barged in and began yelling at me (she's normally kind to me, but she does have a bit of a tempter) 'why are you throwing a tantrum in someone else's house?'"
"'We are feeding you food, and you're so ungrateful!'"
"I was really upset because I think I did nothing wrong, so in the heat of the moment, I stood up and screamed back, 'I paid for the food, why should you care how I eat?'"
"'I'm not forcing you to eat what I eat! If I go to a restaurant and pay for a plate of food, you think they'd kick me out for eating the food wrong?'"
"'How ridiculous!'"
"In the end, I was so angry I packed my bags and stormed out of their house (after Hayley got so mad she said I'm no longer welcome at their house), and now I'm on the way home and crying, wondering what I did wrong."
"It really doesn't make sense!"
"I tried to put myself in their shoes and say if Andrew wanted to eat Chinese dumplings with tomato sauce, my Chinese family and I would not care at all (we'd just laugh it off due to personal tastes)."
"So AITA for mixing food/having different food preferences and upsetting my partner's family?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to mix up different flavor profiles.
Most agreed that how the OP wanted to mix and match her food should not have mattered at all to Andrew and his family, especially not in the over-the-top reaction she received, with many urging the OP to severely question whether or not staying with Andrew was a good idea.
"NTA."
"I probably would've had a similar reaction if my SO's family had ganged up on me like that, and Hayley's barging in on you while you were trying to calm down makes her a huge a**hole."
"That being said, it sounds like you might want to reconsider your relationship with Andrew because it doesn't appear that he's going to have your back in anything."- Jaded-Permission-324
"NTA."
"Your partner's family sound controlling to me."
"Sure, it is their house and their 'rules'; that doesn't change the fact that it is YOUR MOUTH, and you can put whatever the f*ck you want in any combination in it."
"Just because it is their house doesn't give them the right to disrespect you and force you to eat how they eat."
"If anyone thinks that way they need checked out."
"Just because someone is in your house DOES NOT give you control over them and how they eat food."
"WTF."- StinkieSloth
"NTA."
"I will never understand the food police and their need to correct how people eat."
"Who gives a rat's backside if you want Vietnamese pork in Korean noodles."
"Has your boyfriend in his family ever heard of Asian fusion?"- Peony-Pony
"How you eat shouldn't matter to anyone as long as you're not forcing others to eat it that way."
"Who cares how you mix up food?"
"The food policing is crazy."
"I also think that maybe they're not so happy about hosting you as they seem."
"NTA."- mushroomgyal
"This family sounds crazy."
"Everyone defending their right to dictate how someone eats 'in their house' when she literally pays them for food."
"And asked for that money after being continually invited over as a guest, mind you."
"'You're not allowed to do this because I think it tastes weird' is so stupid."
"Ditch these people OP."- cestkameha
"Everyone has different tastes."
"If it's not enough that the other person is enjoying your food in a way they like best, then you probably have some egotistical reasons to be cooking."- CamilaSBedin
"I'm Viet and my mom and I were just laughing about this exact issue two days ago."
"It's true that some of the Viet people are super anal about how their food should be eaten."
"Next time it happens, sit down calmly and tell them the crocodile story."
"It goes like this, 'A man with a wooden leg went down to the side of the river one day'."
"When he saw a crocodile, he went near it to test out its reaction to his leg."
"The crocodile immediately went for the wooden leg, violently trying to bite and to eat it."
"Panicked, he pulled his leg out of the water."
"Suddenly, he realized, there was a young kid sitting a few feet away from him with both his chubby legs soaking in the river, and yet the crocodile ignored the kid completely."
"He went over to sit next to the kid, and the crocodile attacked his wooden leg again."
"As he was fighting to pull his leg out, he started yelling at the crocodile, 'Why must you go for my leg and not his ah? Are you stupid???' "
"The crocodile answered, 'I eat what I want to eat, it's none of your business!''"
"P. S. We use the same rib soup for ramen all the time. "
"Your bf family is literally just weirdly fragile about it."- Demoniokitty
There were others, however, who still felt that Andrew's family badly overreacted, but the OP didn't need to stoop (or, in this case, rise) to their level and could have de-escalated the situation.
"ESH but not for mixing the food, just for how this escalated."
"My granddad was famous for dipping his chips in ice cream, which some people thought made him weird, and some people thought made him a legend."
"My grandmom would yell at him for it, but it was all in good humor."
"This whole thing should have been de-escalated by BOTH parties."
"This was not a hill to die on."- RumSoakedChap
One can't help but wonder if Hayley's suggestion that the OP pitch in for bills may have been her way of hinting that the OP was overstaying her welcome.
Further suggesting that perhaps this particular blow-up was less about the OP's decision to mix certain foods together, and more about an underlying dysfunction?
Regardless of whether or not this is the case, the OP, there's enough going on for the OP to re-evaluate her relationship with Andrew and decide whether or not this is a nurturing, healthy relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp