Let’s be honest: dating life is hard, but it isn’t just hard because of being ghosted or what can feel like an infinite search for the right partner.
It can be really hard to accept that your loved ones don’t like the person you’re dating as much as you do, especially if your romantic relationship starts to impact your platonic ones, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor blancherin loved her sister and missed spending quality time with her, but she found it difficult to do so because of her feelings about her sister’s current girlfriend.
She disliked the girlfriend so much, in fact, the Original Poster (OP) gave her sister an ultimatum to either visit her alone or not to visit her at all.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for turning away my sister at the door after she drove across the country to see me?”
The OP had a wonderful relationship with her sister.
“I (28 Female) have always been incredibly close with my sister (30 Female), Sam.”
“Since we’ve been kids, we always hung out together, shared friend groups, hobbies, and interests and we genuinely liked being around each other.”
But a new relationship impacted their ability to spend time together.
“However, she recently got a new girlfriend (29 Female), Trisha, and our dynamic has changed.”
“I don’t care for Trisha at all. She’s not really rude or unpleasant, but I just don’t vibe with her and think she’s a bit annoying.”
“I’ve expressed this to Sam which resulted in one of our biggest arguments to date.”
“I understand that my opinion doesn’t matter in their relationship, but I just don’t enjoy being around Trisha, so Sam and I have seen each other less and less, and have been getting into more and more arguments.”
Trish being in the picture even impacted Sam’s travel plans.
“I recently moved halfway across the country for my job, and Sam asked if she could come and visit.”
“I excitedly said yes, as I wanted to show her all the new hiking spots by my home and I genuinely wanted to have Sister Time again.”
“However, she then asked if Trisha could come along, as well.”
“I don’t have the space or means of hosting at my new place, and despite Sam saying they would happily sleep on the floor or the couch, I just really didn’t want to be ‘On’ while she was around.”
“I told my sister I just wanted it to be her and I hanging out and exploring this side of the country, and thus began another argument.”
“Eventually, I told her, ‘Either come alone or don’t come at all,’ which I half assumed would put an end to the visitation plans, but later she agreed she would come alone.
But Sam secretly decided not to listen to the OP.
“Fast forward to when she was planning on visiting: I was getting excited and had a whole plan for the week mapped out. Sam texts me when she leaves her place and since I know it’s a 15-hour drive (yes, she chose to take it straight through) she would be arriving at my place around 10:00 PM.”
“10:00 PM rolled around and she knocked at my door, and I opened it up to both Sam and Trisha.”
“I didn’t even know what to say or do, I was so shocked. Both of them looked happy to see me, but I just couldn’t understand what happened.”
“Eventually, the anger and embarrassment caught up with me and I refused to let them in. Things got a little heated and frustrating, and it resulted in me telling them angrily to find a motel somewhere or drive home.”
“They both chose to get a motel, after many curse words and yelling, which is where they are right now.”
The entire family lashed out at the OP for how she responded.
“My family is furious with me for making them look for a motel so late at night, even though it’s a pretty highly populated area with many options around.”
“I’m quite embarrassed and worked up over the whole thing, but I don’t think I made the wrong move considering I set my boundaries pretty clearly early on.”
“I feel like I might’ve overreacted, as I genuinely don’t think Sam or Trisha will ever speak to me again.”
“I just can’t believe my entire relationship with my sister has come to such a screeching halt over a girlfriend she’s had for just over a year.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was NTA after her sister stomped on her boundaries.
“NTA but your sister is. You set a boundary and she ignored it. She doesn’t get to be mad that you’re enforcing that boundary when you explained it very clearly to her.” – meatier-dino
“The sister clearly decided that this was something to lose OP over because OP made her boundary VERY clear. Also, OP is going to recall this boundary violation for a long time.” – OrneryDandelion
“Unfortunately, her sister probably did this as a way to force her to do something she is uncomfortable with. I don’t like it. It disregards OP’s feelings and if you reward bad behavior, they will do it again,”
“It sounds like they had multiple arguments and conversations where her sister knew OP said no.” – l3ex_G
“She was well within her rights to turn them away. She made it EXTREMELY clear that she did NOT want her sister to bring Trish, to the point where she told her not to come if that’s what she had in mind.”
“And so Sam said that she’d come alone, her mindset being that there was no way OP would turn them away after they drove 15 hours.”
“So how is OP at fault here? She didn’t ‘demand’ anything. She just told Sam not to come if she wanted to bring her girlfriend. Why should OP basically be forced to house someone she doesn’t like, and who doesn’t really like her? NO ONE should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.”
“Trish KNEW OP didn’t want her to come. Yet she and Sam both took it upon themselves to disregard OP’s feelings. So I don’t see how OP shares blame in this…” – Noneya_Biddness
“NTA. Sam was told exactly what the conditions for the visit were and she chose to violate those conditions. This is what I believe is called ‘boundary stomping.'” – NightSail
But others felt the OP did a good job of ruining her relationship with her sister.
“Ugh, I feel I am going to get downvoted by the ‘but your boundaries’ crowd, but here we go… ESH.”
“Sam absolutely should not have surprised you by showing up at your door with Trish. She set up a situation rife with drama and embarrassment for both you and Trish. She’s an AH.”
“That said, I really think refusing a family member entry to your home and making them get a hotel in the middle of the night should be reserved for relationships with a lot of history and drama; in other words, something more than being ‘a bit annoying.'”
“I also think it’s a bit selfish of you to demand your sister travel cross-country to see you but not be allowed to bring her girlfriend. You’re essentially saying, ‘Use your limited time and money and PTO only for me’ when it’s reasonable and even expected that these things would also be shared with the person’s significant other.”
“Bottom line… you admit that Trish is ‘not really rude or unpleasant,’ and yet, you were exactly that to Trish and Sam.” – JeepersCreepers74
“ESH. OP is asking if they are the AH for turning them away. Not on that bit. You can choose who stays in your house. Sister is AH for dishonesty. But this all starts with OP being the AH about her sister’s girlfriend.”
“Frankly, adulting is accepting ‘a bit annoying’ in-laws. It’s part of the deal. You don’t get to just dictate that they be excluded from your life and expect to spend significant qt with your sibling they are dating or married.” – cruxdaemon
“ESH. As you progress through life, from single, to dating, to married, to having kids, existing relationship dynamics will change, and it takes time for everyone to figure out how to navigate that.”
“OP is not necessarily entitled to ‘Sister Time’ the same way it always was. OP needs to understand that sometimes she will need to tolerate her sister’s girlfriend in order to spend time with her sister, and OP’s reasons for not liking the girlfriend sound superficial and immature.”
“My guess is that maybe OP got along great with one of her sister’s exes and now expects that sort of rapport with all of her sister’s significant others.”
“However, the sister should make an effort to set aside some time with OP without the girlfriend, and showing up with the girlfriend when that was not what was agreed upon is a definite AH move.” – paradox183
“ESH. You had every right to say Trisha wasn’t welcome, but the way you handled the conflict in the moment has ensured that you’ll never speak to your sister again unless and until Trisha does something horrible to her and their relationship ends.”
“The thing to do was let them stay the night and then send them on their way in the morning.”
“Your reasoning for disliking Trisha doesn’t line up with your extreme animosity toward her visiting you. Typically we put up with an annoying wife or girlfriend of our siblings. It’s a charitable thing to show our family we love them. If she’d stolen from you or said awful things to you or about you, that’s different, but you and she just not ‘vibing’ doesn’t grant you the moral high ground to behave as you did.” – Thedudeabides470
“ESH but I’m slightly leaning towards you being the AH.”
“There are tons of people who don’t ‘vibe’ with their siblings’ spouse and most decent ones don’t treat the spouses with such hostility that you do.”
“She shouldn’t have blindsighted you by bringing Trisha and expected you to host her, but that being said you were the AH in this situation long before that by making their relationship all about you and your vibes and just not respecting your sister’s relationship in general. Trisha has done absolutely nothing to you yet you have some weird animosity towards her.”
“If I were Sam, I would definitely distance myself from you at the very least. You seem to be the instigator in this drama.” – PWcrash
The subReddit could empathize with the OP being surprised and disgruntled about the arrival of Trish alongside her sister at her home, but they were divided over how she’d acted beyond that point.
Some thought the couple had gotten exactly what they deserved after the sister disregarded the OP’s boundaries, but others felt that they would have simply let the couple come in and try to be the bigger person. Either way, the sisters’ relationship was going to be irreparably damaged if they didn’t work out how to all coexist soon.