Divorce and child custody battles can drag on forever and can make bitter enemies of everyone involved.
They are also outrageously expensive.
And in the end, oftentimes, the children are the ones who lose the most.
Redditor Eva_and_Logan wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to give money to my brother to save his daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I refused to give $100,000 to my brother to fund his legal custody battle.”
“My brother called out of the blue one day.”
“We’ve been living in different countries for many years, and we’re often not in touch.”
“He has been going through a divorce and custody battle for a long time.”
“The divorce is really ugly.”
“Both he and his ex-wife are extremely similar being stubborn, argumentative, and always need to be right.”
“They are both ex-army.”
“So my brother asks for $100,000.”
“Specifically, it’s for the newest set of lawyer’s quotes to conduct a last all-out custody battle.”
“He explains it as a military strategy, explains it’s a last stand, and explains it’s about showing strength.”
“According to his new lawyers, it is completely un-winnable, not recommended, a waste of time, and he is better off accepting the hard truth and saving the money.”
“I personally agree with the lawyers based on what I was told by my brother.”
“Yet he insists it’s the only thing left to do.”
“He also said there was no way he could pay it back.”
“My view was, if it’s life or death then yes, but it’s not, and it would only hurt everyone making this last stand.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Reddit declared that OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“As a former divorce attorney, this was the right move OP.”
“At one time or another, I too had clients that denied the obvious and wanted to wage hopeless battles.”
“Usually, I tried to counsel them to negotiate for the good of the kids.”
“If they refused, then I’d often quote a *large* retainer in the hopes they couldn’t/wouldn’t pay it, and they’d either settle or go away and leave me alone.”
“Offhand, it sounds like this is what the attorneys have done with your brother, and he’s not getting the message.”
“If your brother wishes to use his resources to continue a battle, he can’t win. That’s his prerogative.”
“If you don’t want to fund it, that’s yours. NTA.” ~ Big_Wave9732
“NTA and your brother sound like a menace, to be honest.”
“He doesn’t care about his daughter cuz if he did, he wouldn’t put her through that.” ~ softanimalofyourbody
“So he just wants you to gift him $100k so he can essentially gift it to his lawyers?”
“He knows he’s not gonna win so he doesn’t want to waste his $ on it or go into debt for it but he has no problem asking you to do so.”
“That’s messed up.”
“I work at a family law firm and have never heard of a $100k retainer for a custody case.”
“The fact they are asking for so much upfront and saying he won’t win tells me they don’t want to represent him and are hoping he’ll scoff at the amount and look elsewhere.”
“I can’t imagine asking someone for that kind of money, especially when he is very unlikely to get anything out of it.”
“You are clearly not the AH, but your brother definitely is.” ~ mosaic_heartsx
“NTA, the lawyers who have a stereotype of being money-hungry sharks told him not to do it.”
“That shows just how futile his course of action is.”
“Also, he literally said you wouldn’t get your money back, so screw that.” ~ Fntsyking655
“Divorce can make people act irrationally.”
“It’s really common for people to spend huge sums just to force their ex to spend similarly.”
“Nobody wins but the lawyers.”
“Any good lawyer will tell you this, even if they’re still willing to take your money and fight it out.”
“NTA and YWBTA if you gave him the money.”
“You’d be throwing it away and prolonging the whole situation.”
“It would be vastly better to just put that money in a trust for his kid.” ~ TerminalVector
“Your brother wants $100,000 dollars from you to show his ex that he’s a big, important man?”
“That’s psychotic.”
“Custody isn’t supposed to be a pissing match; it’s to determine what is best for the child(ren).”
“He doesn’t seem to give a damn about his kid. NTA.” ~ Fit_Base2089
“NTA! This ain’t cancer treatment!”
“It’s deciding where the best place a little girl should live, and nothing in your post makes it sound like a judge can’t make a good decision about that right now.”
“Save your money.” ~ Next-Wishbone1404
“NTA. WTF does he mean ‘showing strength?'”
“Custody is about the kids, not him.”
“According to his new lawyers, it is completely un-winnable, not recommended, a waste of time and he is better off accepting the hard truth and saving the money”
“There is your answer.”
“Save the money.” ~ anonaparent52
“NTA. He knows he can’t win (save) his kid.”
“He just wants to force his ex into a stressful, expensive custody battle he can’t win.’
“You didn’t mention that this benefits the kid in any way, I’m guessing because he didn’t provide how it would.”
“Probably because it doesn’t.”
“This is about sticking it to his ex, but using your money.”
“Hard no.” ~ VegaofLyra
“My dad fought an un-winnable custody battle for me against my aunt and uncle after my mum passed.”
“He knew it was un-winnable BEFORE he even got to the courthouse, and the judge pulled him aside and even asked if he really wanted to go through with a lost cause.”
“The reason he fought was because there was a group of lawyers and family law court judges compiling cases to take the fight and get the precedent changed for dads to get more rights.”
“My aunt worked for a barrister in the same building as some of those judges and they were able to work out a schedule so one of the judges who were involved (but couldn’t legally represent my dad) would be sitting by a designated phone waiting for calls from my dad to help answer questions with the correct wording so they could use our case for theirs.”
“If this was OP’s brother’s intentions, then I could understand his zeal, but not the cost from the lawyers (this is something that would be done probono because they would be ‘hoping’ to lose).”
“It’s also something that the brother and OP would have mentioned and since as far as we know it isn’t the case I agree, this isn’t about what’s best for the kid or helping future cases, it’s solely about power and control and that makes OP NTA.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“Your brother is ridiculous.”
“He wants to lose $100K of your money rather than accept the amount of time he has with her and be the best father possible.”
“He cares more about his ego than being a good dad.”
“Even if he had a chance of winning, his attitude alone means it’s a shi**y investment. NTA.” ~ iseeisayibe
“NTA. Calling family after an extended period of no-contact, and asking for money you’ll never be able to pay back is shi**y.”
“Plus, sounds like you analyzed the situation (I assume you kept the details sparse here for privacy reasons), and determined he’s fighting an unwinnable legal battle out of pride.”
“Keep your money.” ~ RedDeathStrikes
“NTA. His daughter isn’t dying.”
“She is probably being hurt by all this fighting, actually.”
“Unless he thinks his ex is an unfit parent or she’s trying to take her away entirely, he should listen to his lawyers and let go.”
“He’s not ‘saving’ his daughter, he’s treating her like a conquest.” ~ RasaraMoon
“NTA. Okay, so it’s 100k out of your pocket, but it’s also thousands of dollars from the mom’s pocket in attorney fees that could be used to better the kid’s lives.”
“You made the right choice.” ~ wolofancy
“NTA. You shouldn’t have to fork out a ginormous amount of $$$ so your hard-headed brother can continue the power struggle with his ex-wife.”
“You made the right decision.”
“Your brother should see a proctologist to have his head removed from his posterior.”
“I hope your niece doesn’t suffer emotional health issues because of her parents feuding like two petulant three-year-olds.” ~ ICatsmom
“OP your brother is implicitly showing that he wants — more than anything — to beat his wife in this custody battle.”
“He wants to try to outspend her and force a better outcome and ‘win.'”
“I doubt that thinking about what’s best for a kid is high on his list.”
“He may or may not be a better parent than the mom (she might be a piece of work, but you know your brother isn’t focused on his kid at this point).”
“So is pissing away $100,000 of your money on a ‘show of strength’ for your brother a good idea?”
“Is it going to be better for his kid?”
“NTA if you choose not to waste money.” ~ mumpie
“NTA, tell your brother he needs to do the best thing for the child and that means both parents come together for the good of the kid.”
“Trying to one-up each other is the wrong thing to do.” ~ FairyFartDaydreams
“NTA. If you have 100k lying around, put in a savings or investment account to pay for the children’s therapy and an escape fund after they turn 18.”
“Give them a safe place because this custody battle is going to traumatize them and their parents will only blame each other.” ~ PDK112
“Tell him good military strategists know when to surrender, to live to fight another day… or just tell him to grow up, this isn’t a war, it’s about the child/ren. NTA.” ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
“NTA, seriously these kids need help.”
“Do you have the money to help them?”
“Forget your brother, reach out to their mother and ask if you can help get the kids some sort of therapy so they can be helped.” ~ willthesane
“NTA. Your brother and his ex need to put their kids’ welfare first and stop wasting money on lawyers.” ~ cassowary32
“NTA. The firm is telling your brother they do not want the case.”
“The $100k price tag is meant to discourage him from going forward.” ~ Awkward_Pin_4978
“NTA. If you think he can’t win and his lawyers don’t think they can win, why is he fighting?”
“He needs to accept the loss and try to establish a relationship with his daughter when she is an adult.”
“Your money isn’t going to impress anyone.” ~ Rendeane
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
Your brother is in a sad situation.
But you can’t save him.
He needs to learn the word… compromise.
Compromise will help his daughter the most.