It takes more courage than we sometimes appreciate for people to be proud of who they are.
Sadly, we live in a world full of judgment, which doesn't always make us feel welcome or comfortable in all surroundings.
It's also far too common for people to worry about how someone important to us might be viewed by another important individual, which could result in us asking them to temporarily change or dilute something part of their appearance or personality.
A request that is more often than not met with hurt and confusion.
Redditor IrinaVibe08 was recently invited to meet the family of her new boyfriend.
However, the original poster (OP) was less than thrilled when her boyfriend asked her to slightly alter her appearance while meeting them.
A request the OP flatly refused, resulting in her boyfriend rescinding the invitation.
Having second thoughts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for my boyfriend's family dinner?"
The OP explained why she found herself disinvited from meeting her boyfriend's parents:
"I'm (21 F[emale]) a girl who has several tattoos (some big and quite visible). My boyfriend (26 M[ale]) met me like that, and I hadn't had any problem with it."
"He invited me to go to dinner with his family, and I accepted, but he casually mentioned, 'Maybe you could wear something with sleeves? Just so we don't start any drama'."
"I asked what he meant, and he said his grandparents are very old-school and might not react well to my tattoos."
"He said he didn't want the night to be awkward."
"I told him I wasn't going to hide part of myself to make his family more comfortable."
"He said it's not about hiding, it's about respect."
"I told him respect goes both ways, and I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not."
"He got upset and said I was overreacting and making it a bigger deal than it is."
"I told him that I would go to the dinner but that I wouldn't cover my tattoos."
"But then he asked me to please not attend, that if I was only going to be difficult, it would be better not to be there."
"That rubbed me the wrong way and confused me because I think maybe I did behave badly, and I shouldn't have reacted so vehemently against the idea."
"I don't want to cause drama with his family, but I have had a hard time feeling comfortable in my skin and learning to deal with the stigma people have towards me because of my tattoos... and I don't want to go back and hide again, plus I don't think I would be honest with his family either if I show myself as I am not."
"So... AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for the dinner?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for refusing to cover her tattoos.
Some agreed that the OP was not the a**hole, as she shouldn't have to hide who she is, and if this relationship stuck, they were going to see and find out about her tattoos eventually.
"I have full sleeves."
"Been in this situation several times, and I've gone both ways with it."
"With the wisdom of experience and age, I'd just cover it up."
"Not your partner's fault. His grandparents are narrow-minded, and there's nothing he can do to change it."
"How much time do you expect to spend with them whilst they're still alive?"
"NTA."
"Neither of you are... but do you desperately want to fight this one?"
"If you win, he has to put up with their sh*t."
"Why bother?"
"Doesn't achieve anything."
"How much do you really need them to know you have tattoos?"- ondopondont
Others didn't find any at fault, feeling the OP shouldn't be ashamed of who she was but feeling that her boyfriend was probably only wanting her to make a good impression:
"NAH."
"I feel like you two should have a discussion about this, and when showing tattoos will be okay."
"Long-term hiding of your tattoos isn't feasible, obviously, nor is it fair to you."
"If he expects you to do this, then he is the AH."
"But a first meeting with family can be a more than normally stressful event and it sounds like he wants everything to go well and wants both you and his family to make a good impression on each other."
"He'd rather not start out this relationship between his family and you with an argument between your natural right to express yourself and his grandparents' ingrained conservative views."
"For the sake of this first meeting, I would bend if I were in your shoes, but as long as he understands that at some point, the tattoos will be revealed whether he wants them to be or not, on purpose or by accident."
"It won't be natural or acceptable for you to hide your arms from them forever."
"At some point, the secret will be out, and he needs to prepare and decide how to react to that."
"If he is not willing to support you against his grandparents' old-fashioned views, then it is better to know now."- Bumblebee7305
"NAH."
"My son is a tattoo artist & he & others in my family have tons of tattoos."
"I am not a shrinking violet when it comes to body art."
'But I don't consider it a part of someone's identity as OP seems to."
"It's art and it's individual expression, but it doesn't define someone for good or bad."
"If I were in OP's shoes, I think I'd cover up for the first couple of times meeting the grandparents."
"Let them get to know you - then if they see your tats after that, maybe they'll wake up out of their pre-conceived prejudice and realize that good people have tattoos too."- pieville31313
"NAH, but here's the advice I'd give my younger sister."
"If you haven't met his family yet, especially his grandparents, first impressions are going to matter."
"Choosing to cover your tattoos for one evening doesn't mean you're hiding who you are, it can actually be a sign of being comfortable enough in yourself that you don't feel the need to prove anything right away."
"It gives them a chance to get to know you first, without distractions or assumptions."
"If their opinion changes later when they see your tattoos, then you'll have a clearer picture of what kind of people they are."
"Your boyfriend isn't asking you to change. It sounds like he's trying to keep the night peaceful for everyone."
"If this relationship is something you really value, it might be worth letting this one moment go and further assess."
"Not because you're wrong, but because you already know who you are."- scrungy_boi
Then there were those who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling her boyfriend wasn't asking her to change who she was but to dress a bit more conservatively for one night, and she didn't need to react the way she did.
"YTA."
"You weren't asked to lie about who you are or cover your tattoos forever — you were asked to wear sleeves for one dinner to avoid unnecessary drama with his very old-school grandparents."
"You say, 'I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not,' but that's not what this was."
"This was about being thoughtful and respectful in someone else's home, around people with a different set of values."
"Whether you agree with them or not, the world doesn't revolve around your need for self-expression every minute of every day."
"Your boyfriend didn't insult your tattoos, he didn't shame you, and he didn't say you couldn't have them — he asked for a small, temporary compromise to make a family event go more smoothly."
"Instead of being flexible, you made it about you and blew it out of proportion."
"That's not self-respect."
"That's ego."
"If you can't make one small concession to support your partner when he's trying to juggle two worlds, you and his family — then you're not ready for a serious relationship."
"You chose pride over partnership."
"That's on you."
"YTA."- Relevant-Golf7886
While a few had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling everyone needed to be a bit more open-minded:
"So, I have friends who are tattoo artists, friends with freaky, funky tattoos on their face and all over their bodies, so I'm not fuddy-duddy anti-tattoo."
"But, if your personality is SO linked and dependant upon showing everybody your tattoos, then you need to accept the reactions to your body art."
"Whether in professional settings or settings with ancient oldies from another era or whether you travel to Japan where tattooed folk are simply not permitted entry to hot springs or public baths."
"You're entitled to have whatever body art you want, and other folk are entitled to feel whatever they like about them."
"Sad but true."
"Probably ESH, except the bf caught between a rock & hard place."
"He's not asking her to cover up ALL the time, just for the ancient grandparents."- lookthepenguins
The OP has nothing to be ashamed of, nor should the OP be ashamed of having a girlfriend with tattoos.
Of course, the OP's parents and grandparents come from a different generation when they were less commonplace, making the chances of them being startled by it.
Surely, there is a middle ground to find, and a solution can be reached to please the OP and her boyfriend. If not, they might need to consider their viability as a couple seriously.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp