It takes more courage than we sometimes appreciate for people to be proud of who they are.
Sadly, we live in a world full of judgment, which doesn’t always make us feel welcome or comfortable in all surroundings.
It’s also far too common for people to worry about how someone important to us might be viewed by another important individual, which could result in us asking them to temporarily change or dilute something part of their appearance or personality.
A request that is more often than not met with hurt and confusion.
Redditor IrinaVibe08 was recently invited to meet the family of her new boyfriend.
However, the original poster (OP) was less than thrilled when her boyfriend asked her to slightly alter her appearance while meeting them.
A request the OP flatly refused, resulting in her boyfriend rescinding the invitation.
Having second thoughts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for my boyfriend’s family dinner?”
The OP explained why she found herself disinvited from meeting her boyfriend’s parents:
“I’m (21 F[emale]) a girl who has several tattoos (some big and quite visible). My boyfriend (26 M[ale]) met me like that, and I hadn’t had any problem with it.”
“He invited me to go to dinner with his family, and I accepted, but he casually mentioned, ‘Maybe you could wear something with sleeves? Just so we don’t start any drama’.”
“I asked what he meant, and he said his grandparents are very old-school and might not react well to my tattoos.”
“He said he didn’t want the night to be awkward.”
“I told him I wasn’t going to hide part of myself to make his family more comfortable.”
“He said it’s not about hiding, it’s about respect.”
“I told him respect goes both ways, and I shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”
“He got upset and said I was overreacting and making it a bigger deal than it is.”
“I told him that I would go to the dinner but that I wouldn’t cover my tattoos.”
“But then he asked me to please not attend, that if I was only going to be difficult, it would be better not to be there.”
“That rubbed me the wrong way and confused me because I think maybe I did behave badly, and I shouldn’t have reacted so vehemently against the idea.”
“I don’t want to cause drama with his family, but I have had a hard time feeling comfortable in my skin and learning to deal with the stigma people have towards me because of my tattoos… and I don’t want to go back and hide again, plus I don’t think I would be honest with his family either if I show myself as I am not.”
“So… AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos for the dinner?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for refusing to cover her tattoos.
Some agreed that the OP was not the a**hole, as she shouldn’t have to hide who she is, and if this relationship stuck, they were going to see and find out about her tattoos eventually.
“I have full sleeves.”
“Been in this situation several times, and I’ve gone both ways with it.”
“With the wisdom of experience and age, I’d just cover it up.”
“Not your partner’s fault. His grandparents are narrow-minded, and there’s nothing he can do to change it.”
“How much time do you expect to spend with them whilst they’re still alive?”
“NTA.”
“Neither of you are… but do you desperately want to fight this one?”
“If you win, he has to put up with their sh*t.”
“Why bother?”
“Doesn’t achieve anything.”
“How much do you really need them to know you have tattoos?”- ondopondont
Others didn’t find any at fault, feeling the OP shouldn’t be ashamed of who she was but feeling that her boyfriend was probably only wanting her to make a good impression:
“NAH.”
“I feel like you two should have a discussion about this, and when showing tattoos will be okay.”
“Long-term hiding of your tattoos isn’t feasible, obviously, nor is it fair to you.”
“If he expects you to do this, then he is the AH.”
“But a first meeting with family can be a more than normally stressful event and it sounds like he wants everything to go well and wants both you and his family to make a good impression on each other.”
“He’d rather not start out this relationship between his family and you with an argument between your natural right to express yourself and his grandparents’ ingrained conservative views.”
“For the sake of this first meeting, I would bend if I were in your shoes, but as long as he understands that at some point, the tattoos will be revealed whether he wants them to be or not, on purpose or by accident.”
“It won’t be natural or acceptable for you to hide your arms from them forever.”
“At some point, the secret will be out, and he needs to prepare and decide how to react to that.”
“If he is not willing to support you against his grandparents’ old-fashioned views, then it is better to know now.”- Bumblebee7305
“NAH.”
“My son is a tattoo artist & he & others in my family have tons of tattoos.”
“I am not a shrinking violet when it comes to body art.”
‘But I don’t consider it a part of someone’s identity as OP seems to.”
“It’s art and it’s individual expression, but it doesn’t define someone for good or bad.”
“If I were in OP’s shoes, I think I’d cover up for the first couple of times meeting the grandparents.”
“Let them get to know you – then if they see your tats after that, maybe they’ll wake up out of their pre-conceived prejudice and realize that good people have tattoos too.”- pieville31313
“NAH, but here’s the advice I’d give my younger sister.”
“If you haven’t met his family yet, especially his grandparents, first impressions are going to matter.”
“Choosing to cover your tattoos for one evening doesn’t mean you’re hiding who you are, it can actually be a sign of being comfortable enough in yourself that you don’t feel the need to prove anything right away.”
“It gives them a chance to get to know you first, without distractions or assumptions.”
“If their opinion changes later when they see your tattoos, then you’ll have a clearer picture of what kind of people they are.”
“Your boyfriend isn’t asking you to change. It sounds like he’s trying to keep the night peaceful for everyone.”
“If this relationship is something you really value, it might be worth letting this one moment go and further assess.”
“Not because you’re wrong, but because you already know who you are.”- scrungy_boi
Then there were those who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, feeling her boyfriend wasn’t asking her to change who she was but to dress a bit more conservatively for one night, and she didn’t need to react the way she did.
“YTA.”
“You weren’t asked to lie about who you are or cover your tattoos forever — you were asked to wear sleeves for one dinner to avoid unnecessary drama with his very old-school grandparents.”
“You say, ‘I shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not,’ but that’s not what this was.”
“This was about being thoughtful and respectful in someone else’s home, around people with a different set of values.”
“Whether you agree with them or not, the world doesn’t revolve around your need for self-expression every minute of every day.”
“Your boyfriend didn’t insult your tattoos, he didn’t shame you, and he didn’t say you couldn’t have them — he asked for a small, temporary compromise to make a family event go more smoothly.”
“Instead of being flexible, you made it about you and blew it out of proportion.”
“That’s not self-respect.”
“That’s ego.”
“If you can’t make one small concession to support your partner when he’s trying to juggle two worlds, you and his family — then you’re not ready for a serious relationship.”
“You chose pride over partnership.”
“That’s on you.”
“YTA.”- Relevant-Golf7886
While a few had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling everyone needed to be a bit more open-minded:
“So, I have friends who are tattoo artists, friends with freaky, funky tattoos on their face and all over their bodies, so I’m not fuddy-duddy anti-tattoo.”
“But, if your personality is SO linked and dependant upon showing everybody your tattoos, then you need to accept the reactions to your body art.”
“Whether in professional settings or settings with ancient oldies from another era or whether you travel to Japan where tattooed folk are simply not permitted entry to hot springs or public baths.”
“You’re entitled to have whatever body art you want, and other folk are entitled to feel whatever they like about them.”
“Sad but true.”
“Probably ESH, except the bf caught between a rock & hard place.”
“He’s not asking her to cover up ALL the time, just for the ancient grandparents.”- lookthepenguins
The OP has nothing to be ashamed of, nor should the OP be ashamed of having a girlfriend with tattoos.
Of course, the OP’s parents and grandparents come from a different generation when they were less commonplace, making the chances of them being startled by it.
Surely, there is a middle ground to find, and a solution can be reached to please the OP and her boyfriend. If not, they might need to consider their viability as a couple seriously.