It’s always hard and painful to imagine a family becoming so embroiled in a feud that they would become estranged from one another, with no sign of ever being able to reconcile.
When this happens, eventually someone will pass away, and there’s a very real possibility that their estranged family will not know that they passed or where they are buried, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Most-Photograph7866 had remained on good terms with his sister even when she became estranged from their parents, and so when she passed away, he knew where she was buried but his parents did not.
When his parents called him a ‘monster’ and accused him of ‘playing God’ by not revealing where her gravesite was, the Original Poster (OP) still refused, knowing his sister wouldn’t want them to know.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to tell my parents where my sister is buried?”
The OP’s sister was targeted by their toxic parents.
“I (28 Male) had an older sister, Lily, who passed away last year. We were incredibly close growing up, but our home life was not great.”
“Our parents were extremely controlling, obsessed with appearances, and cruel behind closed doors. Lily felt this the most, especially when she started to rebel.”
“When she turned 18, she left the house with nothing but a backpack and cut off all contact with them. They portrayed her as a ‘lost cause’ and told people she was a drug addict, mentally ill, and dangerous.”
“None of this was true. She just wanted a life away from them.”
The OP remained close to her even when she became estranged from their parents.
“We secretly kept in touch. She changed her name, moved to another city, and built a quiet, peaceful life for herself.”
“She never asked for money. She never hurt anyone. She just wanted to be left alone.”
“A couple of years ago, they stole my phone and went through it, finding photos of her and her family.”
“My sister knew it had happened because I told her but names, ages, and whereabouts weren’t identifiable in the photos.”
The OP kept a very important promise to his sister.
“Last year, she passed away from a sudden illness. It was devastating.”
“She made me promise that I wouldn’t let them anywhere near her. Not to her grave, not to her memory, not to anything. She didn’t want a funeral. She wanted to be buried in a quiet, unmarked place, and she made me swear I would never tell them where.”
“I respected her wishes. I paid for everything, kept it to myself, and didn’t tell our parents that she had even died until weeks later.”
The parents dramatically lashed out at the OP when he finally broke the news.
“When I finally told them she passed away, which was the only thing she gave her blessing for me to say, they went crazy.”
“They said I was a monster and that I was keeping them from grieving. They said that I had no right to keep their daughter from them.”
“They begged me, sometimes calmly, sometimes with massive threats, to tell them where she was.”
“I will not do that. I will not break that promise.”
“Since then, they have spoken out publicly on social media, claiming I am mentally unstable, accusing me of ‘hiding a body,’ and announcing they will take legal action.”
“The extended family is torn, with some thinking I did the right thing, and others saying that I’m ‘playing God.'”
“AITAH for keep this a secret?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was NTA and simply protecting his sister’s wishes.
“You’re not playing god because she didn’t want anything to do with your parents.”
“Sounds like your parents are potentially manipulative narcissists. NTA, and stay strong.” – EatPizzaOrDieTrying
“You’re not playing God; you’re honoring your sister’s final wish. That’s love, not cruelty. Your parents sound like classic narcissists who are more upset about losing control than losing a daughter. Stay strong. You did the right thing.” – CalistaGlow
“NTA. John Hammond was playing God and was so preoccupied with the fact that he could that he never questioned if he should. The OP loved and respected his sister, her life, her peace, and her dying wishes. THAT is his why he should. He’s not playing God at all.” – TheBookishAndTheBard
“Just be honest with them, OP. ‘I don’t know where [sister’s birth name] is buried. You’re not lying. NTA.” – QueSiQuiereBolsa
“She didn’t want anything to do with them in life, so that hadn’t changed in death. Let her rest in peace.” – qwinmaya
Others hoped that the OP would follow in his sister’s footsteps and find much-deserved peace.
“I would do exactly like your sister did and burn the bridges with your parents. You don’t need that negativity in your life. NTA.”
“Please stay the course and DO NOT BREAK that promise.” – Tott1337
“His sister found peace, OP should strive to do the same while he has time and life to enjoy it. These people who call themselves parents are entitled to absolutely nothing from him.” – ahhh_ennui
“NTA. Of course not.”
“It doesn’t even matter whether your sister’s decision to go completely No Contact with your parents was justified or not (and I do agree with you that it was from what you’ve shared here).”
“She was an adult, and she got to make that decision.”
“They can be angry at you for upholding it, but that is firmly a THEM problem, and frankly, if they don’t stop hassling you about it, they may find themselves No Contact with another of their offspring too.”
“YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEIR S**T ANY MORE!”
“(I’m so sorry for your loss.)” – YouSayWotNow
“NTA. You honoured your sister’s final wish after a lifetime of abuse from parents who only care now that she’s gone. They didn’t lose her when she died. They lost her when they pushed her away.”
You’re not ‘playing God’; you’re being a loyal brother who kept a sacred promise. Let them scream; the only person who mattered would be proud of you.” – aiudknoNowuknow
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Please tell any family member who is harassing you, -This was her wish. My parents did XX and YY and ZZ. They treated her and me like dirt. My sister left at age 18 and wanted no contact from them.'”
“This is especially important if you can put it out publicly on one of your parents’ social media posts. Maybe screenshot one of their posts, so they cannot delete it, and then write your story in your own post, and limit who can comment on it.”
“NTA.”
“You might also consider going no contact with your family members who treat you this way… or just completely start over as your sister did. She may have had the right idea all along.” – No_Professional8624
Some agreed and urged the OP to legally protect himself against his parents’ outbursts.
“OP, you’re awesome. Totally not the a**hole.”
“Further, take screenshots of those social media posts about your parents’ false claims about you, and take them to court for libel. Those false statements are defamation of your character and could potentially screw you over in your current and future career. Really put the screws to them.”
“Your parents are the monsters. And they should be slapped down in civil court.” – Dreaming_Purple
“My favorite lawyer taught me that as soon as someone threatens legal action, the discussion is over. Simply say, ‘Have your lawyer contact my lawyer,’ and walk away.” – roadfood
“I would rather sit in jail for contempt of court than indulge abusers like the parents. I would say as much politely to a judge as well. ‘I refuse to answer and accept the consequences of doing so.'” – Abel_Zero
“NTA. Your sister wanted them nowhere near her, even in death, and they created that situation with their past behavior. The fact they’re now trying to play the victim and publicly smear you is just more of the same controlling crap she wanted to escape.”
“You made a promise to your sister, and you’re keeping it. That’s what a good sibling does. Let the extended family have their opinions. They weren’t the ones who lived through that toxic environment. You did the right thing.” – Crystalskyye
“NTA. Your sister explicitly told you what she wanted, and after the way your parents treated her, they honestly don’t deserve to know. They painted her as this horrible person when she was just trying to have peace. Now they wanna act all heartbroken? Please.”
“You’re honoring your sister’s final wishes, and that’s what matters. Let them cry on social media all they want, you know the truth. And honestly, their threatening legal action sounds exactly like the controlling behavior your sister was trying to escape. You did the right thing, sis. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” – Cherryswayy
The subReddit ached for the OP and applauded him for staying close to his sister throughout the years and keeping this final wish. They only hoped that he would find the same peace his sister found, which he clearly deserved.