Forgiving infidelity is something a partner needs to decide for themselves. But once they make that decision, the hurt doesn’t automatically away.
A 25-year-old woman who decided to stay with her partner after his affair recently
Redditor ThrowRa9574 posted:
“My partner bought his affair partner around our daughters (9 and 5).”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I had Lucy, my daughter when I was 16 and I met Adam when she was 2.”
“Lucy’s biological father was never involved and Adam stepped up and took on that role for her and then we had Jessica and he’s just a great dad, the girls adore him.”
“Around 4months ago he told me he’d had an affair with someone we barely know, well clearly only I barely know her.”
“Things ended and we’re going to relationship counseling.”
“Now this woman, Naomi, I barely know her so my children had no reason to know of her- she’s like my brothers wife’s sisters friend so I’ve got no reason to introduce them.”
“Well as we walked past her, because I’m not a confrontational person and clearly neither is she, I decided to ignore her until my youngest decided to ignore me and run up to her and hug her.”
“I ended up having to drag my youngest away whilst trying to ignore Naomi.”
“When I asked the girls in the car my youngest said ‘daddy told us not to tell you’ and later on ‘daddy said it was our secret’.”
“My eldest is the only one to tell me what happened apparently they’ve had family day outs with picnics (our youngest favorite thing to do) and even visited a small theme park type thing together.”
“This hurts more than the affair and I don’t know why.”
“I can move on from the affair but I’m not sure I can move past him playing family with our children and his affair partner.”
“I’m not sure what to say/if I should confront him or accept this was a part of the affair and that we’re in counseling.”
Redditors understood why the OP was so upset by the new revelation.
“As you write it hurts because it shows that the affair was a lot more to him than casual sex (which would be bad enough). Playing secret families with your children really will be very difficult to forgive.” ~ Northlumberman
“Exactly this. Parents who are dating often take weeks or months of dating somebody new before introducing their children to them.”
“It’s a huge step forward in a relationship, and an even bigger one to involve the new partner in family outings.”
“I don’t know what I’d do in a similar situation but I would be angry for sure.” ~ StinkyKittyBreath
“No one is mentioning the really obvious messed up bit.”
“That 9 year old is going to remember this, for sure.”
“She is going to remember being asked to keep secret meetings with another lady quiet. She is going to remember her moms moods changing…ugh.”
“I’m so sorry OP, but this seems pretty unforgivable. Rug sweeping would have to include dismissing your children’s experiences.”
“That 9 year old will have questions, so will the younger one, and you’ll need to find a way to be honest without trashing their dad(even though he did this to himself).”
“You can’t ignore it, good luck.” ~ riskyOtter
“I second this.”
“I was around 8 years old when I found out my dad had an affair. My mom didn’t tell my sister or me until we were teenagers, but we were able to put the pieces together while it was happening.”
“They decided to stay together to work on their marriage and are still married to this day. They’re fine now, but my sister and I had a lot of resentment toward my dad for doing that to our mom, almost choosing to split our family apart.”
“I’m 23 now and have been working on moving past that resentment for years in therapy. I could never look at my dad the same; I have trust issues in my own romantic relationships because I feel I can never trust someone’s true intentions and I don’t want to experience what my mom did.”
“My parents never checked in with my sister or me about it, but it definitely still affects us in adulthood.” ~ mind_fxck
“I feel you. I was in 7th grade (11-12yo) when it happened to my family.”
“I don’t know if it was an emotional or physical affair, I didn’t want to know and I still don’t want to know. My mom told my sis and I after a while of her constantly screaming at my dad.”
“She didn’t explicitly say what was happening, but she said he was with another woman. It was our real estate lady, who watched me and my sis grow up.”
“They managed to figure it out and stayed together, mostly for my sis and I’s sake. I’m now 27, and I still have a deep resentment for my dad.”
“I can’t stand being in the same room with him alone. I can barely have a conversation with him, and if I do it’s often with anger and irritation (even with very simple conversations like how was your day ).”
“I know I love my mom more than my dad. I never forgave my dad for what he did to our family either.”
“Because I haven’t been able to let that go, that extra baggage tends to get in the way in my relationships too. I also constantly question people’s true intentions and think that they’re going to be unfaithful.”
“I’ve been working on myself, but damn it’s freaking hard to break away from that. My therapist told me to forgive my dad, and I honestly don’t know how to do that because I don’t think he deserves it.”
“My parents don’t know how damaging it was to me. I’m not sure how my sister is, she had a BF at the time it happened, so she had comfort. I was left by myself to deal with it alone.” ~ duckyduckgeese
While Redditors were sympathetic, they let the OP know ignoring what happened wasn’t going to help her or her children. Addressing it in counseling—whether she and her partner stayed together—was important for her children’s futures.