People grieve in so many different ways.
And sometimes, the way one person grieves can turn others off.
But every process is personal.
So how can people peacefully grieve together?
Redditor GoatUnfair4120 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for calling my sister an attention wh*re because she’s making my grandma’s death all about her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My grandma died a little over a week ago.”
“My sister (19) was supposed to stay the night with her in the hospital.”
“We were all there until around 9:30, and she was fine.”
“She was sitting up and talking.”
“At 2:30, some cop was knocking on our door to tell us that she was dead and to take us to the hospital.”
“She had a heart attack.”
“In my culture, when someone dies, you open their house so anybody can pay their respects.”
“Like my mom and aunt seriously posted her address on social media with dates and times.”
“I have to say that my sister is the ‘perfect’ one, and that role is very important to her.”
“She has a tiny body, great skin, piercing blue eyes, and springy blonde curls.”
“She literally looks like a Disney princess.”
“Nobody in our family even has blonde hair or blue eyes or curly hair, except for like a couple of my grandparents’ siblings.”
“She’s also a preschool teacher (in my state, you can get a certificate after a year of college and a certain number of hours in the classroom) and works with kids outside of the classroom, so now she teaches all of the little cousins and has people coming to her for advice and really makes a spectacle of her being great with kids.”
“So, anyway, we had the open house thing, and people she didn’t even know kept coming to her and telling her that she was our grandma’s favorite and how proud our grandma was of her.”
“Then somebody asked how she was doing after seeing her die and my sister goes on and on about how it was the scariest thing in her life and how when she knew grandma was going to die she tried calling us but we all slept through it and how after grandma died, she had to call one of her preschool parents to wake us up and take us to the hospital because she didn’t know how else to reach us.”
“I swear she told that story at least 20 times between the 2 nights.”
“When she wasn’t telling that story, she was showing off all of her jewelry that my grandma apparently gave her, but before her death, she insisted they were fakes from Amazon or talking about her other job working with kids and giving advice on which public library is the best for toddlers and showing pictures of the vacation her boss took her on.”
“It was all about her.”
“After the 2nd night, I told her she doesn’t have to be an attention wh*re.”
“We get it.”
“She’s perfect, and she was grandma’s favorite person in the world, and she does like the best job for women in our culture and knows everything about little kids, but grandma’s death isn’t about her.”
“I got in trouble because she’s ‘traumatized’ and she and grandma had a special relationship.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Now my sister is pissed with me, and my parents are trying to pretend like nothing happened, but they still want me to apologize, so AITA for calling her an attention wh*re?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“Wow, YTA.”
“Sounds like you resent your sister for how you perceive her to be better than you.”
“Like, what does your sister’s blonde hair and blue eyes have anything to do with your grandma’s death or funeral?”
“Seems like you’re giving context on how YOU feel she’s better than you.”
“And now that she’s reasonably grieving (as I’m sure you all are), you verbally attack her.”
“Oh, she’s talking about her job?”
“When you experience the death of someone close, you try to find other things to focus on so you can be less burdened with the crushing grief.”
“Serious YTA, and you probably need to address within yourself why you resent your sister so much.” ~ Traditional-Cash38
“YTA, I came here to say this but was afraid to be downvoted to oblivion!”
“Reddit got this one right!” ~ Delicious-Cause-9000
“YTA. Nothing about your sister’s actions suggests she was being an ‘attention seeker.’”
“What it does show is your own insecurity toward her.”
“It sounds like your sister was the only one with your grandma when she passed, and that’s deeply traumatic, especially for someone young.”
“Also, what do her looks or her profession have to do with any of this?” ~ Chyeahhhales
“YTA. Your jealousy is the AH here.”
“Look at how you described your sister.”
“People were coming up and talking to her.”
“You didn’t say she was going around showing off, family members were coming in and out, and they were talking to her.”
“She is doing what she is supposed to do: She’s talking to a whole group of people she doesn’t know and giving them information.”
“You never mentioned any relationship you had with your grandma.”
“Did you have one?”
“How old are you exactly?”
“What are you doing with your life that others aren’t interested in?”
“I mean, what exactly do you want her to do?”
“I mean, did you do anything to make this process easier for everyone?”
“Did you go to talk to people?”
“Did you do anything besides sit there and get angry at your sister for talking to relatives?” ~ Syric13
OP answered…
“We weren’t that close.”
“She wanted me to lose weight and stop going out with my friends as much, and learn her native language, and I didn’t like her criticism.”
Reddit continued…
“A few months ago, I sat by someone’s bedside while they died.”
“I was the one who did the days straight, no sleep, overnight at the hospital so the rest of the family could rest (he made it through the night, though, so I wasn’t alone at the end).”
“It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through.”
“You’re not wrong for leaving.”
“You needed rest, and you, like my family, are not the bad guy for getting sleep.”
“But your sister was the one who stayed, and because of that, she is traumatized.”
“She’s not seeking ‘attention’, she’s seeking comfort.”
“And connection.”
“And meaning.”
“And she’s probably acting erratically because one moment it feels fine and the next moment holy shit I watched someone die.”
“And she’s nineteen.”
“I understand that you’re grieving too.”
“But that’s why they tell people to support in and lean out.”
“You don’t have to be here for your sister.”
“You’re both in the same inner circle of grief, and you both get to lean out.”
“But you don’t get to s**t on her grief either, just because you clearly have some other bone to pick with her. YTA.” ~ slu**ychristmastree
“YTA. I stopped reading halfway through because this post is just you ranting about how jealous you are of your sister.”
“Your grandma just died, and this is what you’re putting your energy into? Embarrassing.” ~ Fair_Theme_9388
“YTA. She told the story 20 times because people came to listen 20 times.”
“It’s not like everyone showed up all at once, and she went out into the community to tell it more.” ~ PM_ME_LANCECATAMARAN
“Are you not making your grandma’s passing about your dislike/jealousy of your sister?”
“By the sound of it, your 19-year-old sister was alone with your grandma in the hospital when your grandma had a heart attack, and your sister couldn’t reach the rest of the family.”
“That is scary to go through on your own, unable to get a hold of anyone else.”
“It’s not that weird that people are approaching her and checking in on her and asking what happened.”
“She might be the golden child, and your jealousy might otherwise be understandable or even justified for all we know, but in this specific situation, at least you made your grandma’s passing about your jealousy by attacking your sister in that way, instead of focusing on honoring your grandma’s memory. YTA.” ~ chonkosaurusrexx
“This. Being there when someone dies or being the person to find them is absolutely traumatic.”
“The sister needs normalcy right now.”
“For a lot of people, normalcy means talking about their jobs and lives.”
“That’s a personally normal thing for people to discuss when gathering for end-of-life events because it’s a normalcy that people need to help them cope with the reason they’ve been brought together.” ~ Emily-Persephone
“YTA, you may be grieving, but your sister, parents, and family are too.”
“Your jealousy of your sister will ruin your relationship if you don’t work through it.”
“Apologize, go to therapy, or deal with your jealousy.” ~ lostcollegehuman303
“YTA. Your sister’s appearance has nothing to do with this, nor does her profession.”
“I’m sorry you didn’t have a relationship with your grandmother as close as she did.”
“I’m sorry you’re both grieving.”
“But this is written like a jealous, teenage sibling, and the way you behaved tells me you have a hell of a lot of maturing to do.” ~ cigaretteRoomba
“YTA. Nothing you said indicates that she made your grandmother’s death about her.”
“Seeing your grandmother die and not being able to reach anyone when she did must have been awful.”
“You simply sound incredibly jealous of her.” ~ Various-Ocelot-2209
“YTA. This entire post was about how you resent your sister because she’s pretty and works with children.” ~ Fetagirl
Well, OP, Reddit is not thrilled with your response.
It’s a tough time.
Maybe discuss all of this when emotions aren’t as raw.
Sorry for your loss.