As long as children live with their parents, no matter how old you are, it's safe to say that parents will have certain, base expectations.
These might include doing their own laundry, cleaning their own rooms, and possibly even buying their own groceries.
What's more debatable, however, is whether or not they should be expected to fulfill last minute obligations thrown at them.
Simply owing to the fact that they still live at home.
A recent Redditor still lived at home while they were attending university, along with his mother, her boyfriend, and his son.
For the most part, the living situation was a happy one for the original poster (OP) and his family.
Things took an unfortunate turn, however, when the boyfriend of the OP's mother threw a command at him he was unable to fulfill.
Leading to a tense exchange of words.
Having some doubts about how he handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom's boyfriend his son is not my responsibility?"
The OP explained why things became heated between him and his mother's boyfriend:
"My (20 M[ale]) parents divorced when i was 16, and it was messy."
"I live with my mom now and, her boyfriend 'Mark' (43), and Marks son 'Liam' (11)."
"I'm in my second year of college, which is its own special kind of stress with exams and projects."
"The dynamic is fine, usually."
"Mark is okay, but he has a habit of assuming im a newly acquired babysitter."
"Liam is a good kid, but wasn't raised properly (which is another entire thing) and he's just 11, he's energetic, loud, and is very impersonal and doesn't understand the concept of personal space yet."
"The issue happened this past Saturday."
"I had a massive assignment due on Monday morning, and I was planning on spending the entire weekend at the library on campus."
"On Saturday morning, as I'm packing my bag, Mark comes to me to let me know he and my mom are going away and I need to keep an eye on Liam."
"I was immediately stressed, so I told him I can't and that I have to go to uni to focus on my uni work."
"He waved me off and said its fine and I should take him along with me to campus and keep him busy on the tablet."
"Immediately i was like f*ck no, I'm not taking an 11 year old kid to my university while I need to focus on a big submission."
"I said no, trying to be firm, saying that I cannot be responsible for him for an entire day at my uni, and I asked if he couldn't stay at a friends or at his grandma's or moms."
"Marks face fell and he looked genuinely annoyed."
"He told me it's just one day and that trying to organize stuff with other parents and family would be too much of a hassle, and that the least i could do was help out."
"I couldn't take it honestly, so i snapped."
"I've been under a lot of pressure for printing assignments and group work etc, and that was lowkey the last straw."
"I told him that Liam is HIS son, not mine; he is NOT my responsibility, I didn't choose to have a kid when I wasn't ready, and my only obligation is to get my degree and move out."
"They both went silent for a bit, visibly upset, and after a while, Mark just said it's fine and that I shouldn't bother asking them favors in the future."
"My mom later that day texted me and said I was disrespectful and hurtful, which I did lose my temper slightly, but I feel like they had no right to try and force Liam as my responsibility so last minute."
"AITA for what I said?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling Mark that he was not responsible for his child.
While some felt that the OP may have gone a bit too far with his choice of words, everyone otherwise agreed that Mark had no right to throw babysitting duties on him at the last minute, and Mark needed to hear that:
"NTA."
"Be one thing if they had asked in advance and you agreed."
"But springing it at the last minute?"
"Also followed up by the emotional manipulation of, well, don't ask us any more favors?"
"Hard pass."
"Not your kid, not your responsibility."
"Don't feel bad saying no and setting boundaries."
"Your education has to be the priority and come first."- spambreath
"NTA."
"This was not an emergency; they had plenty of time to sort out childcare."- FairyCompetent
"NTA I'd text your mom, 'I was headed out the door to campus when he announced I was babysitting. I had specific things I needed to do, but he said I could just take Liam, who is high energy and noisy, to the campus library."
"'So I said no'."
"'It's frustrating that Mark believes I am the on-call sitter and whatever else I'm doing will accommodate that'."
"'If I'm going to manage graduating, I need to be able to plan around anything I do for you both'."
"'It doesn't mean I won't contribute, it does mean that I am not Liam's parent, whose care I have to schedule around'."
"'I do not think it's disrespectful to tell Mark that since it's a recurring issue and I was upset as I have school deadlines'."
"'I can contribute in various ways, just not at the last minute unless it's an emergency'."- julesk
"NTA."
"Mark is using you and being lazy."
"He had other options, and this wasn't an emergency."
"You did well to nip this in the bud."- Specific_Impact_367
"NTA."
"They dropped this on you at the last minute."
"That's disrespectful to you and your time."
"You are not a built-in babysitter."
"Just because your mom is offended doesn't make her right."
"They overstepped big time and waited til the last minute, thinking they could just dump him on you."
"No way."
"NTA."- One-Plantain-9454
"NTA."
"It sounds like he was being incredibly dismissive of your needs at the time and that you don't feel proud about how you defended your boundaries in the end."
"However, you would not have been pushed so far if any one of your 'nos' had been respected."
"You're an adult."
"You should be able to state what you can handle and be heard."
"As the de facto family babysitter from age 12 to 19, I know how easy it is to be taken for granted and have my life goals sacrificed for today's convenience."
"What you said and how you said it might not have been great, but they laid the foundation of sh*ttiness that resulted in this moment."- TundraStorms
"NTA."
"At first I interpreted this as Mark being your stepdad, and then I realized that he's your mom's boyfriend."
"So the fact that this is the expectation is even more not ok."
"Mark is massively overstepping and unfortunately your mom is letting him."
"Have you tried talking to her about it when Mark isn't around?"- ColorfulConspiracy
"NTA."
"He needed to hear that."
"It was petty of him to say he wouldn't do you any favors going forward."
"He didn't even ask you in advance, so he'd have time to make alternative arrangements."
"He just ASSUMED you were available."
"That's not okay when dealing with an adult who has obligations, like studying for school."-Regular_Boot_3540
"Disrespectful?"
"What's disrespectful is Mark feeling entitled to OP's babysitting services with no notice or agreement and then pushing back hard when the answer is 'No'."
"Firmly setting boundaries when they have been repeatedly dismissed is not disrespectful, it is meeting the bully on his own turf."
"And equating his 'Babysit all day even though you were about to walk out the door' with 'any favors at all in the future' shows what a nasty piece of work Mark is."
"Yuck."
"NTA."- FiberKitty
"NTA."
"It was inappropriate for Mark to spring it on you at the last minute and expect you to drop everything."
"It's also not your fault you snapped; you tried to speak reasonably, and he didn't want to listen."
"You should also know that your living situation could become difficult."
"Be prepared by making plans."- Savings_Telephone_96
"NTA, of course."
"You need to say nothing but 'No'."
"And do not forget, Mark and Liam are NOT YOUR FAMILY, even by marriage to your mom yet."
"HE IS MOM'S BOYFRIEND!"
"To just presume that another adult in the home is automatically able to just 'take care of' your child is the height of arrogance."
"Please remember that if they ever try to just 'leave' Liam with you without your express consent, that is called child abandonment and is a crime."
"If Mark or even your mom gets pushy about it all, remind them of this fact - you only have to call the cops, who can call CPS."
"I'd plan on moving out as soon as you can, or perhaps move in with a more sympathetic relative until you can be independent."- parodytx
Had Mark requested this of the OP with plenty of advance notice, then his reaction would have been incredibly inappropriate.
However, Mark sprung this on the OP without any notice; one can at least understand where his emotional response came from.
Even if it will likely forever affect his relationship with Mark.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp